As a young man, when I would question the actions of the United States, I was often told, if I didn’t like it here, I could always move to Russia. Half the time, they didn’t even bother saying it, just let their cars do the talking.
I’ve been thinking about that advice a lot lately. When I hear Republicans talking down the evil, mean FBI while cheering the president’s private snuggle session with a Russian dictator, I yearn for a 1972 Country Squire wagon with plenty of bumper sticker room on the tailgate.
The last straw for this reluctant patriot was the picture taken by the Cleveland Plain Dealer’s Jeremy Pelzer of the two mooks at Himself’s Ohio rally earlier this month. You know the shot.
When I saw those “patriots,” I blew up.
“SO JUST F’ING GO ALREADY, DIMBULBS!”
It’s a big country! Declining population! They love white people! Especially overweight drunken boors who can’t tell politics from soccer hooliganism! Bring your lack of indoor voice and oversized, unwarranted self-approval! You’ll fit right in!.
No hard feelings, fellas. I’m just happy you’ve finally come to see that America, the real America, full of all kinds of funny-looking, funny-sounding people, and laws that give everybody the same rights as everybody else, maybe just isn’t the kind of place you feel comfortable.
But you’re in luck. There’s a place where closeted authoritarian bottoms and self-declared Übermenschen can expect a hearty “радушный прием!”
As always, a direct link to the video is provided for those whose browsers do not like embedded video.
Astute solfègists will recognize the musical track as the instrumental version of “Troll Factory (Troll Zavod).” We recycle.