By now you’ve heard about Donald Trump’s plans to create a sixth branch of the military called “Space Force.” The logistics of a “Space Force” require the steady, cold cynicism of someone who is good at slowly shaking their head and squinting approvingly while crazy things are proposed. That’s why Donald Trump put female-phobic Mike Pence in charge! Why do we need a “Space Force?” Listen, I’m not a billionaire like Trump is so it’s above my pay grade. But if an expert at everything like Donald Trump says we need a “Space Force,” then we need a goddamn SPACE FORCE!!!! Trump and his administration are filled with all kinds of wondrous distractions ideas.
Here’s a list of other new branches of the military currently being mulled over by the braintrust that is the Trump White House.
- Water Force—Sure, we have a Navy, but Trump was deeply affected by James Cameron’s 1989 sci-fi drama The Abyss, and he plans on literally getting to the bottom of this!
- Under the Sea Force—Similar to the Water Force but closely connected to Trump’s epiphanic experience watching Disney’s 1989 film The Little Mermaid.*
- Billionaire Force—Smaller SEAL-style group sent out to protect billionaires, including the entire Trump cabinet.
- Cooties Force—Pushed for by Pence, this group would focus on the best strategies for men to protect themselves from the wiles of the “fairer sex.”
- Aviary Force—Bald eagles are dangerous, man!
- Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now Force—Dedicated to suppressing the influence of Egyptian sleeper agents disguised as mannequins
- Ghost Force—Let’s just say the sequel to Ghostbusters came out in 1989.
- Road Runner Force—Wile E. Coyote never did catch that Road Runner, and Trump knows that that is because Wile E. Coyote is “pathetic” and “weak.”
- Force Force—This is an important branch of the military that will closely monitor the Star Wars franchise as it plows forward creating movies, television, video games, and merchandise.
Is it a distraction from Trump’s corrupt and failing administration? Once again, above my pay grade.
*1989 was a watershed year for Trump and movies, it seems.