From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Kimmel Has a Good Idea
If they’re gonna run Trump’s addresses, the networks should at least run a disclaimer:
The following presidential address is a work of fiction.
All personalities, incidents, events, locations and facts
were pulled directly from the president's ass.
Any resemblance to reality Is entirely coincidental
He has a few other random thoughts on Tuesday’s B.S. fest:
-
Along with us pesky bloggers, the late-night hosts have had a field day as fact checkers and bullshit debunkers in the Dotard Era. Lord knows we need all the help we can get.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold...[Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, January 10, 2019
Note: You know the real reason why there's only one pair of footprints in the sand now? Jesus got a jetpack from his dad for Christmas.
-
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the next Super Bowl halftime wardrobe malfunction: 24
Days 'til the Sundance Film Festival: 14
Percent of Democrats, independents and Republicans, respectively, who favor a public option in health care, according to a Politico/Harvard poll: 70%, 71%, 51%
Percent of Americans in 1938 and 2018, respectively, who approved of a married woman getting a job if her husband could support her, according to HuffPo: 22%, 92%
Estimated number of internet-connected smart devices (ovens, refrigerators, toilets, TVs) that will ship in 2022, twice as many as last year, according to research firm IDC: 1.3 billion
Size of Maine's wild blueberry crop this year: 57 million pounds
Number of U.S. House districts in Orange County, California that are now represented by Republicans: 0
-
Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
Oh boy! Starting the year off briskly, lending it such tone already, such cachet, such je ne sais quoi---those Republicans are so special, aren't they? Their first move, first rat out of the trap, top priority: lower ethics standards. Yessiree, this 2005 is going to be quite a year.
Let's put that to a vote. Many problems before us---Iraq, a Social Security "crisis," a real health care crisis, world terrorism, our international reputation possibly at its lowest ever ... who is in favor of lowering ethics standards first? Who thinks ethics standards in Washington are too high? […]
Now, I'm not going to conclude that Fascism Is Upon Us just because we have an administration that not only can't find the Constitution but apparently doesn't know there is one. Too early in the year for that. Long way to go. Got to save your indignation. But it is unpleasantly reminiscent of Watergate, isn't it? That's what we're looking at here, folks---not just constitutional deafness, but moral turp as well. All we need is one bag job and an alert night security man.
---January 2005
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: Stickin' to that ol’ weight loss resolution…
-
JEERS to the traitors among "U.S." Bad Paul Manafort, bad! How dare you pee on this country's carpet like that? [Rolls up newspaper] [Whap Whap Whap Whap Whap!!!] Bad, bad boy!* Thanks to his inept lawyers at Dewey, Cheatum & Howe, who thought they could redact documents by running a Sharpie marker across their computer screen, we now know with 99.27511192 percent certainty that Trump's right-hand man during the 2016 campaign conspired with the Russians to bring the United States to its knees through the election of the Trump crime family. As Mark Sumner---one of the many Daily Kos contributors who should be dipped in gold (don't forget to leave a nostril open so he can still breathe)---summarized yesterday, this is indeed very bad for Captain Ostrich Coat:
☭ Traveled to Madrid to meet with Kilimnik, and only admitted this to the special counsel when he was confronted by proof they had been there together.
☭ Talked with Kilimnik on multiple occasions about a plan for Ukraine—a discussion that happened at nearly the same time that Trump was insisting on changes in the Republican platform about Ukraine.
☭ Provided Kilimnik with internal polling data collected by the Trump campaign, and lied to investigators about it during the plea deal.
Manafort’s entire presence on Team Trump was just another “part of Russia and its government’s support for Mr Trump” that Rob Goldstone wrote about in his letter to Donald Trump before the infamous Trump Tower meeting—a meeting that was attended by Paul Manafort.
By the time Mueller gets done with his perjuring ass, you can just call him Dead Manafort Walking.
* This is not to imply I would ever hit an animal with a rolled-up newspaper. Only traitors of the species homo sapiens deserve it. Right on the nose.
JEERS to the biggest loser. Did you read where the ratings for Trump's fake-news border speech were the highest numbers of all-time for any TV broadcast during any presidency in the history of our country and that includes Washington and Lincoln, believe me, believe me? Yeah…me neither. But I did read where he and propaganda minister Stephen Miller got knocked to the ground and pummeled by their biggest rivals, one of them a girl:
The New Year is kicking off pretty well for Nancy Pelosi as the past and current Speaker of the House of Representatives just hit Donald Trump where it hurts the former Celebrity Apprentice host the most---in the ratings.
[Pelosi/Schumer pulled a 29.3 share, while Trump/Miller could only muster a 28.1.]
That may be the very first time…an opposition party response has beaten a sitting President’s address to the nation.
But don’t feel too bad for the president. Looking into my crystal ball, I see sky-high ratings in his future. And personally, I can’t wait for the season premiere of Celebrity Apprentice: Impeachment Edition.
JEERS to reform at the speed of tortoise. On January 10, 1878, a constitutional amendment was introduced in the Senate that would give women the right to vote. The amendment was so slow to catch on that it wasn't signed into law for another 42 years. A period more commonly known as the "Era of Wifely Dirty Looks."
