"Someday, and that day may never come, I will call upon you to do a service for me."
— The Godfather
Zelenskyy & Trump Phone Call #2 notes July 25, 2019
With some commentary and interpretive dance.
See full phone call summary at: www.cnn.com/…
DJT: Congratulations... The way you came from behind, somebody who wasn't given much of a chance, and you ended up winning easily. It's a fantastic achievement. Congratulations.
Prez Dunce thought cloud: Just like I did, with a Ukrainian accent.
Z: You are absolutely right Mr. President... We used quite a few of your skills and knowledge and were able to use it as an example for our elections…we want to have a new format and a new type of government. You are a great teacher for us and in that.
Pres Z thought cloud: They said praise Trump early and often. Nothing is too obvious for this man.
DJT: Well it is very nice of you to say that... Germany does almost nothing for you... Angela Merkel [...] talks Ukraine, but she ·doesn't do anything... United States has been very, very good to Ukraine. I wouldn't say that it's reciprocal necessarily, because things are happening that are not good, but the United States has been very very good to Ukraine.
Prez Dunce: Good, another chance to bash smart women like Merkel, when I’m safe and she can’t hear me.
Note to self— don’t sound to Godfathery when you say “We have been very good to you. You have not been so good to us.”
Z: Yes, you are absolutely right. Not only 100%, but actually 1000%... They are not working as much as they should work for Ukraine ... We are ready to continue to cooperate for the next steps, specifically we are almost ready to buy more Javelins from the United States for defense purposes.
Pres Z: Just nod and agree. Nod and agree. Also if you give us the $400,000 million, we will buy your big American weapons, because we are in a war here.
DJT: I would like you to do us a favor though because our country has been through a lot and Ukraine knows a lot about it...they say Crowdstrike...The server, they say Ukraine has it...very poor performance by a man named Robert Mueller...
Pres Z: Did he say “Do us a favor though?” Did he really say that? And everyone thinks my country is corrupt?
What is Crowdstrike? What server is he talking about? Who the hell is Robert Mueller? What does this have to do with fighting the Russian army? Why do I have to keep talking to Giuliani?
Don’t panic. Stay vague. Pretend in this script that you are old friends with a personal relationship.
Z: Yes, it is very important for me and everything that you just mentioned earlier...I would also like and hope to see him, having your trust and your confidence, and have personal relations with you so we can cooperate even more so...I just wanted to assure you once again that you have nobody but friends around us. I will make sure that I surround myself with the best and most experienced people. I also wanted to tell you that we are friends...
DJT: Good because I heard you had a prosecutor who was very good and he was shut down and that's really unfair. A lot of people are talking about that, the way they shut your very good prosecutor down and you had some very bad people involved… Giuliani …I would like him to call you.
Pres Z: IMG. I have fallen through the looking glass. He thinks the corrupt prosecutor was the “good guy”, and the people who got him fired were “bad guys”? Where the hell do I good with this?? Oh, [expletive thought deleted].
Prez Dunce: Keep it smooth here, so he doesn’t catch the “quid pro quo”.
DJT: There's a lot of talk about Biden's son, that Biden stopped the prosecution and a lot of people want to find out about that so whatever you can do with the Attorney General would be great. Biden went around bragging that he stopped the prosecution so if you can look into it... It sounds horrible to me.
Pres Z: Sounds horrible to me, too. That’s a f***ing quid pro quo, you moron. This is a nightmare.
Why does this sound exactly like something the corrupt President I just defeated would love to do?
Stay cool, vague, general, indefinite.
Z: ...Since we have won the absolute majority in our Parliament, the next prosecutor general will be 100% my person, my candidate, who will be approved, by the parliament and will start as a new prosecutor in September. He or she will look into the situation, specifically to the company that you mentioned in this issue. The issue of the investigation of the case is actually the issue of making sure to restore the honesty so we will take care of that and will work on the investigation of the case...
Pres. Z: What’s a “buy” I can live with? So my country can “be good” to him?
Z: … Actually last time I traveled to the United States, I stayed in New York near Central Park and I stayed at the Trump Tower… As to the economy, there is much potential for our two countries… We are buying American oil but I am very hopeful for a future meeting…
DJT: Good. Well, thank you very much and I appreciate that. I will tell Rudy and Attorney General Barr to call… Congratulations on a fantastic job you've done. The whole world was watching. I'm not sure it was so much of an upset, but congratulations.
Prez Dunce: Now that I took back my initial compliment, I’ll put a hold on the $400,000. That’ll get his attention. No need to be too obvious. He's a smart guy. He’ll figure it out.
Pres Z: And Americans think WE are corrupt?! Seriously?!
Is that guy for real? Biden? Was that the pot calling the kettle black or what?
Well, what’s the worst that can happen, right?
For Bonus Points—