From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Oh! More Things I Know:
» The Netroots Nation convention in Philadelphia starts in 105 days.
» The President of the United States still doesn’t know the words to the national anthem. But he does know how to simulate having sex with the American flag.
» If NFL players don’t start simulating having sex with the American flag before the start of their games next year, then those sons of bitches are FIRED!
» For the last two years my first thought upon waking up was, “Greeeeat...another day of Trump wrecking the country.” Now that we control the House my first thought upon waking up is, “Great! Another day of Democrats preventing Trump from wrecking the country!”
» My #1 pick for president at the moment is Pete Buttigieg, because of all the candidates his is the only name I can pronounce.
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» According to Republicans, God has given them permission to be horrible, evil, child-caging, commandment-breaking human beings as a reward for being the most devout Christians. Boy, do they have a surprise coming in the afterlife, God tells me.
» After watching the performance of the newly-elected women in the House of Representatives for the last three months, I’ve come to the conclusion that we need even more newly-elected women in the House of Representatives.
» After four months, the snowbank in front of our house finally melted. If you lost 183 cigarette butts or a sock over the winter, good news: we found ‘em.
» The White House will have to pry my Obamacare from my cold dead hands, which won't be cold or dead for a long time thanks to Obamacare.
And, as usual, I want the Democratic candidates for president to know that I’d make a very popular wintertime U.S. ambassador to the Caribbean nation of your choice. I even have my own sash.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold...[Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, March 28, 2019
Note: Today is Weed Appreciation Day. Put the bong down, folks. Not that kind.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til National Doctors' Day: 2
Days 'til the MQX Quilters Festival in Manchester, New Hampshire: 13
Percent of voters who approve and disapprove, respectively, of President Trump in a Morning Consult-Politico poll taken after the Mueller Report/Barr Letter dropped: 42%, 55%
Estimated number of Americans with pre-existing conditions: 52 million
Per-month drop in U.S. income by the end of last November because of Trump's trade policies and tariffs, according to research from the NY Federal Reserve, Princeton University, and Columbia University: $1.4 billion
Copies of Michelle Obama's book Becoming sold so far: 10 million
What the minimum wage would be if it rose as fast as Wall Street bonuses, according to CBS News: $33
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
There are just some things I know from living in Texas all my life. One is, don't bother to build a fence.
Two is, if you want to stop illegal immigrants, stop the people who hire them---quit punishing people who come because there are jobs.
Three, this border has always been porous, and it has always worked to the advantage of the United States. If you want to do the smart thing and look for a long-term solution, try fixing NAFTA and helping with economic development in Mexico.
---April 2006
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Puppy Pic of the Day: "Splat."
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CHEERS to knowing bullshit when we see it. Enough time has gone by for We The People to get a sense of how the handling of the Mueller Report by the Trump administration is playing out. And according to a hot-off-the-press poll by CNN-SSRS, Trump's triumphant shouts of "No collusion!" are falling on skeptical ears:
A majority (56%) says the President and his campaign have not been exonerated of collusion, but that what they've heard or read about the report shows collusion could not be proven. Fewer, 43%, say Trump and his team have been exonerated of collusion. […]
Independents break against exoneration—58% say the President and his campaign were not exonerated. …
That suggests the summary letter released Sunday did little to move public opinion on this matter. And most feel the investigation ought not to end with that letter.
As if that wasn't bad enough news (for him), a Quinnipiac poll taken last Thursday through Monday revealed that nearly half of Americans believe our current president is certifiably cuckoo bananas. Jeez, you try to take health care away from 20-million people, defund the Special Olympics, turn your back on Puerto Rico and run the government like a mafia enterprise, and suddenly they turn on ya.
JEERS to wardrobe malfunctions. Dammit to hell! There was supposed to be an all-female space walk in about 22 hours, but it was canceled because the menfolk at NASA---I'm looking at you, GARY!---forgot to send up enough size medium space walking suits. While we wait for them to catapult one up yonder, please enjoy this pleasant distraction: a brand-spanking-new pic of Jupiter, aka the "Everlasting Gobstopper Planet," that the Juno probe just got developed at Fotomat:
The giant orange spot is the new Daily Kos colony where we're developing a secret [Redacted by management]. I can't wait to see the expression on everyone's faces when we launch the [Redacted by management] on Tuesday the [redacted by management] in the year [redacted by management]. It's gonna be "fart-tastic!" [Not redacted by management, but for the record that’s not the word we’d choose. We prefer “fartylicious.”]
JEERS to the deaf ears on which this new information will fall. Anti-vaxxers---can’t live with ‘em, can’t throw ‘em off a cliff. So it’s up to those pesky doctors and scientists to keep chipping away at their misguided claims that vaccinations cause, or worsen, everything from autism to three-headed-naked-mole-rat disease and hope that one day it takes. But until then, we still have to deal with the stupid. We take you to Rockland County, New York, where a state of emergency has been declared due to a totally-preventable measles outbreak:
Now in effect, anyone who is under 18 years of age and is not vaccinated against the measles is prohibited from public places until the declaration expires in 30 days or until they receive the MMR vaccination.
