From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: Sing A Song of Sondland Edition
"Today was day four of the impeachment hearings. Today we heard testimony from Ambassador Gordon Sondland, who directly implicated Trump in the Ukraine scandal. You could tell it was bad for Trump because he did something he never does: he turned off the TV."
—Jimmy Fallon
Clip of Gordon Sondland testimony: Everyone was in the loop.
Jimmy Kimmel: Everyone was in the loop—the president, the vice president, Secretary of State, Chief of Staff, Rick Perry, John Bolton. And today they all went under the bus. So many guys went under the bus that there wasn't even room for all of them under there. They had to go under in shifts. Poor Mike Pence—the one time they let him in the loop it's a federal crime."
—Jimmy Kimmel Live
"Gordon Sondland is such a delightful dirtbag idiot that it's easy to lose sight of what he did today. He's a firsthand witness to this conspiracy, and he confirms that the president, the vice president, the chief-of-staff, and the Secretary of State all knew about it. And I, for one, am grateful for this patriotic American, and I can't wait for his future reality show: Who Wants to Get Screwed by a Millionaire?"
—Samantha Bee
"President Trump addressed Sondland's testimony saying, 'I don’t know him very well. I have not spoken to him much. This is not a man I know well. He seems like a nice guy, though.' Even worse, he stole that statement line-for-line from the speech he gave at Eric's wedding."
—Seth Meyers
"[Republicans'] defense of the president is: ‘Stop picking on the poor guy!’ Poor Donald Trump: he was born rich, he doesn't pay taxes, he dodged the draft, and he got to be president in an election he lost. When is he gonna catch a break?"
—Bill Maher
And…
"Thank you to the Anti-Defamation League for this recognition, and your work in fighting racism, hate, and bigotry. And to be clear: when I say racism, hate, and bigotry, I'm not referring to the names of Stephen Miller's labradoodles."
—Sasha Baron Cohen, accepting his International Leadership Award at the ADL's 2019 Never Is Now summit
Come on down and splash. If your name is Adam Schiff, drinks are on the house. Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, November 22, 2019
Note: The gentleman will suspend… [Bam!] The gentleman will suspend… [Bam!] The gentleman is not recognized… [Bam!] The gentleman is not recognized… [Bam!] God, this is fun. No wonder Adam Schiff looks so giddy up there with that gavel. I could do this all day! The gentleman is not recognized… [Bam!] The gentleman will suspend… [Bam!] The ranking minority leader will put an egg salad sandwich down his pants… [Bam!]
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til 2020: 40
Days 'til the Winter Oregon Scream Week Horror Film Festival in Portland: 14
Percent of black voters who say the environment and climate change are critical issues, according to a new PPP poll: 83%
Number of times Pete Buttigieg’s Rhodes scholarship has been mentioned in U.S. publications this year, according to HuffPost: 596
Number of times Cory Booker's Rhodes scholarship has been mentioned: 79
Percent chance Burger King is running out of its “zesty onion sauce” because of a weather-related horseradish shortage: 100%
Percent of Americans who will have pumpkin or sweet potato pie on Thanksgiving, according to WalletHub: 62%
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Puppy Pic of the Day: C&J's rescue lab-mix Haley poses (barely) for her annual fall portrait…
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CHEERS to Hill on the Hill. Seriously, how many times do we get to write that, Hill on the Hill? A Hill—Fiona Hill—was testifying yesterday in front of the House impeachment hearings—which is located on Capitol "Hill"—stick with me—and during the hearings she gave testimony that amounted to way more than a "hill" of beans—and, unlike Jack's Jill, Hill didn't come “tumbling down the hill," she stood up, stared down the GOP “fools on The Hill," and, in a display “as old as the hills"—don’t worry, I'm almost out of hill references, so this is almost over—she stared down the evil Republicans and spoke truth to corrupt power so completely that they “ran for the hills," and now America, brimming with respect for the former official most of us met for the first time yesterday, loves her so much that we’ll never “get over the Hill,” aka our new “Queen of the Hill." And with the end of the impeachment process in sight, it's “all down hill" from here. The end. And I'm sorry.
P.S. Think the impeachment hearings are all done? Maybe not:
He’s currently in big trouble legally. So I can’t wait to see what kind of dirt he “Lev-erages” to “Lev-el” the playing field. Somebody stop me.
JEERS to the dick in the dock. Well, the big right-wing bloviator finally stepped in it, and not even near-lockstep approval from his party and his fervent followers could save his ass. Of course, we knew this was coming—the evidence was too strong, no matter how much smoke he and his sycophants tried to blow up everyone's tuchus, or how many times he bellowed, without evidence, "It's a coup!" or "Witch hunt!" And now most people are saying he should just take his cheap suits, lavish lifestyle, dictator fantasies, and weird combover and resign so he can face justice without embarrassing the rest of the nation. Sadly, it's not Trump, but close enough…
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has been indicted on charges of bribery, fraud and breach of trust, Attorney General Avichai Mandelblit announced Thursday, prolonging the country’s political uncertainty as it looks set to head into its third national election in a year.
[He] faces up to 10 years in prison if convicted of bribery and a maximum 3-year term for fraud and breach of trust, according to legal experts.
Been saving this up for a lotta years, and it's nice to finally be able to pull it out of the storage unit and dust it off: Netanyahooooo!!!
