If you listen to conservative pundits, they will tell you conservatives are under attack. It’s clear that they are victims of a vast conspiracy.
To find out who all these groups and people are who are attacking conservatives, here’s a list compiled from right-wing media sources.
1. Liberals
2. The government (yes, even when they’re running it, it still manages to attack them)
3. The media
4. Scientists
5. Educators
6. Hollywood
7. The middle class
8. Black people
9. Unions
10. George Soros
11. Women
12. The blogosphere
13. Environmentalists
14. Workers
15. Illegal immigrants
16. Legal immigrants
17. California
18. Communists
19. Presbyterians
20. Socialists
21. The Clintons
22. Carpenters
23. The judiciary
24. Muslims
25. Consumer advocacy groups
26. Democrats
27. Canada
28. Europe
29. Comedians (Not funny comedians!)
30. Gays and lesbians
31. Farmers
32. The big cities of America
33. The small cities of Americans
34. Other conservatives (RINOs)
35. Obama
36. Lutherans
37. Nancy Pelosi
38. Universities
39. The “deep state”
40. Musicians
41. 18-29 year olds
42. Catholics
43. Hispanic Americans
44. The gutted small towns of America
45. Seniors
46. Jews
47. The AARP
48. Public radio
49. Writers
50. Al Gore
51. Surfers
52. Colin Powell
53. Retired generals
54. NASA (which apparently is running a conservative child slave colony Mars)
55. Michael Moore
56. FDR
57. The federal reserve
58. Starbucks
59. Public school students
60. Topless sunbathers and their fans in Australia
And these are just a few.
What to do?
With all of these enemies, it’s surprising that conservatives ever make it through the day. Can you understand now why they need so many guns?
These attacks are a threat to our freedom: conservatives are not allowed to be conservatives (whatever this means any more). Regardless, it has never been clearer that conservatives must defend themselves from these relentless attacks.
In order to fight back against all of these people who clearly hate conservatives, conservatives should tune in constantly to conservative media. Otherwise, they will never be able to figure out all of their enemies.
A few other suggestions:
- Point out that you are under attack constantly by using all of the media outlets you own
- Demonize attackers as “radicals” and “fringe” elements
- Generate outrage against these attackers to justify using any means necessary to fight them (eventually maybe they can be imprisoned!)
- Buy the government
- Set up your own “scientific” studies
- Fund think tanks to generate propaganda against these attackers
- Constantly monitor the media for anything that isn’t the latest conservatism, and purge wherever possible
- Scan all textbooks for anti-conservative thought
- Eliminate public schools
- Defund universities that don’t toe the line
- Wage war against the arts, as these people are worthless and don’t really work
- Get rid of any media outlets that aren’t owned by big businesses and allow media consolidation so it is easier to air propaganda
- Promote based on loyalty to the conservative movement rather than qualifications
- Destroy the middle class
The only other action possible is for conservatives to turn off conservative media—and then maybe they won’t feel so threatened.
As a fan of conservative talk radio though, I would urge against this action because without listening to conservative talk radio, we might not know who to properly scapegoat. We might all seem like people who are pretty similar to conservatives, instead of their enemies.
David Akadjian is the author of The Little Book of Revolution: A Distributive Strategy for Democracy (print or ebook).