From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Nighters Weigh in on Alabama
"Alabama lawmakers passed a bill banning nearly all abortions. That is either an overreach by the Alabama GOP or some pretty intense viral marketing for the new season of The Handmaid's Tale. … Under the Alabama bill, doctors [who perform abortions] would face felony jail time up to 99 years if convicted. Let's see…it’s 2019, so by the time those doctors get out of jail, in Alabama it'll be 1895."
—Stephen Colbert
"What made me so mad was seeing the 25 Alabama senators who voted for the abortion ban. Look at 'em [above]—all men. This looks like the casting call for a Lipitor commercial. This looks like the mug shots of everyone arrested at a massage parlor. If any of 'em had lips, I would tell them to kiss my entire ass. You can’t control women."
—Leslie Jones on SNL
"Republican state senator Clyde Chambliss was asked about the fact that the bill does not provide exemptions in cases of rape or incest. Chambliss said that abortions could be provided 'until the woman is known to be pregnant.' What??? Who was this guy's sex-ed teacher, a polecat in a beer helmet?"
—Seth Meyers
"Speaking of Alabama, 'no exceptions for rape and incest' is also Roy Moore's dating profile,"
—Samantha Bee
There are hundreds of protests scheduled for tomorrow. Find the one nearest you at StopAbortionBans.org. Some coverage please, networks.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, May 20, 2019
Note: Oh no...Jared just cracked a nail. Life is so unfair.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the start of the Memorial Day weekend: 4
Days ‘til the Bellevue Jazz Festival in Washington: 9
Minimum expected number of Londoners who plan to protest Trump when he visits in June: 1 million
Percent by which the CDC says black women are more likely to die from breast cancer than white women: 40%
Percent of voters who believe Mueller should and should not, respectively, testify before Congress, according to a new Morning Consult-Politico poll: 56%, 19%
Percent of voters believing Trump is a successful businessman before and after, respectively, they were told about his $1.17 billion in business losses between 1985 and 1994, according to the same Morning Consult-Politico poll: 54%, 43%
Record depth to which retired naval officer Victor Vescovo submerged in a submarine in the Pacific Ocean's Mariana Trench, a record dive: 35,853 feet
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Puppy Pic of the Day: "The hills are aliiiiiiiiive…."
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CHEERS to order in the court. America's judicial system continues driving Cadet Bone Spurs crazy by slamming the door on his nefarious schemes with thoughtful, rule-of-law-based abandon. Here are three cases from just last week that have him in full tantrum mode:
DACA A federal appeals court ruled Friday the Trump administration acted in an "arbitrary and capricious" manner when it sought to end an Obama-era program that shields young immigrants from deportation. …The ruling overturns a lower court ruling a judge in Maryland made last year, which Trump had previously praised via Twitter.
The Flynn Criminal Case The judge presiding over former national security adviser Michael Flynn’s case on Thursday ordered federal prosecutors to release transcripts of the Flynn’s conversations with Russian officials. … [Judge Emmet] Sullivan additionally ordered that federal prosecutors also make public parts of the redacted Mueller report that relate to Flynn.
The Wall Trump's declaration of a national emergency to divert billions of dollars from the Pentagon for a border wall faced its first courtroom test on Friday. Federal District Court Judge Haywood Gilliam in Oakland, Calif., seemed skeptical as Justice Department attorneys defended the president's action. The Sierra Club and a group of southern U.S.communities…asked for a nationwide order to stop any construction paid for by money under the Trump's emergency order.
Trump responded predictably by insult-tweeting the judges and calling them names in front of his staff. The judges resisted the temptation to respond in kind, mostly on account of they're no longer in middle school.
CHEERS to equality in America the equal. I don’t know what you people are talking about with all this “busted just for being black” stuff. Sure, African-Americans have been arrested for buying a tomato while black…arrested for waiting for someone at Starbucks while being black…arrested for being in Walmart while black…arrested at a lunch counter for being black...and, most recently, arrested for standing in your own yard while black…yes, yes, yes, the list is shockingly long. But let’s not blow this out of proportion, people. To demonstrate that all these “getting arrested for [doing something innocent] while black” claims are just outliers, C&J offers this comprehensive and exhaustive list of activities black people have engaged in without getting arrested:
>> Juggling bowling pins while standing on a board balanced on top of a beach ball
>> Floating over the Grand Canyon in a hot air balloon
>> Serving as President of the United States
>> Pole vaulting
>> Snapping pics from the top of a lighthouse
>> Playing bagpipes in the Catskills
>> Eating Swedish meatballs
>> Solving a Rubik’s Cube
>> Hosting a Tupperware party
See? That’s a huge list. What a wonderful, tolerant world. This cheer has been sponsored by the American Society of Clueless White People: telling black people to just calm down since 2018 2016 2000 1982 1960 1925 1858 1776.
