From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Let’s Find Out
Mr. Owl comes out of retirement to answer Mick Mulvaney:
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Great. Now I’m jonesin’ for a Tootsie Pop.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, March 20, 2019
Note: Breaking news at this hour. Eric Trump’s stubble is actually just spray-on nutmeg. Film at 11.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the first Star Wars Episode IX trailer comes out: 23
Days 'til the Pints 'n Paws Craft Beer Festival in Sanford, Florida: 3
Number of the twenty least-prosperous U.S. congressional districts that are represented by Republicans, according to Harper's Index: 16
Number of the twenty most prosperous districts that are represented by Democrats: 20
Height to which the Missouri River rose in southwest Iowa over the weekend, two feet above its previous high mark: 30.2 feet
Percent of women who approve of the way Trump is handling the economy, according to a new CNN poll: 39%
Number of new bars of soap that will be made out of used bars of soap from across the Hilton Hotel chain in time for National Handwashing Day (Oct. 15): 1 million
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 177 (including 4 gogs and 1 priceless letter to the editor in Effingham, Illinois). Soul Protection Factor 8 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Dogs...in...spaaaaaaace!!! (Spoiler alert: not really.)
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CHEERS to Spring! 'Bout effing time, huh? I don't care if we’re still surrounded by increasingly-grey-tinged snow. At exactly 5:58ET this afternoon, I'm still gonna put on my tutu, strap on my fairy wings, go outside and romp barefoot through the barley fields with the wee village folk. If the past is any guide, I'll end up stepping on many of them, because they’re really wee. (It’s okay, though---they all have wee Obamacare silver plans with supplemental "accidental smoosh" coverage.) And this year's spring equinox---the precise moment the sun's rays shine directly on the equator and all the world's eggs balance on their ends---is gonna be extra awesome because, like a fine bottle of tequila, this one's got a worm in it…
Wednesday will mark the third---and final---supermoon of 2019 when the moon is a few thousand miles closer to Earth than usual, EarthSky said. The moon will look most spectacular just as it appears above the eastern horizon late Wednesday afternoon, even though the precise moment the moon is full is a few hours later. […]
The full moon is also known as the worm moon: For millenniums, people across the world, including Native Americans in the eastern and central U.S., named the months after nature’s cues. …
"The tribes kept track of the seasons by giving distinctive names to each recurring full moon," the [Old Farmers’] almanac said. "Their names were applied to the entire month in which each occurred." This full moon is called a worm moon because in cold climates the ground begins to thaw and earthworms appear.
On second thought, maybe I'll just limit my barefoot romping to a brief fan dance in the living room.
CHEERS to a supreme smackdown. Terrible news handed down this week to the conservative Christian bigots in America's wedding industries: if you're open to the public, you're one step closer to having to treat your customers with equal dignity and respect. And, oh, how they're gonna hate having to follow the tyrannical notion of loving thy neighbor as thyself:
The U.S. Supreme Court on Monday declined to hear a challenge to a lower court ruling that found that the owner of a Hawaii bed and breakfast violated a state anti-discrimination law by turning away a lesbian couple, citing Christian beliefs.
The justices refused to hear an appeal by Phyllis Young, who runs the three-room Aloha Bed & Breakfast in Honolulu, of the ruling that she ran afoul of Hawaii’s public accommodation law by refusing to rent a room to Diane Cervilli and Taeko Bufford in 2007. Litigation will now continue that will determine what penalty Young might face.
I say there's only one appropriate penalty here: stoning. I'm an Old Testament guy.
JEERS to udder nonsense. I can't remember the last time a judge literally laughed a case out of court. But I can predict with relative certainty the next time it'll happen: namely, when this idiot---the second-dumbest congressman after Louie Gohmert---stands behind the plaintiff's lectern and utters his first syllable, which (spoiler alert) will be "Waaaah…"
US Representative Devin Nunes has sued Twitter and a handful of users for defamation and negligence, accusing Twitter of acting as a “vessel of opposition research” for hosting accounts that insulted Nunes. […]
Nunes’ lawsuit mostly focuses on a cluster of Twitter accounts that Nunes claims were coordinating libelous attacks on him, primarily “Devin Nunes’ Cow”, the now-suspended “Devin Nunes’ Mom”,and the account of Republican political consultant Liz Mair.
