From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
What Made Trump Look Like An Even Bigger Jackass in October
The summit of Bullshit Mountain towers ever higher…
The G-7
Nickelback
North Korea
“Rupublicans”
Pat Robertson
Nationals fans
His twitter butt
Lindsey Graham
That loony letter
The pro-shark media
Manufacturing contracts
His alligator-filled "moot"
The second whistleblower
His capitulation to Turkey
Mike Pompeo's jockstrap?
His bizarre Halloween habits
Maine astronaut Jessica Meir
His call for self-impeachment
The Kurds during World War II
His use of the word "lynching"
Secretary of Defense Esperanto
The White House Italian translator
The other chants of “Lock him up!”
Obama's capture of Osama bin Laden
Why, of course there’s more. We put it downstairs to keep it from stinkin’ things up too much above the fold. Message: we care.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold...[Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, October 31, 2019
Note: Leaf unemployment surges as millions are let go. Film at 11.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Election Day 2019: 5
Days 'til the Three Rivers Art Festival in Covington, Louisiana: 9
Rank of Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Vladimir Putin among world leaders who are considered the biggest threats to world peace, according to a new YouGov poll: #1, #2, #3
Support for Sanders, Warren and Biden in the latest CNN-UNH poll of New Hampshire Democrats: 21%, 18%, 15%
Rank of October 31 among the deadliest days of the year for pedestrians, according to Parade magazine: #2
Year the phrase "trick or treat" was first used in the U.S.: 1927
Percent of candy corn eaters who bite off the white tip first: 43%
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
Some people think you cannot break a dog that has got in the habit of killin' chickens, but my friend John Henry always claimed you could.
He said the way to do it is to take one of the chickens the dog has killed and wire the thing around the dog's neck, good and strong. And leave it there until that dead chicken stinks so bad that no other dog or person will even go near that poor beast. Thing'll smell so bad the dog won't be able to stand himself. You leave it on there until the last little bit of flesh rots and falls off, and that dog won't kill chickens again.
The Bush administration is going to be wired around the neck of the American people for four more years, long enough for the stench to sicken everybody. It should cure the country of electing Republicans.
And at least Democrats won't have to clean up after him until it is real clear to everyone who made the mess.
—November 2004
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Trick or…Kibble???
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JEERS to the eraserhead-in-chief. Everybody said that Trump's victory lap in the wake of the death of Baghdadi Bob would last at least through Tuesday. Ha ha ha! They weren't counting on the impeachment-inquiry testimony of Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman, who knocked it off the radar when he swore under oath that the White House's transcript of the July 25 call between Trump and Ukraine's president skipped a bunch of damning stuff. C&J sent the Billywitness News Team to infiltrate the White House (enjoy that Snickers Bar, Barron) and listen to the entire thing, and we can report that the following exchanges are missing:
THE PRESIDENT: I want dirt on Biden, you hear me? Dirt in exchange for weapons! Quid—the dirt—for weapons—the pro quo. Understand?
ZELENSKY: Um…
THE PRESIDENT: And don’t go through any government people, okay? Just use my personal people for delivering the dirt—again, the quid—and procuring the weapons—again, the pro quo. But don’t tell anyone, capeesh?
ZELENSKY: Um…
Boy, that Zelensky is so busted.
CHEERS to preparing the battlefield. Today the steely-eyed, truth-obsessed, America-loving House Democrats will call a vote on the rules and other assorted parameters that will determine the extent to which the Trump impeachment hearings slowly drive the Republican party into a convulsive orgy of drywall-clawing outrage that physicians will note perfectly mirrors the symptoms of mad cow disease. The elves at Explainer Land, aka Vox, say there are five takeaways from the resolution. But they use too many words so here's my explainer for their explainer:
1. Closed-door Intel Committee hearing transcripts will be made public so the American people can, at their leisure, come up with excuses for not reading them.
2. Witnesses get 45 minutes for questions, 1 glass of water, and 1 slice of bread.
3. Republicans can request documents, but they'll only get them if they say "please" and give the Statue of Freedom on top of the Capitol dome a gentle and sincere hug.
