There will be some politics (below) but mainly it is a personal diary to share with my DKos family.
This morning I woke up, made coffee, got dressed. I put on a hat and sweater and shoes and opened up the door to my very tiny 2’x3’ balcony and stood outside to watch the sun rise, allow my cat Stella to drink from the rainwater collected in the past two days, and listen to the crows as they woke up and greeted each other.
It’s Christmas day, and while I usually don’t really celebrate (too far from family most years, and while I mail cards and a few gifts to my brother and god son I have not been with family for Christmas since 2011), I wanted to reflect a little on the year as it comes to a close. Standing in the cold air helped a bit.
This year started off with a Christmas and New Year dog sitting gig my favourite doggo here, Gypsy, and I was glad to spend time with her over this year, as she passed away on Oct 31. Her mom and I are close friends and her mom spent time caring for me on Oct 30, my first chemo fro breast cancer. Damn I miss Gypsy. I knew her since she moved her in 2012 with her mom (another American).
In January and February I was interviewing for jobs as I just moved back from the UK after getting my MSc. One interview, I actually got up and walked out of. The woman was really rude and actually raised her voice at one point — “Why would you want to work here? Why did you not try to work in the environmental division?” — that is when I stood up and said that I appreciated the mission of the group but that I was looking for a place with more stable management, got up, took my coat, thanked her and her very odd admin, and left. Then sent a note to the recruiter that, nope, I needed to withdraw any application I had with them. Yikes. Interviewing is difficult in most cases and having had 2 very difficult experiences in the past 11 years, I have learned how to spot nuttiness, for the most part, early and to avoid it. Trusting my gut, that is something I have also come to be thankful for this year.
I had elected to return to university at age 48, you see, because I had burned out and was physically ill and needed a period to step back, study something I loved and not think about work for a while. I was fortunate to have had the means to do so.
So, when I returned to this town, where I have lived since leaving the USA in 2008, I wanted to see if I could find work doing something related to my MSc, or if not, at least find something interesting with an interesting team. I ended up in an org with a one year contract that will end in a few months. My teammates are interesting, many are great and genuinely kind people, and I had a chance to learn a lot in the past few months.
I returned here knowing that a close friend was dying of breast cancer and over the 18 months I was gone we talked regularly and texted. I said goodbye to her in August and have become closer to some of our group of friends and to her widower since then. But that was a big blow this year. Mainly because in June, I noticed the lump.
I should have gotten a mammogram and been checked then. But I was in denial and work was very demanding (a lot of work for a small team and a lot of ‘why can’t you read my mind’ from a manager that is not very strategic or clear on needs and changed their mind on a monthly basis about things).
When I finally got the ‘you’ve got breast cancer’ life-changing news in late September, I was not surprised. A bit annoyed that I did not get checked sooner. But I knew this would change my life and any plans I may have had for the near future.
As I reflect now on what changed I can say that mostly it has been for the good, even if there are scary days and nights.
First and foremost over this year, I am learning that there are people you can count on who are empathetic and step up. Others, not so much. Boundaries: I am learning to set a lot of boundaries. I am standing up for my rights at work and standing up for myself with bureaucracy and minor annoying things that I have no patience for any longer. Leaving the job interview I mentioned above was a step, sure, but now in the past few months I have become more of an advocate, like BFSkinner mentioned in his diary, for myself in the hospital, with clueless HR people, against insurance firms (globally I think insurance firms suck), and with people that don’t seem to give a crap about anyone outside of themselves.
Secondly, as I was reflecting today on the balcony, I am ready for a change. It is a scary thing, change. Especially when one is only 1/3 way thru treatments for cancer. I will get through the treatments and surgery and such in the coming months. This I know. What I don’t know is how I will begin to manifest the change I desire.
I want to live closer to nature. I’d prefer to live by the sea or an ocean. Not sure if that will be possible but I have started to think about ways to do so. Jobs and steady paychecks are difficult to come by in places I would like to live — not to mention things like permits and Schengen visas and such.
