From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Friday Night Serenade
You’ve been so good this week. Here, you deserve this:
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Next Democratic president gives Randy a Medal of Freedom for bucking up a weary nation in a time of darkness. Or at least a free White House tour. I mean, c’mon.
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, May 31, 2019
Note: Today's C&J is in English with translucent subtitles for our invisible readers. ---Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Doughnut Day: 7
Days 'til Sacramento Pride: 8
Average worker's bonus from the 2017 Republican tax cuts: $28
Number of mini-satellites SpaceX plans to send into space to improve global internet service: 12,000
Percent chance that a new USC study shows that women do better in warmer work environments, while men do better in cooler work environments: 100%
Percent of the 462 new members of the Fortune 500 who are women, a record high: 40%
Percent of Republicans and Republican leaners who would like to see Trump get a primary challenge next year, up 6 percent since the midterm elections: 43%
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Puppy Pic of the Day: The mayor will see you now...
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CHEERS to clearing the air. Yesterday President Trump responded to the Mueller report’s assertion that Russia helped him win the 2016 election. You can watch it here:
So it’s settled then.
CHEERS to the C&J God Squad. We—you, me, pets who understand basic theology, all of us—have a job to do this weekend. We get one shot at this. Evangelist Franklin Graham has ordered his followers to pray for the president's reelection this weekend, and he means business. Sunday morning he plans to lower the earth's shield generator so his followers can get their prayers to God's ears:
“This is a critical time for America. We’re on the edge of a precipice. Time is short. We need to pray for God to intervene.”
“We know that God hears and answers prayer. He is all-powerful,and He rules over the affairs of nations."
But we have a surprise in store: Admiral Meteor Blades is sending a small away team to rewire the shield generator so it opens and closes on our command. Your job: Sunday morning at exactly 8:59am, pray as hard as you can for Trump's massive defeat in 2020. The shield will be down for exactly one minute, and then closed again just in time for the prayers of Graham's followers to bounce harmlessly back to earth. This will be the greatest defeat of the Trump era, and you'll all receive a commendation in the Great Hall of Blogger Heroes. Good luck. Oh, and if you could also toss up a prayer for a reboot of Cop Rock, we'd be much obliged.
JEERS to the Baby-in-Chief. Apparently the White House has a director of tantrum prevention, because someone got deep enough in the weeds during the planning of Trump's Japan trip to know that the USS John McCain would be parked where he might see it, causing him to turn red and start screaming at whatever life forms were nearby. So, of course, immediate instructions had to be clackity-clacked to the ship on the telegraph machine:
[A]n email to Navy and Air Force officials, obtained by CNBC, had a number of directives, including: “USS John McCain needs to be out of sight,” and asking officials to “please confirm” that directive “will be satisfied.” A source with knowledge of the matter confirmed to CNBC the existence of that email.
The Journal said a tarp was hung over the ship’s name ahead of Trump’s trip and that sailors were directed to remove coverings from the destroyer that bore the McCain name. The newspaper also said sailors assigned to the ship, who generally wear caps bearing its name, were given the day off during Trump’s visit to the nearby USS Wasp.
Said acting Secretary of Defense Patrick Shanahan: “I would never dishonor the memory of a great American patriot like Sen. John McCain." On Trump’s weekend agenda: watching Fox News to pick out a new acting Secretary of Defense.
CHEERS to an idea that was ahead of its time. On June 1, 1869, Thomas Edison received a patent for his mechanical voting machine. He lost money, though, because no one wanted to use it. Democrats found it too easy to hack and Republicans found it too hard to hack.
JEERS to turbulent times ahead. Here we go again. Enjoy the next five hours, all you gulf- and east-coasters, because the 2019 hurricane season starts at midnight. Fortunately (read: astoundingly), the NOAA forecast suggests it won’t be a crusher:
This outlook forecasts a 40% chance of a near-normal season, a 30% chance of an above-normal season and a 30% chance of a below-normal season. The hurricane season officially extends from June 1 to November 30.
For 2019, NOAA predicts a likely range of 9 to 15 named storms (winds of 39 mph or higher), of which 4 to 8 could become hurricanes (winds of 74 mph or higher), including 2 to 4 major hurricanes (category 3, 4 or 5; with winds of 111 mph or higher). NOAA provides these ranges with a 70% confidence. An average hurricane season produces 12 named storms, of which 6 become hurricanes, including 3 major hurricanes.