4. The Judiciary Committee will not put up with any shit because they own these hearings, bub.
5. Trump's legal staff (Rudy Giuliani and an earthworm with an online law degree from the University of Phoenix) can join the hearings to try and put lipstick on the pig, but…see #4.
Also: any red meat thrown to any base must be fully cooked. Damn you, killjoy health code people.
JEERS to no-shows. Harry Houdini died 93 years ago today, but not from one of his death-defying magic tricks. It was a ruptured appendix…but spooky nonetheless:
Houdini was 52 years old when he died, the exact number of playing cards in a deck. Further, he was born 26 years before the start of the new century, and died 26 years into the next one—as if his "life's deck" had been deftly cut in half by Fate, the ultimate magician.
For a full ten years after Houdini's death, his wife Bess conducted a séance on October 31.These séances were always attended by the top names in magic, as well as personal friends of the great magician. Houdini had told Bess that if it were possible, he would send a message to her "from beyond" in secret code. Though Bess herself stopped participating in the séances after 1937,members of the magic fraternity have kept the tradition.
If you're conducting a séance tonight and you smell burnt cannoli, you'll know you've erroneously reached Antonin Scalia. Dog shit? Jerry Falwell.
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man. Over at Raw Story, ProPublica asks: Who makes money when a bunch of conspiracy theorists throw a party at Trump’s hotel?
Parasites.
Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
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CHEERS to a pleasant evening at the ballpark. I admit it—I was rooting for the blue state team over the red state team. There’s nothing in the Book of Life that says I gotta be rational about it. Sunday night's booing at Trump probably tipped the scales for me, but also they were due for a twirl with the trophy. So congratulations, Washington—THE NATIONALS WIN THE SERIES!!! THE NATIONALS WIN THE SERIES!!! THE NATIONALS WIN THE SERIES!!!
The final tally: four games to three. Which, spoiler alert, is what the margin of victory will be for the Red Sox next year over the Nationals. That's just freaky.
CHEERS and JEERS to monumental achievements. On this date in 1941, Mount Rushmore was deemed "complete" after 14 years of blasting and chiseling, but only because they'd run out of money. It's an eyesore and an insult to Native Americans, and it's more a testament to its creator's ego than anything else.
Having said that, it's still quite an accomplishment and it sure sums up the #1 thing you need to be President of the United States: a really big head.
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Ten years ago in C&J: October 31, 2009
CHEERS to Christmas in October. You must've cleaned your plate last night because today Santa Pelosi is gonna let you unwrap your very own House version of healthcare reform!!! It's an EZ Bake Oven, Brady Bunch Sno-Cone maker, GI Joe (with kung-fu grip), Spirograph, Tickle Me Elmo and porn subscription all rolled into one—and for being such a good boy or girl, you get a public option, too! But you can't play with it just yet. Nope, not until half the people in your extended family—and a majority of the crabby Senate family next door—vote to give it to you. Until then, here: have a pet rock. [10/31/19 Update: The crabby Senate family next door threw the public option into their trash compacter. Gee, thanks.]
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And just one more…
JEERS to more of Mr. Maniac’s maniacal manure. As promised, here’s the bottom half of this month’s record-breaking list of people and things that made Trump look like an even bigger jackass in October:
His "human scum" press secretary
His "great and unmatched wisdom"
Speaker Nancy Pelosi's index finger
His glorious new Colorado border wall
Lt. Colonel Alexander Vindman under oath
His nutball "ambush" of two grieving parents
His call for China to interfere in the 2020 election
His plans for an alligator- and snake-infested wall
His exploding promise to not cash in on his resorts
The classified and tactical post-raid intel he spilled
His "genius" that John Kelly was unequipped to handle
The church massacre video his supporters showed at his resort
With the impeachment inquiry boring through what's left of the dotard's brain, god only knows what next month's list will look like. Hopefully it'll only be half a dozen items long, followed by a simple "Closed due to resignation." Hey…a girl can dream.
Have a spooktacular Halloween. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
“Unprecedented”: CNN panel blasts Bill in Portland Maine for whining about Biden in Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool interview
—Raw Story
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