From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
A Dark and Stormy Night in the Kiddie Pool
It's a highlight of my year---plopping my ass down in a Victorian wingback with a frosty beverage and basking in the brilliant badness of the winning entries in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest---named after Edward “It was a dark and stormy night” Bulwar-Lytton as "a whimsical literary competition that challenges entrants to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels." The Class of 2018 was just announced by the English department at San Jose State University. A sample:
"It was either a dark or a stormy night, depending, of course, on if one was comparing globally or locally, as the midnight sun would be considered quite bright to the rest of the world, and by Alaskan standards, the negative fifty-degree wind chill would be considered balmy," thought Janet as she wrestled yet another sled dog out of the alien's tractor beam.
---P. Seakat, NY (Dark & Stormy)
Howya, Eddie!
"Pooh," said Piglet inquisitively, "I don't believe the quantum interplay of dark energy and black holes allows for the anti-matter superposition of a Higgs-Boson vector that you are postulating transported you thru an n-dimensional carbon lattice and got you stuck in the hunny tree . . . just sayin'."
---T. Metz, IN (Children's Literature)
Lisa cried inconsolably after handing in her report on her parents’ climate denialism, but she cheered up no end when her teacher gave her report a gold star, with silver stars for using grown up phrases such as ‘ignorant conspiracy theorists’ and ‘secret cabal of well funded front organizations for Big Oil’.
---J. Das, England (Dishonorable Mention)
The professor had constantly warned his protégé about the time travel related risks of meeting a past version of yourself or killing your grandfather, but unfortunately he'd never mentioned the worst time machine risk of all---sticking your head out of the window.
---P. Davies, Wales (Science Fiction)
In preparation for visits by African dignitaries, we had redecorated the West Wing of the White House in an African motif with numerous artificial plants and animals, but the President asked that we remove the papier-mache wildebeests, saying he was "tired of fake gnus."
---W. Ocheltree, GA (Vile Puns)
You can read the full list, including the grand prize winner---the youngest in the contest's history---right here. Preferably while a dog barks in the distance.
Your west coast-friendly edition ofCheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, August 31, 2018
Note: YES! There will be a Cheers and Jeers Monday. We owe you guys a crap-ton of make-goods after our extended absence last year, so we’ll be here with our Labor Day tutu on. (Yes---I have a Labor Day tutu. I scratched and clawed my way through the crowd to nab the last one before Filene’s Basement went under in 2011. And if I may say, it’s one of the larger goals I’ve been fortunate enough to cross off my bucket list early enough to really savor the moment.) So if you’re up early Monday, swing on by. Oh, and if you’re pregnant and you go into labor while reading our Labor Day column, we’ll give you a 16-ounce Schlitz on the house.
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By the Numbers:
Tomorrow!!!
Days 'til the midterm elections: 67
Days 'til the Sausalito Art and Wine Festival: 1
Amount of water Rep. Michael McCaul's (R-TX) home used in 2017, making it Austin's biggest single-family home water hog: 1.4 million gallons
Percent of 2018 Dem House primary races featuring one woman, one man and no incumbent on the ballot that were won by women: 69%
Percent of Americans who say Trump has delivered on his campaign promise to "drain the swamp" in Washington, according to a USA Today-Suffolk University poll: 23%
Increase in U.S. shipping rates in the year that ended June 30, which is causing more restaurants to shift to buying more local produce, according to Bloomberg: 14%
Current ocean temperature off the Portland, Maine coast: 66F
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Saved!!!
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CHEERS to today's homegrown brush with infamy. Woo-hoo!!! One of Maine's own born-and-raised-ins just pled guilty in federal court to aiding and abetting notorious gangsters. And guess who collared him? Robert “Elliot Ness Is My Spirit Guide” Mueller. Spoiler alert: this GOP heel’s got a connection to Paul Manafort and pro-Russian …
W. Samuel Patten, 47, was charged with one count of violating the Foreign Agents Registration Act for failing to register with the Justice Department when he his represented the Ukrainian opposition bloc from 2014 to 2018. […]
What’s even crazier: W. Samuel Patton is a lobster.
Patten also agreed he had steered an illegal foreign donation to Donald Trump’s inauguration, telling prosecutors that he arranged for an American citizen to act as a “straw donor” to give $50,000 to Trump’s inauguration in place of a Ukrainian businessman who was legally barred from contributing to the event. […]
The charges were filed by the U.S. Attorney’s Office in Washington rather than by special counsel Mueller. Mueller’s team likewise referred an investigation into Ukraine political work by other Manafort associates, lobbyist Tony Podesta and Vin Weber, to prosecutors in New York. … Andrew Weissmann, a lawyer on Mueller’s team who has been leading the Manafort prosecution, was present in court when Patten pleaded guilty.
He faces up to five years in the slammer and a quarter-million-dollar fine. Okay, y’all pay attention: when the special prosecutor eventually sends half the Republican party to prison and the "Mueller Trail" is established to take you to all the states and cities where the action happened, don’t forget to stop up here in Maine. I'll have a W. Samuel Patton bobblehead to sell you. (Cash, check and all major credit cards accepted but, pardon my French, fuck your bitcoin.)
After his 90-day probationary period, Passantino was given a chair.
JEERS to another rat fleeing the sinking ship. Donald Trump "only hires the best people, believe me," so it should come as no surprise that the liar-in-chief is losing his 80-something-th senior staffer in 19 months. Stefan Passantino was the White House's chief ethics lawyer. His job was to help Trump administration staffers who wanted to seek out advice on proper financial disclosure and legal compliance because it was important to them that they maintain the utmost integrity and transparency. Passantino says he wants to spend more time with his family. Translation: he got tired of sitting in his unmarked office in the west wing basement playing Checkers all day with the Maytag repairman.