CHEERS to November 22. Lots of good things happened on this date in history: pirate Blackbeard's reign of terror ended when he was caught. (The government Terror Threat Alert Level was lowered from"Skull and Crossbones" to "Peg Leg and Pint of Grog"); Ravel's ravishing Bolero was performed for the first time; the Germans were surrounded at Stalingrad; Margaret Thatcher retired; Billy Jean King, Rodney Dangerfield, Hoagy Carmichael, Mark Ruffalo, Terry Gilliam and Jamie Lee Curtis were born; the Humane Society set up shop on behalf of pooties and woozles everywhere; Denver was founded; The Beatles released The White Album; steel-shaft golf clubs were patented; and Toy Story premiered. Nothing else happened on November 22, according to SelectiveAmnesiapedia. And y’know what? I'm inclined to go along with it.
JEERS to cutting it close. Mitch McConnell and his Republican do-nothing-but-confirm-shitty-judges colleagues in the Senate were sitting around yesterday practicing their Thursday thumb-up-their-butt exercises and musing about their upper-crust wining and dining options for the weekend, when they suddenly realized, “Holy mother of Ayn Rand, Batman, we're gonna run outta money in a few hours!”
As the "Thoop" sound from pulling their thumbs out of their butts at the same time echoed through the upper chamber, they assembled the entire body for the solemn and Herculean task of financing the mightiest nation on the entire planet—its health care, its military, its infrastructure, its diplomatic corps, its space program, in all their massive and mindblowing complexity—for 720 more hours. And as Democrats went off to resume working on behalf of the American people, the Republicans stuck their thumbs back where the sun don’t shine and resumed their upper-crust musings. The republic was saved. And in case you missed their dazzling display of fiduciary fireworks yesterday, fair citizen, stick around. They'll do it again next month. And you will be grateful.
JEERS to...hic!...#29. On November 23, 1921, President Warren Harding lost my vote by signing the Willis-Campell Act, which clamped down on doctors who prescribed beer or liquor for medicinal purposes. That's why today C&J does all of its own self-diagnosing. The last couple of weeks have been especially touch-and-go. We went through an entire prescription pad while suffering from an acute case of Devin Nunes Televised Opening Comments Syndrome, and now we’re suffering from a severe case of Adam Schiff Televised Closing Comments Deficiency. Thank god when I asked my inner Dr. Billy, he told me that, yes, Bacardi 151 was right for me. And then I tossed myself a lime to prevent scurvy. Can’t wait ‘til I get to try my hand at self-open-heart surgery—forty more payments and that chainsaw in the window is all mine.
CHEERS to home vegetation. After watching 894 hours of impeachment hearings this week, I may opt to decompress in my Nothingness-2000 sensory deprivation tank instead of in front of the boob tube this weekend. But first I gotta catch up on the Friday news dump with Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow on MSNBC. Olivia Coleman and Chadwick Boseman are on The Graham Norton Show (BBC America) at 11.
The new home video releases offer nothing I'm interested in, but you can check out the list here. The NBA schedule is here, the NFL schedule is here (the 9-1 Patriots will rope 'n ride the 6-4 Cowboys like a show mule Ha Ha Ha!!!), and the NHL schedule is here. Will Ferrell goes back home to SNL tomorrow night. (I hope there's enough cowbell.) On 60 Minutes: an update on Russia's cyber warfare during the 2016 election, how medical science is being honed to look inside your thoughts, and a report on refugees dying as they try to seek asylum in America. The American Music Awards are Sunday night at 8 on ABC, and as usual I'll be rooting for John Philip Sousa. The Simpsons play off their notorious Treehouse of Horror specials with the Thanksgiving of Horror, and Peter gets himself arrested so he doesn't have to attend Thanksgiving dinner with the family on Family Guy. Sunday at 9 on CNN, Jake tapper hosts a one-hour special on Trump’s incessant bullshit: “All the President’s Lies.” And if you’re a fan of John Oliver’s Last Week Tonight, sorry to break it to ya but his season finale was last week. On the bright side, that means an extra 30 minutes in the ol’ Nothingness-2000.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: TBA
CNN's State of the Union: House impeachment committee chairman Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA); Rep. Lee Zeldin (R-NY); former Governor Jennifer Granholm (D-MI).
This Week: TBA
Face the Nation: Sen. Chris Coons (D-DE); Rep. Jim Himes (D-CT); a gaggle of opiners and analysts.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: House impeachment committee member Rep. Eric Swalwell (D-CA).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: November 22, 2009
JEERS to off-the-charts paranoia. There were audible gasps on this blog yesterday when a new poll showed that a plurality of Republicans think the 2008 election was stolen by ACORN. Which shows how "nuts" they are (Ha Ha Ha) because that means they still have no idea who really stole it. But I'll be nice and give 'em a hint: it rhymes with "orange." (That oughtta keep 'em busy for awhile...)
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And just one more…
CHEERS to sweet sounds. The Grammy nominations were announced yesterday and you can check out the full list here. I always go to the Spoken Word category first, because there's a good chance it'll have a Clinton or an Obama or a Carter on it. And this year…there is!
Beastie Boys Book
Beastie Boys
Becoming
Michelle Obama
I.V. Catatonia: 20 Years As A Two-Time Cancer Survivor
Eric Alexandrakis
Mr. Know-It-All
John Waters
Sekou Andrews & The String Theory
Sekou Andrews & The String Theory
Taylor Swift, Adele and Beyonce got their usual 150 nominations each, and my all-time favorite composer, John Williams, got his 70th and 71st nod. Other notables on the Grammy list: Elvis Costello, Willie Nelson, Sara Bareilles, Randy Newman, Chick Corea, and Dolly Parton. The awards are January 26th. And those kids better keep the noise down or I'm calling the police.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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