From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
The Week Ahead
Monday Jim Jordan, Matt Gaetz and Devin Nunes all wake up and start their week the same way: wondering why their mama never hugged them.
In a dazzling display of astronomical derring-do that is now underway and lasts until 1pm EST, Mercury's path crosses the face of the sun. "Gee, we should probably stop the president from staring directly at it, like he did the eclipse," says no one.
Tuesday The White House releases the summary of a second call between Trump and the president of Ukraine, this one three months before his damning July 25th call. Experts doubt its authenticity when the entire conversation consists of Trump saying, "Whatever I say on July 25th, it's all just a joke, you hear me, future people? I'm just joking," followed by a voice sounding eerily like Stephen Miller responding, "Jawohl, mein liebchen."
Star Wars tries its hand at live-action TV when The Mandalorian debuts on the Mouse House's new premium channel. Figures—just when I have to go to Mos Eisly and pick up some power converters.
Wednesday Boom!!!
Thursday Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell speaks on the health of the economy in front of the House Budget Committee. Prognosis: critically-elevated levels of greed caused by chronic billionairitis. Still no cure in sight.
Friday Following Bill Taylor and George Kent's Wednesday testimony, public impeachment hearings continue with fired U.S. Ambassador to Ukraine Marie Yovanovitch. Beads of sweat form on the foreheads of the White House legal team when she sits down and the first thing she does is knock back a shot and crack her knuckles.
Today is America Recycles Day. To show how dedicated I am to the cause, I copied and pasted that sentence from last year.
Saddle up. Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold...[Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, November 11, 2019
Note: Due to the Veterans Day holiday, there is no bus service today. However, volunteers from the American Legion will be available to fire you out of a cannon to within a hundred yards of your destination. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the next Democratic candidates debate (in Georgia): 9
Days 'til the International Pickle Festival in Rosendale, New York: 13
Pages of closed-door impeachment inquiry testimony released so far: 2,677
Approval rating of Sens. Elizabeth Warren and Ed Markey, respectively, among registered Massachusetts voters according to a new Western New England University poll: 53%, 49%
Busiest online shopping day of the year, aka Singles Day: 11/11/19
Years Sesame Street has been on the air as of yesterday: 50
Number of steps on the stoop of 123 Sesame Street: 6
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Puppy Pic of the Day: veteran dogs put their stamp on Veterans’ Day
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CHEERS to our men and women in uniform. Today is Veterans Day. The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan (not to mention Syria, where we're still defending our most precious allies—no, not the Kurds, silly, the oil fields) have burned into this generation's brain the fact that military service is a grueling, unpredictable and uncompromising challenge that often means paying a heavy and unexpected price in the pursuit of politician-selected goals that are not always noble or necessary. The military is where we go to become trained killers-of-bad-people and destroyer-of-bad-things in defense of our country, while at the same time serving as de facto U.S. ambassadors when we're on foreign turf. And while we could go on and on about how our armed forces have been kicking ass for over 243 years—and, again, how jaw-droppingly frightening it is that a celebrity TV star who’s afraid of a few raindrops is commanding our Armed Forces—we'll leave it, as always, at a simple…
CHEERS to off-year election mania!!! I'm not sure there's been anything as consequential as this during what was supposed to be a "quiet year" at the polls, but it's a doozy: with the entire government apparatus in Democratic hands down Virginia-way, the state can now be the last one necessary to ratify the Equal Rights Amendment. And while Vox's Ian Millhiser explains that it's not a sure bet that wiping away the now-expired 1982 deadline provision will work, an influential House committee chairman is already working on wiping that slate clean:
House Judiciary Chairman Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) announced that the House Judiciary Committee would be marking up H.J.Res. 79 to eliminate the ratification deadline for the Equal Rights Amendment (ERA). The markup, scheduled for Wednesday, November 13th, represents the next step to clear the path for ratifying the ERA and enshrining equality for both sexes into the U.S. Constitution.
"The ERA would affirm and strengthen the rights of women in our Constitution," said Chairman Nadler. "Congress created this deadline and, it is clear, Congress has every authority to remove it now. After decades of work by tireless advocates, it is time for Congress to act and clear the way for Virginia, or any other state, to finally ratify the ERA and for discrimination on the basis of sex to be forever barred by the Constitution."
And there's even positive action on the Senate side:
"There’s absolutely no reason to put a time-limit on the ability for that to happen," said Senator Lisa Murkowski (R-AK). "Congress can and should amend the language to remove the deadline for ratification to ensure gender-based equality is not only supported across the U.S., but also legally recognized. I will continue my efforts, alongside Senator [Ben] Cardin and so many of my colleagues, to ensure the Equal Rights Amendment is finally added to the Constitution."
I'm not even sure Moscow Mitch McConnell will prevent this from coming to the floor. Not unless he wants his wife to kick him off his warm rock and make him sleep on the couch. Turtles hate couches. Slip between the cushions and you're done for.
P.S. As if to underscore the tectonic shift in Virginia, this:
Vive le matriarchy.
