From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: The Kids Are All Right Edition
“Yet another school shooting left 17 dead and many injured. These events are now so familiar, that we basically automatically know how each side will play out. [But] this time felt slightly different. Because when the 'Now is not the time' argument came out, the kids from that school said, 'You know what? Yes, it fucking is.'”
---John Oliver
Clip of student Emma Gonzalez at Parkland rally: They say that tougher gun laws do not decrease gun violence. We call B.S.!
Trevor Noah: Goddam, these kids are not messing around. This just goes to show how upside-down everything becomes when guns are involved. Now kids are acting like adults, and adults are acting like children. Cuz you’ve got senators like: ‘You’re taking away my favorite toys, this is so unfair!’ And the kids are like: ‘You can’t have them if you’re not responsible enough to handle them!’”
---The Daily Show
“I want you to consider this, especially if you’re a Trump supporter or a member of the NRA: do you really think these kids---these teenagers who spoke out after a shooting at their school---are actors who are part of some kind of ‘deep state’ left-wing conspiracy? If the answer is ‘yes, I do believe that,’ I have some bad news for you: you’re crazy. You’re a crazy person. Your brain is not functioning, and I’m worried about you.”
---Jimmy Kimmel
Clip of Marco Rubio on the Senate floor: I’m just trying to be clear and honest here. If someone’s decided I’m going to commit this crime, they’ll find a way to get the gun to do it.
Stephen Colbert: Okay, as long as we’re being clear and honest Senator, your position as a lawmaker is: The laws are useless, everyone into the Thunderdome! Then why do we need you? It seems like a houseplant would do a better job and it would probably need a little less water.
---The Late Show
And this from a Stoneman Douglas HS student:
Instant induction in the Brilliant Snark Hall of Fame:
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, February 23, 2018
Note: We’ve spotted a small error in the C&J membership manual. In the section marked Disciplinary Actions, please cross out “verbal warning” as punishment for your 75th violation, and replace it with “1-Hour timeout in a nest of vipers.” We regret the error, but probably not as much as “RebellionStarter16” regrets his 75th violation. ---Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the premiere of Solo: 90
Days 'til the San Diego Festival of Science and Engineering: 8
Number of women running (or likely running) for U.S. House seats in 2016 and 2018, respectively, according to FiveThirtyEight: 212, 431
Number of the competitive House districts polled by PPP in which approval of the giant daylight robbery of the middle class posing as a middle class tax cut is above 43% approval: 0
Percent of Americans aged 18-29 and 70+, respectively, who favor stricter gun control laws, according to a new Politico-Morning Consult poll: 59%, 70%
Percent of Americans who want Dreamers to get citizenship, according to a Quinnipiac poll: 80%
Percent of Americans in the same poll who believe Democrats and Republicans, respectively, want Dreamers deported: 8%, 55%
Current U.S. Olympic Medal Count
Gold: 8 Silver: 7 Bronze: 6
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Flash mob!!!
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CHEERS to tonight’s lead story. Caution: may not be suitable for children, because they might laugh so hard they choke on their Skittles…...
In a related story, the Nobel Peace Prize committee just announced its 2018 winner ten months early.
JEERS to Fifty Shades of Ick. Gold star this week to the St. Louis grand jury that threw the book at Trump-loving Missouri Governor Eric Greitens. The piece of human crud posing as a family-values Republican adonis, if proven guilty, has just been brought down. The charge: criminal invasion of privacy of the woman he was cheating on his wife with…
[H]e allegedly tied her up, photographed her and threatened to release the image if she spoke of their affair.
Greitens "knowingly photographed (the woman) in a state of full or partial nudity without the knowledge and consent of (the woman) and in a place where a person would have a reasonable expectation of privacy, and (Greitens) subsequently transmitted the image contained in the photograph in a manner that allowed access to that image by a computer," the indictment says.
Here’s the mug shot they took after they dragged him kicking and screaming into the blue barn for processing. Yikes...
Why do I have this sudden urge to find a basket and put lotion in it?
JEERS to Spittle Fest USA. Yesterday marked the start of the annual knee-slappin' hootenanny that is the CPAC convention. The staunch right-wing defenders of the Jesus-blessed heartland states are holding it at their usual spot: on the edge of the D.C. swamp that they claim they want to drain. Usual stuff this year: anger, rage, brain-shrinkage, tried-and-failed ideas, madness, pretzel-twisted logic, xenophobia, homophobia, immigrant-o-phobia, Islamophobia, isolationism, Russia love, gun love, and enough fake news to choke a goat. Plus exciting discussions about the groundbreaking new Republican agenda of nuclear arms races, privatization of everything, walls, annexation of the vagina and arming all the teachers. But, of course, the real events get underway after the sun---and the zippers---go down:
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I’ll give ‘em credit for this: they take their mantra “drill, baby, drill” very seriously.
