There are times in my life where I just cannot wrap my ahead around all that is going on in the world. Most of the time I can sort it all out. But times like these are not normal times. To help me try and understand everything that has happened in the last few years in regards to Trump’s rise to power, I imagined trying to explain the world of 2018 with my 1985ish self.
1985 self: "So what is the future like?"
2018 self: “There are a lot of years between my time and your time. Where do you want me to start?”
1985 self: “Do we have flying cars? Do you live on the moon? Have we been to Mars yet?”
2018 self: “The answer to all those questions is no.”
1985 self: “Am I still with Heather?”
2018 self: “I should not answer this one, but, no—she sends you a Dear John letter in a couple months while you are on the East/West German border. It will take you a couple years to get over, but it is a good thing in the end.”
1985 self: “Well that sucks—does she say why?”
2018 self: “Let’s circle back to that one.”
1985 self: “Are we still in a Cold War with Russia? Did they win? Did we win? Were nukes used? Do you all have to wear radiation suits?”
2018 self: "Man, I read too many sci-fi books growing up. The Cold War sort of ended with a whimper in the ‘90s. But we still went to war with Iraq. The Russians interfered in our 2016 presidential elections and got their guy elected, a reality show host, Donald Trump. He wrote a book called Art of the Deal—most Republicans seem okay with that. No nukes were used, and we don’t wear radiation suits.”
1985 self: "Iraq? Why the hell would we go to war with them? Come on, if the Soviets did that we would have nuked them, and Donald Trump? The rich guy in New York—the one with that book, the art of the deal, that one? Quit pulling my leg."
2018 self: “I am not joking. I wish I was. We went to war with Iraq twice, once because they invaded Kuwait, and a second time for no real good reason at all. Kind of a long story on that one, but we also invaded Afghanistan. They are not the Soviet Union anymore, it is Russia now, and Russia does not like being the little guy on the block. And yes, Donald Trump—for the love of all that is holy do everything you can to stop him from running for president in 2016.”
1985 self: “Stop rich guy from running for president, got it. What else can you tell me?”
2018 self: “Well, fascism made a comeback, Republicans are openly running for Congress as Nazis, white supremacists, and evidently at least one of them likes like Bigfoot porn."
1985 self: “Bigfoot, as in women with big feet? No, seriously, what is the future like? You don't need to make stuff up."
2018 self: “I am not making this up, and no, not big feet, we are talking Sasquatch here, you know big hairy missing link dude. In the ‘90s a president was impeached for lying about getting a blowjob. Today the current president has been paying off porn stars he has had affairs with while he was married to his third wife.”
1985 self: “What does the Moral Majority think of this?”
2018 self: “Well, the Moral Majority sort of fizzled out, but other groups popped up in their place. None of them really seem to care about his philandering. But man, they sure did care about that blowjob.”
1985 self: “Uh, you sure you are not joking?”
2018 self: “I wish I was joking."
1985 self: “No flying cars, huh.”
2018 self: “Nope.”
1985 self: “What is music like in 2018? Is heavy metal still popular?”
2018 self: “You are really going to want to sit down for this. ...”