Oregon’s May sun warmed the Frog Mitigation Area in my backyard. I walked along the shallow creek between the two ponds, admiring the hundreds of tadpoles frolicking in the warm waters.
“Ahem, I’ve got a message for you,” I called out. “Just a reminder that you are pooping ammonia, not urea like most creatures, so please keep moving, and kinda splash a little with your tails. I’m running a pump to oxygenate waters, too, so that will help. But everyone needs to pitch in these warm days.”
“Tell us a story, Redwoodman!” they pleaded.
I pretended to ponder their request.
“Please, please!”
“Oh, ok. But just one. Who wants to hear a Frog Court story?”
“Yay, Frog Court!”
“Many eons ago in a bog far far away,” I began,”The Frog Court originally defended the rights of native frogs in their appropriate spheres of North America. But due to corruption, the Bullfrogs, an invasive species west of the Rockies, actually seized control of Frog Court and used its powers to eliminate its competitors.”
“As the Liege Lord of the Frog Mitigation Area, I fought every scheme of the bullfrogs at Frog Court, but since bullfrogs themselves sat as the judges, we lost almost every case.”
“Finally, Frog Court sought to wrest away my very control of the Mitigation Area, by alleging I was serving inedible swill to the tadpoles.”
“No! “ the tadpoles exclaimed.
“Their false accusations wounded my very soul. I offered photographic proof (following) that I feed tadpoles better than any of the 3-Michelin Star Bogs of France, which is a nation of frogs. ”
‘Yummy!” The tadpoles cheered.
The back story is that the Evil Bullfrog Arkan and his cronies appointed themselves to be the Judges in Frog Court.
Bullfrogs are imposing enough. But the Bullfrog Judges in Frog Court are large as overgrown men, and somehow different and scarier. It’s unnerving to sit there, watching them watching you from their elevated polished stone podium, while they flex and unflex their long claws.
“UGH!!” The tadpoles cried.
This particular frame-up was especially odious, even for Arkan, who had, in the very recent past, eaten many of the Frog Court’s various plaintiffs, defendants, and attorneys, and had even cannibalized several of his fellow smaller bullfrogs, among his numerous crimes.
“Aargh,” bleated Arkan,”Bring in the next witness.”
I twisted anxiously in my seat at the defendant’s table, whispering to my attorney. “I dunno what’s this is about.”
“Aargh,” Arkan continued,”We have an undercover chorus frog witness who will provide testimony that Redwoodman was in fact poisoning the chorus frog tadpoles in his care, with substandard feedings.”
“Aargh,” Arkan went on, ”based on this testimony, the Court will entertain a motion to revoke Redwoodman’s jurisdiction over the Frog Mitigation Area. I, Arkan, will assume temporary control of the grounds and all tadpoles and chorus frogs and other critters residing within the vicinity.”
“To protect the witness, who is in fact a chorus frog, we will allow his testimony from behind a screen, to shield his identity so that the vengeful chorus frogs will not exact revenge from him or his relations.”
My attorney, Carlos Castaneda Jr., leapt up.
“Objection! We had no notice of this witness!”
Arkan sneered down at Carlos from the Bench.
“On April 1, 2012, you received a documents response from Frog Court for an unrelated matter. Page 1034 of the 2075 page document stated you needed to respond by March 15, 2012 in order to receive advance notice of witnesses, which is a deadline you missed! Objection denied! Let’s hear the witness!”
The Court bailiffs, brought out a stand-alone screen and placed it in front of the witness chair. I think the frog witness came out next, it all looked shadowy behind the translucent screen. The turncoat frog witness swore to tell the truth and Arkan barked, “Tell your story!”
A throaty voice emanated from behind the screen.
“I am a chorus frog, and I gathered the following evidence that Redwoodman starved my brothers and sisters in the Frog Mitigation Area.”
“First of all I submit an Oregon State study that included maintenance of tadpoles in their laboratory. OSU fed these tadpoles rabbit chow and fish food, far exceeding the caloric contents of the paltry rations of underripe duckweed provided by Redwoodman.”
A confident voice boomed from my side.
“And isn’t it true that many of those tadpoles also received thyroxine as part of OSU’s study on how diet can speed metamorphosis?”
Suddenly, Original Gangster, (aka OGee) the oldest and wiliest chorus frog in the ecosystem, hopped forward from the audience, pressing his advantage.
“Yay! Original Gangster!” cheered the tadpoles.
OGee sped to the witness stand, and abruptly kicked over the screen that had been concealing the witness’ identity.
“And furthermore, Sir,” OGee shouted with thinly contained fury, ”I note you are missing your dorsal lateral fold just south of your tympanic membrane. You’re no whistleblower chorus frog! You’re a poorly disguised, lying bullfrog!”
Judge Arkan sprang up, knocking the marble podium to the floor.
“Arrgh! I’ve heard enough! Time to eat some chorus frogs!”
The court room turned into a mob scene, Carlos the attorney, OGee the chorus frog, and I all took off running, with Arkan close behind, bellowing for our blood.
I turned to wish farewell before Arkan tore us stem from stern, but Carlos looked back and chortled.
“Didn’t I tell you I was a legal eagle?” He shrieked. A wall of feathers knocked me to the ground. I’m not sure what happened next but I can tell you this is the last thing that Arkan the Bullfrog ever saw.
“And that’s how OGee helped foil Arkan’s schemes and protected the Frog Mitigation Area!”
“Yay, OGee!” The tadpoles cheered.
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