So, mom died yesterday morning…..it was not a sad moment, it was just...a closing. Mom was a horrible person, she was mentally incapable of being anything but a monster. I have no idea what name to put to what was wrong with her, I’m not a psychiatrist so to me she was just evil. She hated me, bragged about trying to cause a miss carry with me and I didn’t die and she hated me for that. She did render herself incapable of ever carrying to term ever again though and that was my fault too. Add in I was stupid enough to be a worthless girl on top of that and you get the picture….she kept trying to drive me to suicide, run away from home, something, anything to get rid of me, she hated me. She frequently told me she hated me and that I ruined her life, that I was everyone’s worst person and no one would ever love me. Moms dead.
I have no idea how to feel about her death, it’s over is all, we can’t hurt each other anymore, the scars are mine to keep. My siblings carry forward her malice, they are…..tea party bigots that hate me. They were not fond of mother either, but, she raised them to hate me and blame me so they do.
We sat with her through the night because she was always afraid to die alone. She lingered as we all had to rest or go to work, she waited until 10 minutes after the last of us had to go...then she died, one last impossible request from mother dearest. So after 4 hours of sleep, the day was before me and mom was dead. My sister was executor and embezzled all the money, now moms dead. My brother took everything of value from the house and sold it and kept the money, and moms dead now, it’s over. There will be no funeral, no memorial service, just an internment in the va cemetery, she was a bully who treated everyone horribly and now she’s dead. And I don’t know how to feel.
My father died two years ago, I inherited his cat, he’s a big black cat who is 14 now. He’s adjusted well to my home and I’ve learned his habits, he’s a great mouser. Dad died of Alzheimer’s, it was the death he always feared, but he asked me to take the cat and I did. He couldn’t or wouldn’t protect me from mom, he was afraid of her I think. In the end, she got him drunk and threw him off a deck and broke his collar bone, he was put in protective custody and it was downhill from there. And now moms dead.
My son was trying to keep me busy yesterday, he took me to town so I could play Pokémon go. The local church of god people spotted us and pushed us over so they could tell us they didn’t want us in their neighborhood because we were obviously the wrong color for the neighborhood. Mom died five hours ago and I’m the wrong color, not sure how to feel about that so I felt humiliated and ashamed of being the wrong color. They don’t know me, they’re afraid of me, they compensate by demanding I fuck off...how Christian of them. Mom hated minorities, I don’t, they don’t know that, I’m hurt but then moms dead. So we go away and I resent organized religion even more because of the incident, we pass the local church that I know is klan affiliated, we drive on past, the parking lot is full of cars and people. I have not eaten all day and mom is dead.
The next stop is near a tea baggers home, he sits on his porch with a glare for the world. Apparently we are again in the wrong part of town, guess the civil war has already happened and the United States lost. I’m not sure how to feel about that either. Everyone is distrustful and angry, the churches patrol the neighborhood running strangers out of “their neighborhood “ and moms dead.
We get home and I make Belgian waffles for dinner, I’m not hungry but I eat anyway. Everyone else dozed off, I didn’t. I decide to play city skylines, everyone else goes to bed early, I finish a sewing job and go back to my virtual city and check kos to find out that Bevin is blaming me for kids being sexually assaulted and southerners are unwelcome and should be walled out and shunned, again, I’m wrong and I feel numb. I think I may be angry I may be sad, I don’t know. Mom is dead. I get a text early letting me know when mom will be buried. Moms dead, the scars remain.
I used to hope for the world, I hoped the United States would unite and we could be a rational nation again and get our asses in gear and move to a better place. Instead, trump got elected, we became even more divided and corrupt. Does history bend towards justice? My siblings hate me, the churches hate me, the north hates me, the south hates me...maybe mom was just ahead of the curve. Moms dead, I’m numb, I’m tired, I’m sick of the hate and everyone but me has an agenda. Possibly I’m broken….but at least moms dead.
Saturday, Apr 14, 2018 · 5:47:47 PM +00:00
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Shippo1776
Thank you all for your love and compassion. My sons indeed know how dear and precious they are to me...always. I am amazed to be on the rec list and hope that by sharing the pain we can all become whole. Being different is a gift, not a crime. A little empathy is important and pain shared is pain lessened, thank you.
