“Pigeon-shit covered statue of Orrin Hatch is actually the man himself,” say the late-senator’s media team.
Scroll through the late Senator Orrin Hatch’s Twitter feed and you’ll see fairly routine tweets from beyond the grave: support for child-marriage, a tribute to Benito Mussolini (“much misunderstood!”), a plea for permanent suspension of habeus corpus, and glowing praise for the dystopia portrayed in Margaret Atwood’s novel, “The Handmaid’s Tale,” (“paradise!”), among others.
But late Monday evening, the late senator’s media team contacted GOP leaders (known formally as The Council of Twelve Assholes) to say, “We fucked up.”
Turns out, any curious grave-dancer Googling the stiff former-senator on Tuesday morning would have found that one of the top Google search results said Hatch was still alive.
That’s when the problems began for the decidely-dead senator’s social media team members, who realized it wouldn’t be enough to point to a statue in Patriarch’s Park and insist it was the man himself.
Because what good is a claim that Hatch was alive and had climbed up on a pedestal to make a speech when the pigeons were the only ones doing the talking? (And offering commentary.)
“Evidence” that the misogynist and power-hungry corporate puppet was supposedly still alive kept the blogosphere in stitches.
Exhibit A: A photo of the corpse of the late-senator seated at his desk “holding up and reading a paper.”
Asked why the sleeves of the late-senator’s jacket were brown, a different color than his jacket, navy, a Hatch media consultant, sporting a brown jacket, said only, “the backlighting.”
Exhibit B: A photo of the corpse of the late-senator “signing some bills.”
Asked why the late-senator’s corpse had not bothered to uncap the pen, Hatch media consultants admitted the photo was restaged.
Asked why the late-senator’s corpse was signing what appeared to be a bill for anticipated interment costs, Hatch media consultants insisted the paperwork was for a much-loved doberman.
Asked why the late-senator’s face was so heavily caked with foundation, a Hatch media consultant admitted that the late-senator’s corpse was embarrassed by a case of rosacea.
The media blitz by the Hatch media team included links to “full interviews” on “live TV” that the late senator’s corpse “did recently.” No verifiable broadcast dates could be confirmed, though one interview, which featured a dead-faced Hatch clearly croaking criticism of the sitting president, whom Hatch referred to as “President Clinton,” clearly proved the late-senator could, at some uncertain time in the past, imitate sentient life forms.
Standing in Patriarch Park, the statue of the late-senator behind them, the Hatch media team insisted the long-dead-and-dessicated fossil, known to his constituents as “fucking dinosaur” and “unrepentant asshole,” was “very much alive.”
While no comments have been recorded directly from the mouth of the late-senator in over two decades, Hatch spokesman Marvin Whitless says there is a “clever, nimble communications team that works hard to keep up the senator’s own trademark misogyny and corporate apologism.”
That ”work” included sharing a photo of the late-senator’s post-mortem birthday celebration in March, where the insertion of bacon played a significant role.
Asked why the late-senator defended serial wife beater Rob Porter, Whitless replied that Hatch, throughout his life, had only the highest regard for “a Man’s traditional role in traditional marriage.”
Asked why the late-senator’s corpse had so much trouble remembering when he inserted special language into the recent tax overhaul bill that directly benefitted Tennessee Senator Bob Corker, Whitless said that a corpse with a schedule as busy as Hatch’s might well forget a thing or two now and then.
Social media slobbering over the soulless sociopath continued, with Hatch media team members, under pseudonyms, posting glowing praise of the late senator’s productivity, saying, “even in death, the late-senator’s corpse remains one of the most prolific legislators!”
Whitless told NPR that “unconfirmed reports suggest that by 7:30am, the corpse of the senator had already completed an hour on a treadmill and an hour of reconstruction.”
When an advisor to the corpse of the late-senator whispered news of his passing in Hatch’s cracked and flaking ear, the senator was speechless. After the late-senator’s staff and media team insisted Hatch was still “in essence alive,” and not part of some Lenin-style exhibit, they had a good laugh and continued leaving the office in search of fresh air.
Longtime associates and political allies, however, were not alarmed by the news. Having read the four bills the late-senator supposedly advanced the night before, none were surprised to hear he had been dead the whole time. “This stuff reads like 1950,” one said affectionately.
Whitless says the media team “were feeling nostalgic, and wanted to highlight some of the social and economic backsliding of the last few decades.” Asked about the late-senator’s public service, Whitless insisted Hatch’s fawning servitude to corporate persons was unparalleled.
GOP leaders have now begun quietly insisting the late-senator’s corpse should be slated for official retirement and interment at the end of this term.
Asked if the very-much-alive Senator from Arizona, John McCain, would be invited to his funeral, Hatch remained stoned-faced and unresponsive.
(Alert readers will note this post is a parody of a puff piece recently released by NPR as a disservice to the nation. The original blather attempts to sugar coat the career of a self-serving corporate puppet and misogynist from Utah. NPR had earlier released an equally space-wasting attempt to humanize Paul Ryan, conveniently sidestepping any reference to the creature’s disservice to the nation and his refusal to submit to in-person, Town Hall-style questioning from his actual constituents.)