Hello and thanks for stopping to read my diary. It's time (definetly time) for one. May joy and feast be yours this Winter Solstice which heralds the near death of CE 2019. Thank Baal for great favors. 2019 has been a year of outrage, tumult, correction, and nervous laughter (but mostly outrage) from which our Oligarch has commanded most of our attention. Scary times for a nation that once sported No Fear shirts. I'd like to get drunk Butt A Judge doesn't rest on his laurels. It's now time to don my tye-dye armor and elect a democrat who can spank Goldfinger. Before doing that, though, I thought I'd rip-off Dave Barry and sum up this fiasco of a year.
2019 began and will end on a Tuesday. That means nothing but it's a fun fact. I like fun facts and cite them often so feel free to roll your eyes. Nancy Pelosi became Speaker of OUR House during a government shutdown. We saw shootings in a CA bowling alley (no Dude's died so that proves Dudeism), LA (which has too many Louisianans anyway), and a Floridian bank. Teacher's in L.A. were on strike but that had nothing to do with the bowling alley. They would ultimately be victorious so SoCal kids are now much smarter.
In February the longest-serving member of Congress, Rep John Dingell, died at the age of 92. He would be resurrected in December by war-Veteran hating Agent Orange because of Debbie Dingell's vote to impeach his orange a$$. Not to be outdone by CA, Denver teachers held a strike of their own and Illinois had a shooting. Godlfinger declared a National Emergency to build his big, beautiful, wall and The Patriots won their annual Super Bowl. Most Americans were outraged but Tom Brady took that as a signal he should play yet another year.
March was fairly quiet with Goldfinger's first veto (which was sustained) and the discovery that wealthy mothers cheated to get their slacking kids into college. Imagine that. The news outraged everyone except other wealthy mothers. Mueller also finished his report and we got to see a few unredacted lines from what he found. Despite explicitly saying that it didn't exonerate Agent Orange from collusion with Moscow the concern was shelved because Agent Orange told us he was exonerated. The report would be resurrected in December when it got brief mention at Impeachment Hearings. Mueller retained his honorable service by saying nothing about them.
In April a foolish 18-year-old woman flew to Colorado from Florida and bought a shotgun. A manhunt ensued once it was revealed that she was obsessed with the Columbine massacre (about to have its 20th anniversary). Hundreds of Colorado schools closed or went on lockdown as the manhunt continued but, later that night, the woman was found dead of a self-inflicted gunshot wound. It turned out she was just another Floridian nutcase. More shootings occured at a CA Synogogue and in rural Tennessee. LA captured an arsonist.
Then along came May and we got shootings in VA, NC, CO, and an attempted one in OR. Denver responded by legalizing 'shrooms. Nashville and OR teachers went on strike amid the school shootings and Goldfinger declared another National Emergency over IT threats (he thought they reffered to him being a scary clown).
In June that bastion of sanity, CA, had another shooting when a Costco shopper was denied a second free sample of humus. IN had enough of being excluded from the gun fun so had their own shooting. Violence erupted in Portland over outrage at a protest. Think about that. CO announced that Columbine might be torn down since it had not kept pace with school shootings. A crane fell on an apartment complex in CA and was charged exorbatant move-in fees.
July saw two mall shootings (N.C. and N. CA), another mall got blasted in FL, and two festival shootings for Gilroy, CA, and Brooklyn. It was summer, after all. LA also had a shooting spree because they don't like being left out of these things. NY had a power outage after which people bought T-Shirts proclaiming they had been in the dark. Goldfinger's Wall got funded to keep out those violent Mexicans.
August was a busy month for heat. Shootings occured in El Paso, TX (prompting Beto to stop campaigning) and Dayton, OH, a lucky 13 hours later. At the end of August we got shootings in AL and West TX, again. Beto responded by dropping out. Philly, PA, got into the spirit with a shooting of their own and sensible SoCal replied to the NRA's argument about guns with a stabbing spree on 8/8. Not much else happened except a measles outbreak and the first vaping death. Jeffrey Epstein may, or may not have, killed himself in prison butt there was much rejoicing either way.
September began with two shootings in Wa D.C., making up for their slacking, and one in S.C.
Immediate bans on vaping went into effect. A boat caught fire while anchored off-shore in regulated CA that, fortunately, did not effect any off-shore oil platforms. Goldfinger used the relative calm of gun violence to call the new Ukranian President and ask for a favor.
October Rocked with three explosions at a SoCal restaurant, which spells the month as Oktober, celebrating the beer Fest. A WWII Bomber met it's end in CT while trying to land and (speaking of WWII) Bernie landed a heart attack. Chicago teachers had enough of being ignored and went on strike. Shootings occured in a K.C. bar, another in Brooklyn, another for Philly, another for TX and another for SoCal. Democratic CA banned fur products in response. Simone Biles brought smiles by winning her 21st Gold Medal, breaking the record for women's Gold Medals.
Football shootings kicked off November in Fresno, CA, and N.J. while another shooting occured in gun sensible Santa Clarita, CA. Sadly, Tom Brady was not the cause. On the sixteenth five people were arrested in connection with a CA Airbnb shooting that occurred Halloween night (they needed a body for the porch). Striking Chicago teachers went back to work while the Keystone Pipeline struck a leak. Vaping related deaths continued to smolder parent's nerves. OUR House began to probe impeachment of Goldfinger. That would bring US into December when...
Agent Orange was finally Impeached on two Articles. Abuse of Power and Obstruction of Congress. So far, the only shootings have been in New Orleans and Jersey City but I'm sure eggnog infused USAmericans will try harder over the merry holidays. On December second a plane carrying a family of hunters crashed in South Dakota. Nine family members died and local animals celebrated (it was revealed that the pilot was cleared to fly even with limited visibility). Three more died on December third when a pilot in San Antonio hoped an emergency landing would address their problem. So much for hopes and Texan prayers.
The messages are clear, America. Stay out of small planes and CA, TX, LA, or Philly. It might also be good to avoid N.J. and CO although those are also happening places. Feeling lucky? Have a safe and happy end to 2019. My call for 2020 is perfect.