“Everyone take your seat, please, I’m Commissioner Otto Kerner, and this meeting of the Frog Environmental Regulatory Commission or FERC is called back to order.” The Commissioner sat behind a podium on a stage. He was above the audience, whom squirmed on cheap fold out chairs, arranged in rows. The drab carpet was even more banal than the faded walls.
“Redwoodman, please explain this photograph (pictured above),” he added.
“Commissioner,” I began, “hat’s a recent picture of the modified Frog Mitigation Area. I excavated this area 4 years ago, to create breeding ponds for the native chorus frogs that live in and near my yard. It contains two ponds, connected by a small creek, and it’s fed by water pumped over a 3 foot high waterfall.
“The Lower Pear Pond is in the center right of the photo, covered with lilies. Little Metolius Creek flows in an arch around the pear tree to Upper Pear Pond and the waterfall in the upper center portion of the photo,” I replied.
“Here’s a better look at the new Upper Pond and relocated waterfall.”
“Here’s another look at the Lower Pond,” I added.
The Commissioner leaned forward, peering at the photos.
“Well, Redwoodman, we’ve had several complaints that you violated your entitlements by expanding the Mitigation Area without first obtaining a use permit, a wetlands fill permit, a water quality certification, an erosion control plan, a modified Plan of Operations, or preparing an environmental impact review,” he responded.
“When you submitted to Frog Commission jurisdiction to obtain wetlands credits,” he continued,”We expected compliance.”
I was caught unaware, and became flustered.
“Well … I did, um … enhance the upper pond, that, is um true. I deepened and widened it. It succeeded, last year the expanded upper pond contained hundreds of tadpoles for the first time. As you can see in the following photo, the upper pond was poor habitat prior to its expansion.”
“Hmm,” the commissioner mulled. “Nonetheless your Plan of Operation requires prior approval of any surface disturbances. And I see you have several prior permit violations for disturbing a junco nest, obstructing the skunks’ migratory paths, 1st degree violations of failure to weed, neglect of the bird feeders, and excavating without your wife’s permission.”
“Hey,” I responded, “I haven’t been convicted of the skunk obstruction, and those Failure to Weed violations were supposed to be removed from my record in return for splitting the irises. The Juncos agreed to drop the charges in exchange for 20 lbs. of … nevermind. Oh, and the last Commissioner said all these permit conditions were mere formalities.”
Commissioner Kerner slammed his gavel. “Well, there’’s a new Commissioner in town.”
“I’d order you into custody right now, but the frog migration is expected to arrive in the Mitigation Area in two weeks, so you are on house arrest and under order to protect the frogs. But I’m scheduling another hearing to decide if these charges should be resolved in Frog Court.”
“No, not Frog Court!” I cried.
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