The complaint…quotes numerous tweets from those accounts, which it claims “maliciously attacked every aspect of Nunes’ character, honesty, integrity, ethics, and fitness to perform his duties as a United States Congressman.”
The amount Nunes is suing for: $250 million dollars. He reduced it to that amount only after his legal team patiently explained that "eleventy billion" wasn't a real amount, no matter what he'd been told by his classmates in third grade.
JEERS to pea brains with tiny thumbs. During his weekend twitter meltdown, Baby Fuhrer Trump once again disparaged a rival's I.Q. (Joe Biden in this case). All the reason we need to turn to the fact gods in Meme Land and post this without further comment:
Well, maybe one brief comment for our orange overlord: Thppppt.
CHEERS to strategic cutting and running. On March 20, 1942, General Douglas MacArthur pulled out of the Philippines during World War II so his forces could live to fight the Japanese another day. His words made history: "I shall return." Not so historic were the words that followed: "Accelerator's on the right, Chumley. First hit the clutch...now give it some gas...a little more...great, now you've stalled, try it again. I swear, this is the last time I moonlight as a war zone driving instructor..."
CHEERS to taking a page from the...Trump playbook??? Yup. Gotta give Lord Dampnut credit for providing the strategic kernel of an idea for how to nab an illegal that keeps returning again and again and again. And I should probably mention that the illegal in question is one of Trump's own petty criminals:
New York City police officers built a temporary wall at a Brooklyn subway stop to catch a man who repeatedly graffitied #LoveTrump throughout the station. […] After multiple complaints about the graffiti, two officers asked if they can put up a fake wall to create an enclosure. Officers said they'd hide in the alcove and jump out and catch the alleged graffiti artist in the act.
"And sure enough, a man came back and put up again a '#LoveTrump' on the beam. So they caught him live, writing on the beam," Delatorre said, adding the suspect was arrest on the first day of the operation.
Send me the bill. That's a wall I'll happily pay for. And I know the lawbreaker we should go after next with the same fake-wall tactic. Anyone have a key to the Oval Office I can borrow tonight?
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Ten years ago in C&J: March 20, 2009
CHEERS to amazing discoveries. In Alberta, Canada, paleontologists have dug up the remains of a small 75 million year-old dinosaur. It's a significant find because small creatures tended to get eaten or swept away by the elements. It was evidently an annoying, noisy little ankle-biter that resembled a miniature version of the wild-eyed dinos that tried to eat the children in Jurassic Park. Scientists are calling it the "chicken raptor." Latin name: Glennus Beckus.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the new arrival. Best Dixie Cup joke ever: What do giraffes have that no one else has? Baby giraffes! Ha ha ha!!! No, but seriously, ladies and germs… Two years ago, 1.2 million people watched as April the giraffe gave birth---finally---to a baby boy live on You Tube from Animal Adventure Park in Harpursville, New York. And now, thanks to some more necking in the back of the family Studebaker with husband Oliver, the family added a new member Saturday. Get a live look at April's new son, as yet unnamed but I would suggest they call him Billy:
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Five feet, nine inches and 129 pounds of cuddly. Mom and kiddo are doing fine. Which reminds me of the second-best Dixie Cup joke ever: What do you call a royal giraffe? Your High-ness! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha….
— A T T E N T I O N —
Mr. In Portland Maine has been
removed from the premises.
You're welcome.
Happy humpday.
God Bless America.
---Mgt.
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
Bill in Portland Maine Keeps Busy Doing Nothing All Day, Leaves Early, and Lunches With the Author of Chicken Soup for the Soul
---The Root
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