From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Cell Block Tango
Trump sure sounded scared last night, the way he whined that America can’t pass laws, wage peace, and conduct investigations at the same time. Golly, why would he fear investigations so much when he’s declared his innocence, like, a gazillion times? Here’s the best musical political satirist working today—Randy Rainbow—with a few clues:
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What’s the difference between Trump and a trapped rat? The fake tan.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, February 6, 2019
Note: This is a friendly reminder that February is officially designated Bird Feeding Month. Please remember to fill your bird feeders all the way to the top every day with a fine assortment of nuts and seeds. We…er, they, especially appreciate cashews and almonds. In fact, you can skip the seeds, actually. Nuts would be perfect. Thank you for your attention in this matter. In fact, you should go fill it right now. Thanks. ---The Squirrels
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the start of major league baseball spring training: 15
Days 'til the Hello Piggy Blue Ribbon Bacon Festival in Des Moines, Iowa: 10
Number of additional U.S. military troops being sent to the border to continue fueling Trump's border hoax hysteria: 3,750
Percent of U.S. adults in a new Monmouth University poll who believe Trump doesn't deserve a second term: 57%
Percent of adults in a CNN poll who believe the 2017 GOP tax cuts benefited the middle class more than the wealthy: 33%
Portion of Americans who know who Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is, according to the same CNN poll: 59%
Years Queen Elizabeth II has been on the throne as of today, stretching her monarchy endurance record by another revolution around the sun: 67
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 178 (including 5 nuclear nations and 2 minutes from Armageddon). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: An update on Milo, the puppy born with "upside down"paws…
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JEERS to starting out short and sweet. C&J has four subtle words for recalcitrant Virginia Governor Ralph “Shoe Polish Is So Hard To get Off” Moonwalker:
Get. The. Fuck. Out.
There. That should do it. I'm a very influential communicator.
JEERS to much ado about nothing. His pants didn’t fall around his ankles and he maintained a pulse during it, but otherwise President Trump’s second State of the Union speech was basically a great big…um…well, let me call out some of our best friends to sum up how the dotard’s ramblefest resonated in our household last night:
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I was impressed, though, that he made it through the whole thing without tossing any rolls of paper towel, throwing any kids in cages, or pausing to send a derogatory tweet. I figure he must’ve been chewing that special gum that reduces one’s cravings to act like a mean, narcissistic jerk in public: Dickorette.
P.S. And then, around 10:45, our new best bud Stacey popped in for a visit and we had a lovely time…
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She’s so much nicer than Uncle Grumpypants.
CHEERS to Massachusetts. The commonwealth and somewhat influential original 13-Colonies colony officially became the sixth member of our kooky union on February 6, 1788.
And once again I'd like to remind the right-wing knuckledraggers who bash the state for being a den of anything-goes liberalism that: a) the Salem witch trials were conducted by ultra-conservatives, b) the freedoms you guys have to speak your evolution-denyin', LGBT-hating, deep-state-conspiracy-deluded minds are largely the result of a bunch of Massachusetts types who shed their blood to make it possible, c) the state has one of the lowest divorce rates in the country, d) it's the home of Romneycare, the genesis of Obamacare, e) it's also the home of the most pro-Trump football team owner in America. But we'll concede that Bay Staters do act like fundies in one respect: they drive like they're late to Second Coming.
CHEERS to skywatching resumed. Thanks to the Trump shutdown, the Jet Propulsion Laboratory wasn't able to do a "What's Up" segment for January. But now that things are back to normal following the Pelosi Shutdown Shutdown, JPL can resume letting us know what kind of coolness resides in the night sky for February, now with new narrator Jennifer Corbilla filling the longtime vocal shoes of Jane Houston Jones:
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And all month long: keep your eyes peeled for a potentially planet-ending asteroid. God's not real thrilled with us at the moment.
CHEERS to totally reasonable requests. Independent presidential candidate and professional money hoarder Howard Schultz is upset, and all y'all commoners are to blame. It seems you're not using the pre-approved language the snuff-sniffing class would like you to use, and it's hurting his feelings. Specifically, he would like us to stop referring to him as a "billionaire." And I think that's a valid grievance. I suggest we start calling him a "twit." More accurate, fewer syllables.
CHEERS to the Gipper’s flickers. Today is Saint Ronald Reagan’s 108th birthday. He made some classic movies, including Kings Row, Knute Rockne: All American, The Killers (the 1964 version, in which he plays a real meanie), and Santa Fe Trail. Oh, and this:
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Other than that, I have no recollection of him. Well, except the tax-raising, deficit-ballooning, race-baiting, illegal-arms-trading, AIDS-ignoring, tan-suit-wearing and bowing-to-foreign-leaders part. (And after nearly four decades---[taps watch]---that trickle-down magic can start anytime now.)
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Ten years ago in C&J: February 6, 2009
CHEERS to speedy recoveries. Progressives got a punch to the gut yesterday when we learned that Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg underwent surgery for eff'ing pancreatic cancer. Normally the prognosis would be dire, but perhaps not in her case:
The reason for the optimism is that the tumor found in the center of Ginsburg's pancreas was only about 1 centimeter in length, according to a statement from Memorial Sloan Kettering Hospital in New York City, where surgeons performed the operation to remove it this morning.' A tumor of this size is about as small as is detectable by CT scan, said Dr. Paul Lin, a surgical oncologist specializing in pancreatic cancer at George Washington University Hospital in Washington, D.C. "She is much more fortunate than most patients who come in because of symptoms from their cancer," he said.
We read today that she intends to be back on the job in a few weeks. Good---no one kicks Scalia in the shins better than she does. [2/6/19 Update: ten years and a couple additional victories over cancer later, The Notorious RBG is still a kickass force on the Supreme Court...and a walking billboard for preventive screenings.]
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And just one more…
CHEERS to a "force" for good. I swear to god, Maine's new Democratic governor just keeps impressing me more and more with each passing day. She expanded Medicaid on day one. She's taking a comprehensive, evidence-based approach to the opioid crisis and climate change. She's surrounding herself with competent, proven experts (mostly women) in her administration. And now we find out, via an essay her niece wrote for Maine Women Magazine, that Janet Mills is totally comfortable hanging out with weirdos like me…which is to say, Star Wars geeks!!!
Many people assume that my aunt, as a lawyer and a grandmother, must be out of touch with pop culture.They haven’t seen her at a ”Star Wars” premiere. This is my favorite movie series so my mom has gotten us tickets to the opening night shows of three out of the four most recent “Star Wars” films. Janet has been to each of them with me. (Thank you again, Auntie, for telling me that seeing “Solo” in the middle of final exams was a bad idea.) We line up outside the theater, then I’ll rush in, usually in full costume, while Janet follows, twirling the lightsaber I’ve made her hold while I get our seats.
She knows her “Star Wars”history, even if she isn’t quite the nerd that my brother and I are. (Janet is more of a “Wonder Woman” type, while my mother is solidly a “Doctor Zhivago”fan.) After “The Force Awakens,” my mother, who doesn’t really like “Star Wars,”asked us all on the car ride home, “Why did Darth Vader kill Harrison Ford?” My brother and I could hardly respond to such a ridiculous question. Aunt Janet replied in her easy-going manner, “Geez, Dora. Darth Vader died 35 years ago.”
[Waves hand] After eight years of Darth LePage, this is the governor we've been looking for.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
“The truth bomb has been detonated—Bill in Portland Maine doesn’t do much of anything."
---Nicolle Wallace
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