CHEERS to having the courage to be a lover, not a fighter. On this date in 1774, the first Shakers, led by Ann Lee, sailed to America from England. During the Revolution they refused to fight and were jailed, making them our first conscientious objectors. And here I thought they just made nifty furniture.
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man. Nate Silver and the gang over at FiveThirtyEight ask: "Is Trump an aberration?"
Abomination.
Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
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JEERS to moving day in Dixie. Li'l Civil War nugget: on May 20, 1861, the Confederate Congress agreed to pack its bags and move the capital from Montgomery, Alabama to Richmond, Virginia. I believe a similar event would take place 51 years later with the deck chairs on the Titanic.
CHEERS to lording over our domain. Denise Oliver Valez alerted us to this ratings tidbit last week. In the entire universe of intelligent, common-sense-endowed, freedom-loving, patriotic, thoughtful, compassionate, and hard-working arbiters of justice, democracy, and good taste in the progressive world, guess who lords benevolently from the top of Mount Awesome according to infallible tracking site Feedspot? The purveyors of politics, pooties and pie, that's who:
Liberal Political Blogs List.The Best Liberal Political blogs from thousands of top Liberal Political blogs in our index using search and social metrics. Data will be refreshed once a week.
1. Daily Kos
Daily Kos, a brainchild of blogger Markos Moulitsas, is one of the oldest political blogs on the Web and it is unashamedly liberal. It gets about 25 million hits a month and has thousands of readers commenting every day. Expect a lot of heated discussions here.
Frequency about 168 posts per week.
Facebook fans 1,258,889
Twitter followers 229,919
This can mean only one thing: we’re gonna need a bigger fridge in the break room.
JEERS to faulty predictions. On May 20, 1926, Thomas Edison said Americans would always prefer silent movies over talkies. Great inventor. Terrible psychic.
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Ten years ago in C&J: May 20, 2009
CHEERS to reining in Big Plastic. Yesterday the Senate voted 90-5 to adopt new rules that will stop the credit card companies from being total dickheads. Among the provisions are more plain-spoken language on statements; rules on how often they can raise interest rates; a 21-day grace period to pay bills; more restrictions on issuing cards to people under 21; and, of course, the most important part of any credit card legislation:
One amendment attached to the Senate bill by Senator Tom Coburn, Republican of Oklahoma, would restore a Bush administration policy allowing loaded guns in national parks.
Yes, because bears are notorious for stealing people's MasterCards and going on nut and berry binges at Whole Foods. Good catch, Senator.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to Canada! We'd be insulting our neighbors to the north if we didn't wish them a happy, happy---[Looks at wall calendar for the 18th time today to remember what the hell the holiday's called again]---Victoria Day! It's a day for dusting off their William Shatner shrines (required by law) and chugging any leftover Molson from last year's Victoria Day. If you're wondering what all the fuss is about, eh…
Victoria Day celebrates Queen Victoria's birthday (May 24th). Canada is still a member of the Commonwealth of Nations, of which the Queen is head.
Victoria Day is always on a Monday; thus the holiday is part of a long weekend, which is commonly referred to as the Victoria Day Weekend, the May Long Weekend, the May Long, or the May Two-Four (a case of beer in some parts of Canada is called a "two-four" and many of these are consumed over the holiday). The weekend is also called the May 24th weekend, although it does not necessarily fall on May 24th. The Victoria Day Weekend is the first popular weekend for spring/summer travel.
All I can say is: thank god it's finally here. I was getting tired of the radio stations and their 24/7 Victoria Day carol marathons. ("Grandma Got Run Over By A Mountie" AGAIN?!!!)
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
Trump Loses it on Cheers and Jeers: "It's bullshit."
---Mediaite
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