From: The American Society of Advertising Executives
To: God, the Creator, Ruler of the Universe, etc.
First of all, we’re honored that You came to us for help. There’s an old saying in the advertising business -- “A good product sells itself” -- and what product could be better than this beautiful planet You’ve created? So it’s perfectly understandable that You’re appalled by the threat of global warming and the failure of humanity’s efforts to stop it. But don’t give up! We have some new ideas for You.
With all due respect for Your divine wisdom, we think You need to get more aggressive. You’ve provided plenty of warning signs of the coming apocalypse -- record-breaking temperatures, furious storms, the die-offs of thousands of species -- but in today’s fast-moving digital world, that’s not enough. Most politicians are still ignoring the problem. Emissions of heat-trapping gases are rising, not falling.
What’s the solution? The Creator needs to get creative! Here are our suggestions:
Come up with a catchy slogan. Because You’re all-knowing, we assume You’ve heard of the “Got Milk?” advertisements. Milk is a fabulous product, and we’re certainly grateful that You invented it, but how many people would still drink the stuff if not for that slogan?
Okay, we know what You’re thinking: the goal of preventing a climate catastrophe is so important that it doesn’t need a catchphrase. But nowadays people have so many other worries. The long-term threats of unprecedented flooding and famine tend to get eclipsed by more immediate concerns, such as unwanted body hair and erectile dysfunction.
A good slogan could do wonders for the global-warming issue. We batted around a few possibilities in the conference room yesterday: “Extreme Heat is No Picnic,” “Dump Coal, Save a Soul,” and “Think of Your Grandchildren.” The winner, though, was inspired by a recent political campaign: “Make Earth Great Again.”
Emphasize the plight of cute animals. Climate change is killing adorable animals across the globe, but hardly anyone is even noticing the carnage. So far, the only animals that have stirred much sympathy are the starving polar bears, and that’s mostly because the Coca-Cola ads have made the beasts seem lovable. But in reality, polar bears are far from cuddly. You’ve seen what they do to the seals, right?
If You’re serious about saving Your world, You should choose a less ferocious mascot for this issue. Preferably a creature that’s small and harmless and would look cute in a TV commercial. Maybe a bunny?
Here’s an idea: could You bend the rules of Nature and give the animal the ability to talk? At least for the duration of a commercial shoot? So it can tell the whole world, in a sad, squeaky voice, how climate change is making it miserable?
Make it easy to do the right thing. Your big challenge is persuading people to make sacrifices. You want them to stop burning so much oil and coal, but trying to change their behavior using taxes or penalties is difficult. Most politicians don’t have the guts to even mention carbon taxes anymore.
It’s Your fault, really. You made us too greedy!
But there’s an easier fix. The best ad campaigns are the ones that encourage people to do the things they naturally love to do anyway, such as overeating sugary snacks and showing off their new cars. And there’s a simple activity that would make everyone happier and help the environment too.
It’s called sleep. Everyone would love to get more of it. And a slumbering person has a relatively small carbon footprint, at least if the thermostat isn’t turned up too high.
We haven’t run the numbers yet, but if seven billion people got an hour more of sleep every night, it’s bound to cool down the planet. So maybe You could issue an Eleventh Commandment against alarm clocks?
If all else fails, change the rules. Okay, this might be considered cheating, but how about making humanity a little smarter? If we had more foresight, we’d immediately recognize the looming danger. We might even accept a reasonable carbon tax (especially if it exempted the poor or used the tax revenues to offset their extra expenses).
Solving the problem would be a no-brainer if You just made our brains a bit bigger. What do You think?
Mark Alpert is an author of science thrillers and a former editor at Scientific American. St. Martin’s Press has just published his latest novel, The Coming Storm, which is about a dangerously incompetent president who ignores global warming. See www.markalpert.com for more information.