Parents will also be held accountable for their children if they are found in violation of the state of emergency, and could face fines and possible jail time. Officials say there are no religious exemptions, and that they have been working with area rabbis who have been encouraging their members to get vaccinated. […] There are currently 153 confirmed reported cases of measles in the county, according to health officials.
Whoever develops a vaccine against paranoia deserves a Nobel Prize in medicine so big it needs a crane to lift it.
CHEERS to the United States Senate. Wow...they finally stood up and nailed the President for overstepping his authority, and he was pissed. Sure, the move is a symbolic "slap on the wrist," but he needed it. So mark this date in your history books: March 28, 1834. The day Andrew Jackson got his old hickory ass censured. Maybe we can do it again someday soon for old time's sake. But for the current occupant, only impeachment will do.
CHEERS to letters from the C&J mailbag. Just sent via sashaying carrier pigeon:
Dear Sultan of Brunei,
Hello! How are you? I am fine, and also very gay, which is why I'm writing you.
I just heard that you're about to enact the death penalty for homosexuality in your country. While I'm all in favor of it if there's a fashion crime involved (like mixing stripes and plaids which is a mortal sin, I don’t care what the Queer Eye guys think, for they are young and foolish), I believe you might want to rethink your policy. After all, a dead gay can no longer be taunted, right? And what's the fun in that?
I suggest you impose an even bigger punishment on your gay citizens. Namely, take away their moisturizer and eyebrow tweezers. Trust me, I did this to my partner of 26 years once and he wore a bag on his head the rest of the day. Or---and I'm just throwing this out there for discussion---you could try and not be a barbaric tool of Satan in front of the entire civilized universe, you fucking monster and jammies-wearing tool.
Just something to consider, Your Oilyness. Enjoy the rest of the spring or whatever the hell season it is over there. Firm handshake to your lonely, miserable missus.
Billeh in Portland Maine
P.S. Please also send my regards to your exalted head of the Brunei Culinary Academy: Sultan Pepper. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! Trust me, that kills in the Borscht belt. Well, not the way you define kill, but…oh, never mind.
CHEERS to the Ikey we likey. We're surprised that Dwight Eisenhower hasn't been branded a traitor yet by the right-wingers because he had the audacity to expand Social Security and raise the minimum wage. Plus, on the eve of his exit from the White House he warned America of the dangers of expanding the “military-industrial complex” that loose cannons like Trump could exploit. In short, his crap crapped bigger ones than the current crop of GOPretenders. But his heart, which attacked him several times throughout his life, finally gave out and he died on this date in 1969. Among Ike’s famous quotes chiseled into stone at his grave site is this hippie libturd pabulum:
Pay your respects here. And extra credit for winning the last U.S. war that actually deserved to be fought.
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Ten years ago in C&J: March 28, 2009
JEERS to a day at the worst circus ever. I couldn’t believe the dodge 'n weave act I saw yesterday when Norah O'Donnell grilled a smug, smirking Rep. Mike Pence (R-IN) about the lack of numbers in the Republican party's pitiful excuse for a budget plan. Given the seriousness of the crisis we're in, this 19-page "document"---reproduced using sophisticated carbon-paper technology---is insulting, embarrassing, and so childish it made second-graders roll their eyes. Here are the highlights of their 10-point "Roadmap to Irrelevance":
1. Eliminate the estate tax
2. Drill, baby Drill
3. Ban the gays
4. Increase gun ownership
5. [TBA]
6. [TBA]
7. [TBA]
8. Oh! Destroy the unions!
9. [TBA]
10. Bomb stuff
They'll release their expanded plan next week, once they've gotten approval from Rush Limbaugh. (Don’t forget to wipe the dirt off your knees when you're done, Congressmen.)
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the return of America’s favorite pastime. Finally, our ice-encrusted nostrils can detect the smell of Aqua Velva, fresh-cut grass and well-oiled leather. The waves and seventh inning stretches are nigh. The peanuts, the popcorn, the Cracker Jack! The hours spent prying bits of peanuts, popcorn and Cracker Jack out of your teeth! Today, shouts of “Play ball!” will echo across the land as the 2019 major league baseball season starts---Mets vs. Nationals and the Orioles vs. F*cking Yankees Hock P'tooey are the first games at 1:05---giving us a blessed oasis from the omnipresent political shit storms. (Spoiler alert: the World Series Champion Red Sox will defeat the Mariners today 43-6. Let us continue...) You can check out FiveThirtyEight’s predictions here. And following up on last year’s breach of protocol and American tradition, “best baseball player in New York” Donald Trump once again won’t be throwing out the first pitch at the Nationals game. “Whew! Thanks for sparing me the embarrassment,” said the baseball.
Have a nice Thursday—and please know that I wouldn’t say that unless I was totally sucking up to you. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
Fresh off some of his most triumphant days in office, President Donald Trump has expanded his attack on Cheers and Jeers, a move that has baffled Republicans and Democrats alike.
---Buzzfeed News
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