Most people laugh when I say I’m insecure about my body. They say, you’re so skinny, how can you be unhappy?” “Don’t you realize how many girls would kill for your body?” “What is wrong with you? I wish I was skinny.” “You’re so ungrateful.” They all say the same thing. SO maybe I am just being ridiculous when I look at my body in the mirror right before homecoming and sigh. And wish I was different. Wish I had bigger butt, or bigger boobs. I want to change my body, but I know I can’t so I live with it. I keep it in. I don’t say anything. Because I know when I do, people judge me.
Why is it, the people that are always supposed to be there for you somehow manage to mess with your head? How come they laugh off my problems and then start talking about theirs again? How is that fair? Or is it because life isn’t supposed to be fair?
Even my own mother has said she doesn't understand why I don't like my body. I told her and she said it was ridiculous. (But, everyone does, so don't feel bad. When you see this). She told me I shouldn’t say anything to other’s because it would make them feel bad about themselves, because I’m skinny. I guess it is reasonable to say that. Most people associate the unhappiness with being overweight. But that's not always the case. I am very skinny and I still hate my body. I feel like I'm all the way on the other side of the spectrum, I get teased for how small my breast and butt are. I know my friends don't mean harm, and it's all fun and games. But I'll tell you, that shit gets to you after a while. It stings like a bee.
I grew up hating my body, comparing myself to models or Disney princesses, the typical little girls dream. I would sit in front of my mirror and suck in my stomach until my ribs stuck out like a plain skeleton. Then I would relax and stare at myself in disgust. I would scold myself because I didn’t have the “desired body,” all I wanted was to be desired. I had gorgeous friends and they were always paid attention to. I was the small, ignored one in the corner. Standing there quietly behind my friends. Never talked to, and if they did I was an awkward mess. I would laugh or make a joke, that wasn’t even a joke. It just came out rude. Then they never talked to me again.
I always blamed it on my body. I was uncomfortable with myself and I thought it rubbed off on my social skills. Now, I sit here, watching the rain pour outside, the lights flickering, and listening to the sounds of wind and thunder, wondering how someone can allow themselves to get to this point. How I left myself get to the point where I am able to admit that I don’t like my body.
I don’t remember a time where I was happy with my body, or didn’t want to change it. It's a sad reality that many young girls live with. Body standards are very real. And no matter how much people preach body positivity. They leave out the people that are struggling with being considered too skinny. So, I guess there really is never anything good enough. Double standards are just too strong. Maybe it will change one day. I hope to be alive to see a generation filled with love and no judgement. My generation claims that’s us, but we all know it’s not true. If its true, why are we always preaching it? We shouldn’t need to.