It turns out that before William Barr embarked on a career in the law, he was actually a young literary entrepreneur… That’s right, our very own Attorney General once had dreams of competing with Cliff Notes and building an empire of helpful guides for those seeking the Gentleman’s C.
The endeavor collapsed under a weight of class action lawsuits and laughter, and the publisher — Trump University Press — destroyed most copies of his publications in the resulting aftermath, but a few tattered remnants are still to be found at various flea markets and in the Trump family library.
After a respectful moment of silence for the failure of Redaction Distraction Study Guides Inc. — take a perusal at some of the prior summaries our lowered Barr issued in his previous life.
To Kill a Mockingbird
Total Exoneration in Mockingbird Homicides
This story tells us about the great witch hunt to find out who was murdering mockingbirds. It apparently uses a lot of similes or metaphors — whatever the one is that doesn’t use “like” — because after reading it cover to cover, I don’t think any mockingbirds were actually killed. Also, there’s a lawyer and this girl… well, a couple of girls, but the main girl lives next door to a ghost.
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
Tracking a Stolen Goods Ring
This is a detective story with a twist — it is about the young leader of a stolen goods ring who flees with his ill-gotten gains down some river. The Amazon, I think. There’s some porno and murders and spoiler alert: the stolen goods are not recovered because of a technicality. It has a lot of subtext about how the laws can be perverted by swamp elites.
The Scarlet Letter
Pillars of the community did not collude with promiscuous quilter
A woman that sleeps around tries to draw innocent men of reputation into her dark world of sex and money. I admit that I grew frustrated with all the allusions to the sex, but there wasn’t any so I did not quite finish this title. However, I think I read enough of it to know that it was total exoneration for this one priest named Dimmesdale.
Don Quixote
Action-adventure spectacular about a Giant Slayer
This is an awesome book about a Knight who frees slaves, protects the weak, and slays giants. I can totally see this being made into the next Steven Seagal blockbuster as it has all the elements: A common man pushed too far who then goes a spree of vengeance, romance and freedom. It gets a little preachy at the end though.
Charlotte’s Web
Pig spins spider webs and becomes a tasty BLT
This Children’s book is about a pig who becomes a sandwich. Since it’s a kids book, I only skimmed it, but I think this pig is some kind of mutant that spins webs out of its ass like a spider. It has a rat friend, too. At the climax, it loses a contest to be Not Bacon so it probably ends up being bacon. The End.
A Modest Proposal
Holy Shit! This Crazy Fuck Eats Babies!!!!
This is a sick, sick essay by a cannibal who eats babies. I do not understand why people like it. It’s a COOK BOOK FOR EATING BABIES!
The Grapes of Wrath
Boring Historical Drama about bumper crop at a vineyard
This book is about some whine makers that have so many grapes they don’t know what to do with them. It’s only worth reading for history nerds probably or maybe for people who don’t remember how America used to be great. You know, that would make a good campaign slogan for someone some day…. “Make America Great Again”.
Moby Dick
How fishing is good for the soul
This is a novel about a fisherman and the sense of peace and tranquility he gets from it. It explains how fishing can be good for the soul and has a lot of good life lessons about pursuing your goals.
The Great Gatsby
Party Hearty!
This really cool and awesome rich guy throws a lot of great parties and wins the sexy girl because he is rich and awesome. After they get together because he is rich and awesome — and probably smarter than all the generals and businessmen and scientists and stuff — he does experience some frustrations though. Still, I like this book. We should have a President who is rich and awesome some day. That would be great.