CHEERS to stuffing another hat in a ring so crowded it's close to snapping like the corset I was wearing last week that suddenly flew across the room and knocked our precious Munch (his lesser-known "The Belch") off the wall. Sensing that the current roster of 762 (down from 938, so that's good) candidates in the Democratic primary just didn’t offer enough variety, another caped crusader entered the 2020 race late last week. Let's checkout the vitals of this late "Bloom"-er:
Michael Rubens Bloomberg (D-NY)
Hails from: Brighton Massachusetts (birthplace). In New York since the early 70s.
Age on inauguration day 2021: 1 month shy of his 79th birthday
Primary campaign theme: "Mike Bloomberg"
Education: BS from Johns Hopkins University, MBA from Harvard.
Official website: Mikebloomberg.com
Strengths: Secured the endorsement of Judge Judy—who says she's only met him once, a decade ago—via a USA Today op-ed and appearance last Friday on Real Time with Bill Maher; strong philanthropist; decent on climate change and immigration; won’t lack for campaign funds; mayor of New York City; Eagle Scout.
Weaknesses: Party affiliation evolution runs as follows: Democrat, Republican, Independent, Democrat; nobody knows how he'll govern or where he really stands on the issues; lives under the delusion that he can get along with Republicans; expanded the racist stop-and-frisk policy; one of the boneheads who said we had to invade Iraq because of the attacks of 9/11, which had nothing to do with Iraq; jury-rigged the rules so he could run for a third term as mayor; carries that weirdo vibe that billionaires have when they realize they have it all but it still ain’t enough...y’know, deep down inside.
Baby-kissing ability, based on latest reviews on Toddler Yelp: 4.3/10 (too much slobber, and breath smells like Rolaids)
He joins Kamala, Cory, Joe, Pete, Wayne, Michael, Elizabeth, Bernie, Tulsi, Julian, John, Andrew, Marianne, Tom, Amy, Steve, and Joe #2 in their quest to be the lucky duck who has the honor of chasing the Trump crime syndicate out of Washington. We wish him and his supporter good luck.
P.S. RIP, Buttigieg campaign...
But he’ll make a great Secretary of something-or-other for President Williamson.
CHEERS to free choice. 226 years ago this week, France ended the forced worship of God. God immediately responded by renaming two of his cafeteria dishes in Heaven "freedom fries" and "freedom toast." Snowflake.
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man. Over at NBC News, Justin Gellerson asks: Could Trump's reelection go up in a puff of smoke?
Yes.
Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
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CHEERS and "Alki!" to the Evergreen State. Washington was admitted as our 42nd state on November 11, 1889. It's a very cool state—pot has been legal for a long time, the government is Big D, and Seattle is like the upper-left thumbtack that keeps our country's map from curling up towards the red states in the middle. To mark the occasion, some people might enjoy biting into a nice juicy Washington apple. Here, help yourself…
Personally, I prefer to drink mine. Mainly because noshing on healthy food gives my liver a false sense of hope.
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Ten years ago in C&J: November 11, 2009
JEERS to stupid messages delivered stupidly by a stupid messenger. Ah, the wisdom of the compassionate Texas Republican. Last year it was Phil Gramm calling Americans stung by the recession "whiners." This year it's Dick Armey calling people with pre-existing conditions "pigs." This points to a larger truth, and you should remember this every time a Republican or teabagger opens his or her mouth to complain about something: everything they whine and cry about—whether it's health care or deficits or whatever—they had a chance to fix when they were in power. But they didn’t. They just sat around doling out taxpayer cash to their cronies' corporations, passing laws that amounted to thin swill, and suckling off the teat of their corporate cronies. It is his behavior, not ours, that more closely mimics the species swinus americanus magnus. Oink Oink yourself, pal.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to U.S. Mint'y freshness. The new America the Beautiful state quarter is here! The new America the Beautiful state quarter is here!!! The latest in the series (and the last of 2019), which celebrates our national historic sites, was released last week in Salmon, Idaho. This one represents the state’s 's Frank Church-River of No Return Wilderness, aka "The Frank":
The Frank Church-River of No Return Wilderness encompasses more than 2.3 million acres, is the largest single contiguous wilderness in the conterminous States and encompasses four national forests.
The name of the wilderness has two roots. “The River of No Return” component derives from when boats could navigate down the Main Salmon River but not back upstream because of fast water and numerous rapids.
“Frank Church” was attached to the site’s name in honor of late U.S. Senator Frank Church, who played a leading role in its preservation."
The reverse (tails) design depicts a piloted drift boat on the rushing river encompassed by the trees and rock formations of the wilderness.
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Watch the process of creating the quarter here with designers Emily Damstra and Renata Gordon. That's right, all you misogynists out there—now women are even taking over the U.S.Mint. Does that give you sadz? Well, here’s a quarter—[Flip!]—call someone who cares.
P.S. If you’re one of our millions of younger C&J readers and you’re wondering why you’d need a quarter to make a phone call, ask your parents.
P.P.S. If you’re a parent of one of our millions of younger C&J readers and they’ve just asked you why they’d need a quarter to make a phone call, ask their grandparents.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
“Cheers and Jeers is like showing up at the nursing home at daybreak to find your elderly uncle splashing pantsless in a kiddie pool and cursing loudly about the cafeteria food, as worried attendants tried to catch him. You’re stunned, amused, and embarrassed all at the same time."
—Anonymous
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