CHEERS to seeing things close-up. On this date in 1842, the U.S. Naval Observatory was created by an act of Congress. (What? Congress actually did something useful? Ma, fetch the smelling salts!) Their first weekly report was brief: "We see London. We see France. We see President Tyler's underpants! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!" Now you know why he scowled so much.
CHEERS to squinting through your looking glass and shouting “Land Ho!” Speaking of seeing things close-up: after nearly two years hurtling through space, The Osiris-REx probe was down to just "Fourteen bottles of beer on the wall, fourteen bottles of beer…" when it finally spotted Club Med Bennu, the asteroid it'll spend some quality time on when it lands to pick up samples in mid-2020. Here's its agenda as it makes its approach:
• Regularly observe the area around the asteroid to search for dust plumes and natural satellites, and study Bennu’s light and spectral properties.
• Execute a series of four asteroid approach maneuvers, beginning on Oct. 1, slowing the spacecraft to match Bennu's orbit around the Sun.
Tattoo: “Da probe! Da probe!”
Mr. Rourke: “Welcome...to Fantasy Asteroid!”
• Jettison the protective cover of the spacecraft’s sampling arm in mid-October and subsequently extend and image the arm for the first time in flight.
• Use OCAMS to reveal the asteroid’s overall shape in late-October and begin detecting Bennu’s surface features in mid-November.
If all goes well, Osiris will deliver the rock samples that will arrive on earth in 2023 and fascinate humanity. If all goes wrong, Osiris will deliver alien hijackers that will arrive on earth in 2023 and vaporize humanity.
CHEERS to historic ringy-dingies. Be sure to wish everyone a Happy Emma Nutt Day tomorrow. On this date in 1878, the first female telephone operator in the U.S.---the aforementioned Mrs. Nutt---started working for the Telephone Dispatch Company of Boston. She was brought in after the existing operators---a bunch of male telegraph tappers who turned into snotty unhelpful little twits when they started talking to actual people---were fired. And the following day in 1878 they used those skills to form the first cable company customer service call center.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Now that September is moments away and Maine is already snowed in until next June (16 inches last night), the TV is in complete control of our lives. Unfortunately there's not much on Labor Day weekend ever since the 24-hour MDA Telethon was ripped from the fabric of society like a cheap strip of Velcro. But at least there's Friday News Dump parsing tonight on MSNBC, and right now on ESPN Serena and Venus Williams are facing off in a historic match at the U.S. Open.
Now on home video.
On What Would You Do (tonight at 9, ABC), a headline-fresh setup with customer reaction to store employees (actors) falsely accusing a black woman (also an actor) for using what they say is a "fake coupon." Tomorrow morning John McCain’s funeral will dominate the cable and even network news channels. New home video releases include the hit RBG (which will wind up in the top 20 highest-grossing documentaries of all time) and the sleeper hit Book Club. The baseball schedule is here, the U.S. Open Tennis viewing schedule is here, and tomorrow there's a shitload of college football games on what seems like every channel ('tis the season). On 60 Minutes: Bill and Melinda Gates put 20,000 students through college. After that, TV becomes a vast wasteland of reruns, giving you several Sunday evening hours to strap on your headphones and crank up some Aretha.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
CNN's State of the Union: Democratic candidate for Florida governor Andrew Gillum; McCain’s partners in crime Joe Lieberman and Lindsey Graham; Rep. Tim Ryan (D-OH).
Meet Florida’s next governor on CNN and NBC.
Meet the Press: Sens. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN) and Dan Sullivan (R-AK); Andrew Gillum; Amy Walter of Cook Political Report reads the midterm tea leaves.
This Week: Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA); Rep. Eric Swalwell (D-CA); Alan Dershowitz; Sen. Jeff Flake (R-AZ); former New Orleans mayor Mitch Landrieu; Chris Christie; top-secret secrets compromiser David Petraeus.
Face the Nation: TBA
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Sens. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) and Dick Durbin (D-IL); and in Fox News’s once-a-year acknowledgement of the existence of organized labor, AFL-CIO president Richard Trumka gets a perfunctory interview.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: August 31, 2008
JEERS to adults who prove every day they're not smarter than a fifth-grader. Steve Doocy of---you guess it---Fox News says Sarah "Who?" Palin is a fantastic choice for vice president. He thinks she's got the chops she needs to handle foreign affairs because... Um, because... Because Russia is in her backyard. Which I guess means that if McCain wins, Steve Doocy will be a shoo-in to be appointed Ambassador to Pluto.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to magic moments in malodorousness. In the immortal words of stalwart C&J splasher Thinking Fella: "It's a great time to be ALIVE!!!" Anyone who reads C&J regularly, besides having questionable taste in reading material, knows that I go cuckoo for corpse flowers (aka Amorphophallus titanum). And just in time for the Labor Day weekend, good ol' "Stinky" opened a can of stinkola at the Denver Botanic Gardens. There's a method to its malodorousness:
The corpse flower bloom, native to rainforests of western Sumatra (an Indonesian island), has a foul odor that resembles decaying flesh. The potency of the aroma increases from late evening until the middle of the night and tapers off as morning arrives. It will not smell until it blooms. The smell is produced to attract flies and carrion beetles for pollination. While blooming, the spadix (the large spike) warms to 98 degrees, further vaporizing the odor and increasing the range from which pollinators are attracted.
Here's the livecam:
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My instinct tells me to hold Trump up to ridicule by claiming it rivals the stink that must come from his bedroom, which he bars the cleaning staff from tending to. But that wouldn’t be fair. To the corpse flower.
Have a great weekend and enjoy your Labor Day. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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