When a project manager who has planned everything most of her life is told that, ‘Yes you have cancer but it is just a bump in the road and you are young’ (I am 50)...but, ‘the next few months mean treatments and not feeling well, and losing your hair and chemical menopause, and a lot of healing time, chemicals, and surgery etc.’ so … ‘don’t make any plans’...it gives one time to think about what really matters and what I am grateful for.
Thirdly, I am learning to be kinder to myself and acknowledge how fortunate I am and have been.
I am grateful to have caught the cancer early and to have good doctors.
I am grateful for medical leave and insurance coverage that mostly works, and for the ability to ask for help for some of my bills from a local government-funded and donation-funded charity. I am grateful for close friends who have texted, chatted, and helped me navigate some challenges related to being ill.
I am grateful for DailyKos and all of you. I have not told most of my family — only a few cousins and my brother and a few friends here and there. Mostly because I don’t want to worry them, and also because some of my family have boundary issues.
I am grateful for my counsellor here. She is from NOLA and she is great.
I am grateful to friends who have sent hats and to one friend whose sister knitted me one, too, though I don’t know her sister.
I am grateful for the glass worry stone sent by a friend, that I plan to chuck into the sea in a few months.
I am grateful to the crows who are loud and chatty and funny to watch each day and to the pair of jays who are very loud, too.
I am grateful for the kindness of strangers like Omar the hair stylist who cut off all my hair as I planned to not have 2-foot long clumps coming out in the shower.
I am grateful for some really close friends here and around the globe for their support.
Looking back on the whole year, I am extremely grateful I had the ability to travel to a friend’s wedding in Central Africa and even though my visit was a short trip, I loved meeting her friends, family and groom and listening at night to the enormously musical night bugs and birds.
I am grateful I was able to go to Italy twice this year, to Prague, and to a yak farm in central Switzerland. I will not be able to travel now for several months due to financial- and health-related reasons, but honestly … I really dislike turbulence and am struggling with the climate change issues related to flying and reconsidering ever flying again. Which I may have to do. Not sure I can find a boat like Greta did, but I would love that!
I am grateful my body is strong enough to manage the chemo with some effects but nothing too horrible. Yes I had to stop thinking about my prejudices against things like steroids and such, and just know that these drug combos would kill the cancer cells. And they have, the tumour has shrunk so yay! Yeah, being bald is … odd. I am grateful for the bald men in my life who have given me tips on managing this state. And sometimes, I have nausea or pain. And yeah having chemically induced menopause has been … interesting and I do not like hot flashes.
I am grateful for Die Hard. Yippe-kie-yay-m*****f******.
I am grateful for Nancy Pelosi, Adam Schiff, Jerrold Nadler, AOC, Eric Swalwell, Daniel Goldman, Berry Berke, Sheldon Whitehouse, Larry Tribe, Rachel Maddow, and the dems who have been real leaders this year. I am hopeful that we may be able to get rid of that jackass 45 next year one way or another.
I am grateful for DKos when I have insomnia and hot flashes and want a distraction from feeling blergh.
With that, I have to say, it has been a challenging year. Too many other deaths (2 former colleagues, and 2 high school friends, plus several friends have lost pets). Too many times putting myself and my mental wellbeing second in situations that were not terribly healthy. I am learning to, and for that I am grateful.
All life transitions have difficult aspects, even those we’ve worked hard to manifest and especially the ones that take us by semi-surprise. We can only go forward — there’s no going back to what was. For that, I am also grateful. I am scared. But I am willing to do what I need to do to make my life better moving into 2020 even if it will be a slow transition.
“Breathe in, breathe out…. move on.” - Jimmy Buffett
What are you grateful for as we move to the end of 2019 and into 2020? Please share in the comments.
And if you are over 45 (I think that is the age now?), and a woman … get a mammogram. Please. We have things to look forward to. Peace.