JEERS to really crappy odds. On today's date in 1836, three thousand Mexicans attacked 182 Texans at The Alamo. By this account, it was intense:
Brandishing his assault rifle, Six-star General Ronald Reagan and his second-in-command, Colonel Donald Trump, took turns picking off the attackers as Sarah Palin and Ted Cruz loaded and fired the two functional cannons.
After Democrats fled in panic, Louie Gohmert and members of the Tea Party Patriots arrived in the nick of time to save the day. The surrender ceremony was conducted on a battleship, followed by a ticker tape parade with all the tanks and missile launchers in the glorious American freedom arsenal.
That's why today San Antonio is the capitol of the United States and God hates libturd moonbats.
Um, Texas school board textbook committee? I think we need to have a little chat.
CHEERS to a sure sign of spring. Pardon my French, but fuck the groundhog. (Oops…I think I just made Rick Santorum faint.) I feel warmer already, just knowing that the Boston Red Sox played their first spring training game today. They handily beat Minnesota in a 4-3 blowout. Despite my natural instinct to go all happy dance over the Twins’ rank incompetence and embarrassing pratfalls this afternoon, this year I promise I'm not going to do any pre-gloating or bleating about the Sox’ upcoming season (their 107th at Fenway Park). It simply wouldn't be fair to all the other teams who will be pitching, catching, throwing and batting their little hearts out for the awesome chance to go all the way to being the World Series runner up. Dream big, fellas. Dream big.
CHEERS to Sir Inksalot. On this date in 1455, Johannes "Steve" Gutenberg printed the first book: the Bible. While proofing it, he noticed that the page numbers went 360, 361, 362, 364...and then spent the next six days pounding his head on the table.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Here’s some of the haps on the TV this weekend. If you want to take a break from the news cycle there’s winter Olympics coverage on NBC, but we’ll be tuning in to Chris, Rachel and Lawrence anyway to watch ‘em break down whatever Friday news dumps (more Mueller indictments, we hope) got tossed in America’s lap. (FWIW: Bill Maher is off tonight.)
New home video releases include Willem Dafoe’s Oscar-nominated turn in The Florida Project, and a slew of interesting-looking documentaries. The basketball schedule is here and the hockey schedule is here. On 60 Minutes: rare footage of a chemical attack in Syria, and why actress Jennifer Lawrence dropped out of middle school. (Have they done a single investigation of the Trump administration yet? They’ve got a shit-ton of material to work with.) The Olympic closing ceremonies happen live at 6am Sunday and NBC will re-air them at 8pm. My verdict on the last two weeks in PyeongChang: not as charming as Vancouver, but a hell of a lot less broken-toilety than Sochi. Then at 11 John Oliver wraps up the last seven days with a bow made out of rat turds on HBO’s Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup, with a reminder to the hosts to watch this kid grill Marco Rubio at Wednesday’s town hall and freaking duplicate it:
Meet the Press: Sens. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN) and Pat Toomey (R-PA).
This Week: TBA
Face the Nation: A huge lineup of guests to discuss the student uprising on gun control.
CNN's State of the Union: Sen. Chris Murphy (D-CT); Broward County Sherif Scottf Israel.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Town hall dodger Rick Scott believes he’ll find safe harbor in the warm embrace of Fox News, and I hope Chris Wallace proves him disastrously wrong; plus Andrew Pollack, the father of school shooting victim Meadow Pollack, and Delaney Tarr, a Senior at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: February 23, 2008
CHEERS to throwing another pig in the pokey. Brent Wilkes, who extracted favors from disgraced Republican congressman Duke Cunningham in exchange for "money, prostitutes and other bribes," was sentenced to twelve years in jail Tuesday. Let's see...he'll need a prison name, won't he? Something that says, I dunno, "I'm the biggest asshole in the joint." I've got it: Brent Wilkes. Perfect.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to Deep Thoughts...by Jack Handey. Jack is a long-time inspiration of mine. Like Steven Wright, he can cram more beautiful, bizarre absurdity into a sentence or two than most people can in a thousand. His books, which I've dog-eared to death, have a place of honor on my bookshelf. Sunday is Handey's 69th birthday, so that's as good an excuse as any to post a few of our favorite Deep Thoughts from the birthday boy:
» I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but listen to yourself!
» If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.
» For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness.
» Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess was why several of us died of tuberculosis.
» Don’t ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go the later you think you are.
» Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
» If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice."
Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.”
And on that deep note...
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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