The Mueller probe into Trump’s alleged collusion with Russia has just uncovered an entirely different plot — evidence now shows that back in the late 1990s, while planning to take power in Russia, Putin decided that the quickest and most effective way to bring down the United States would be to poison the country’s water supply. Given his background in the oil business, he already understood that the fastest and easiest way to contaminate groundwater would be from drilling, and the more extreme the method, the more extreme the resulting pollution would be. Vlad persuaded his industry contacts to develop an intense extraction approach that could squeeze oil and gas from previously-inaccessible sources, making it irresistible to Exxon and Co.
In addition to poisoning groundwater, the new procedure would only have to satisfy two other requirements for Putin: 1. It would have to use lots of water, thereby hastening the process of poisoning the entire U.S. water supply; and 2. It would have to create earthquakes, because that way, it would literally shake the American public, just as the poisoned tap water was shaking their brains. Of course, if it made people light their faucets on fire, so much the better!
Once Vladimir’s crew had created the modern fracking technique, his spies passed the information along to American connections, knowing that the greedy U.S. oil and gas types would jump on it, with the exact same level of concern over American water systems that they had shown previously — ZERO! The rise of the Bush/Cheney administration gave his plan the big green light, as Putin got his friend Dick to create the Halliburton loophole that legalized water poisoning.
Meanwhile, in Moscow, as the leader of a petrochemical nation, Mr. P feigned dismay at rising U.S. oil and gas production figures, while inwardly chuckling at his spectacular success. He was, however, taken by surprise as grassroots opposition arose spontaneously in the U.S. a couple of years after widespread fracking began, particularly since he doesn’t allow that kind of dissent in his own country, but within a few months, the former KGB operative developed a strategy to silence protestors. His moles quickly passed the word along, and soon enough, U.S. intelligence agencies began reporting that anti-fracking and anti-pipeline activists were working for, and being funded by, …PUTIN! The scary name SOROS also made an appearance now and then in the media, with suggestions about anti-American collusion with Russia.
Hillary Clinton happily parroted Vlad’s conspiracy story, while also promoting fracking around the globe, and Putin got really excited, thinking that in the end, his own country might be the only one with drinkable water, at which point he could truly rule the world. Other countries figured out, though, one by one, that they didn’t want to poison themselves, but as November of 2016 approached, Putin’s smile grew bigger while watching an election between two candidates who both had already bought into his game. He laughed even louder after the election when he heard the Clinton campaign blame him for their loss, because he knew Hillary would have tried to frack up the U.S. just as badly as Trump is trying to do, if not more so.
Mr. Mueller declines to say publicly whether or not this latest discovery might lead to any indictments, but inside sources claim that Robert has told them privately he thinks Putin should go frack himself!
Note: This Onion-flavored little tidbit appeared in my 3/18 newsletter, and if you think you’d like to read more stuff like it, you can sign up for my monthly dispatch at daveelder.com.