"BLIMEY!" to a bloody, blinkered mess. The British version of our conservative movement's war on immigrants is, of course, the Brexit movement, with the separation from the European Union the equivalent of their "big beautiful wall." Except in their case they actually got what they wished (read: voted) for, and the damage to the UK is going to be severe and chaotic when the separation finally happens. (Hell, the disruption is already costing them $600 million a week.) Parliament still needs to approve a deal with the EU, and that’s going about as well as you'd expect of a political body filled with clueless wankers:
Rebel Conservative MPs have joined forces with Labour to inflict a fresh blow on Theresa May's government in a Commons Brexit vote.
It means the government will have to come up with fresh plans within three days if Mrs May's EU withdrawal deal is rejected by MPs next week. It could also open the door to alternatives, such as a referendum. […]
The setback for the PM came as MPs started five days of debate on the withdrawal agreement with the EU, and the framework for future relations, ahead of the meaningful vote next Tuesday. […] The government was expecting to have 21 days to come up with a "plan B" for Brexit if, as widely expected, Mrs May's deal is voted down.
But MPs backed calls for it to respond within three working Parliamentary days, a deadline likely to fall on Monday 21 January.
In the immortal words of Big Ben: Tick-tock…Tick-tock…
CHEERS to naming rights. Lost in all the hoopla about trivial issues like the government shutdown, Russian cyber warfare, and Republicans' ongoing effort to throw America into the toilet and flush, is the most pressing issue of our time: what parents are naming their spawn, of course. So allow me, via babycenter.com, to terminate the suspense: the most popular boy names of 2018 were Jackson, Liam and Noah. Top girl names were Sophia, Olivia, Cora and Emma. I went through a period of confusion when I was young, thanks to my mom and dad. For the first eighteen years of my life I thought my middle name was Billy and my first name was Dammit.
JEERS to not paying attention. On January 10, 2001, President-(not)-elect Bush and his "national security" team (Condi Rice and a Steinway baby grand) received their first top-secret Pentagon briefing on military challenges around the world. Judging by their performance over the next eight years, they apparently tuned out somewhere around, "Now listen carefully, this is important..."
-
Ten years ago in C&J: January 10, 2009
JEERS to President Bush's legacy. Heckuva job, you asshole:
When Muhammad Saad Iqbal arrived home here in August after more than six years in American custody, including five at the military prison at Guantánamo Bay, Cuba, he had difficulty walking, his left ear was severely infected, and he was dependent on a cocktail of antibiotics and antidepressants. ...
The maladies, said Mr. Iqbal, 31, a professional reader of the Koran, are the result of a gantlet of torture, imprisonment and interrogation for which his Washington lawyer plans to sue the United States government. [...]
Mr. Iqbal was never convicted of any crime, or even charged with one. He was quietly released from Guantánamo with a routine explanation that he was no longer considered an enemy combatant, part of an effort by the Bush administration to reduce the prison’s population.
The government plans to counter-sue Mr. Iqbal for using his face to break bones in his interrogator's clenched fists. Very uncivil of him.
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to a sad day for my hometown. January 10, 1982 was a dark day for my little Ohio birth hamlet Mount Vernon (pop. 15,000). Our most famous son, Paul "Center Square" Lynde, was found dead (heart attack) at 55 in his Beverly Hills home, and our town just froze for the day (although, in fairness, it was the middle of January). It’s no longer a secret that most of the jokes Lynde got credit for on Hollywood Squares were created by professional writers with a real knack for double entendres. But Paul’s campy gift for timing elevated them to comedy hall-of-fame material:
Peter Marshall: Paul, in what famous book will you read about a talking ass who wonders why it's being beaten?
Paul Lynde: The Joy of Sex.
-
Peter Marshall: Will a newborn baby learn anything by the time he's 5 days old?
Paul Lynde: Yes, we should avoid each other when we're drinking.
-
Peter Marshall: Paul, the state flag of Alabama is all white with one very distinctive feature. What is it?
Paul Lynde: Eye holes.
-
Peter Marshall: Paul, it is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
-
Peter Marshall: Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something very important. What?
Paul Lynde: An engagement ring.
-
Peter Marshall: In the The Wizard of Oz, the lion wanted courage and the tin man wanted a heart. What did the scarecrow want?
Paul Lynde: He wanted the tin man to notice him.
-
Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
-
Peter Marshall: President Nixon doesn’t like to watch the news on television. Why?
Paul Lynde: Because it's on opposite Sesame Street.
You'll find tons of clips and info at the official Lynde fan site and here. He was an interesting---and frustrating---transitional figure on the LGBT timeline of the 60s and 70s. Even though his lips never said "I'm gay," his demeanor screamed it. But scores of homophobic female fans never figured it out, and their adoring fan mail, including marriage proposals, never stopped filling his mailbox. Peter Marshall famously said, "Paul made the world safe for sissies." And I gotta say, it's nice not having to lock my door at night.
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
The dKos community is a really interesting sample of voters, more like the Dem electorate than, say, MoveOn. A kiddie pool of partisan Democrats who are liberal, but really really want to splash.
---Dave Weigel
-