We’ve already had our first named storm: Andrea, which came and went without incident. And as a reminder, here are the remaining names associated with the Hurricane Class of 2019 in an easy-to-remember format I’ve created exclusively for C&J readers:
Andrea Doria, Barry Obama, Chantal Cookware, Dorian Gray, Erin Go Bragh, Fernand Leger, Gabrielle Giffords, Humberto III—Count of Savoy, Imelda Marcos, Jerry Seinfeld, Karen Carpenter, Lorenzo Llamas, Melissa Etheridge, Nestor the Chronicler, Olga the teacher I was most afraid of in school, Pablo Casals, Rebekah Brooks, Sebastien the crab from Little Mermaid, Tanya Tucker, Van Jones, and Wendy Carlos (whose score for the original Tron should've been nominated for an Oscar).
If the last three letters of the alphabet are needed, NOAA will use the usual "X Marks the Spot," "You've Gotta Be Shitting Me, Another One???" and "Zombie Hurricane Season from Hell.”
CHEERS to high times. GREAT NEWS for Hillary supporters! After struggling for what seemed like an eternity, a bruised and battered Hillary finally, finally found a way to reach the top and savor sweet victory despite the crushing odds and skeptics' sneers. It was incredible. The world rejoiced at the sound of Hillary's name!! "Hooray, Hillary, hooray! We love Hillary! Hillary led the way and succeeded!" Yes, it all happened 66 years ago this week, when Sir Edmund Hillary and his Sherpa, Tenzing Norgay, became the first humans to reach the top of Mount Everest. Why are you looking at me like that?
CHEERS to home vegetation. Friendly sporting competitions dominate the TV machine this weekend, but not before Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow carve up the roast Friday news dump beast on MSNBC.
Or, if you're tired of all the modern-day sturm and drang, you can switch to HBO at 8 for some old west sturm and drang in one my most eagerly-awaited flicks of the year: Deadwood: The Movie, featuring the return of Al Swearengen and his notorious potty mouth. Then at 10 Bill Maher talks with former Massachusetts governor and GOP presidential candidate Bill Weld, John Waters, Kirsten Powers, and Col. Lawrence Wilkerson (Ret.) on HBO’s Real Time.
New home video releases include Neil Jordan's new thriller Greta, and the Rebel Wilson comedy Isn't It Romantic?. The baseball schedule is here. Game 2 of the NBA finals between Golden State and Toronto is Sunday night on ABC, and the Stanley Cup finals continue tomorrow night between Boston and St. Louis on the NBC Sports Network. Plus the final rounds of the Memorial golf tournament in Dublin, Ohio will air on CBS. (I went to it in ‘86 and bumped into Glen Campbell, who was very nice.) America's Got Talent is back for another season, and there's a new episode Sunday night on NBC. But we're a bit more excited about the return of John Oliver to HBO's Last Week Tonight desk. I imagine he'll have a word or two to say about Mueller Time.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: 2020 Democratic presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke continue his reboot tour; acting White House Chief of Trump’s Human Doormats Mick Mulvaney.
CNN's State of the Union: House majority whip James Clyburn (D-SC); 2020 Democratic presidential candidate Seth Moulton (D-MA); Acting Trump stooge at DHS Kevin McAleenan. Andrew Gillum is on the pundit roundtable.
This Week: TBA
Face the Nation: Sens. Mark Warner (D-VA), Joe Manchin (D-WV), and John Kennedy (R-LA); British foreign secretary Jeremy Hunt.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Head of the House pompous ass conference Rep. Doug Collins (R-GA); acting Trump Diet Coke fetcher Mick Mulvaney.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: May 31, 2009
CHEERS to the court of public opinion. Good news! Gallup polled a gaggle of 'Murican adults to gauge their thoughts on Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor. It looks like we're pretty darn sweet on her. In fact, a whopping 75 percent think it's great to finally have a mayor on the bench. Although sadly, of those, only five percent could locate Soto on a map.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to a guy who classed up the republic. Here's your brain food for the day, courtesy of birthday boy Walt Whitman, born May 31, 1819. With all the bullshit we've endured this week—and it was a short week!—enjoy this eloquent slide into the weekend…
“This is what you shall do;
Love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body.”
Whew. Anybody else need a cigarette?
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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