by Zebow “Rosebud” Ridiculousous
It was an absolute shocker when millionaire entrepreneur and philanthropist Andrew Yang dropped out as a Democratic Party candidate as did all the other Democratic contenders. This left only one other potential candidate, an unknown blogger and frequent poster (781 posts since March 23, 2016) on the Daily Kos website named Hal Brown. As one of the first members of the Duty to Warn group of psychotherapists he often posts about Trump’s mental health.
Brown had filed papers months ago but never announced his candidacy. He read a 2006 article in Slate and was intrigued when he discovered that it wasn’t all that difficult to run for president.
The Democratic National Committee in an unprecedented top-secret emergency meeting met at the former home of Joseph Barbara in the Appalachian Mountains. They decided that although the deadline for the debate had passed fairness dictated that since Brown met the debate criteria he should be included.
In his first interview Brown explained his platform.
Ridiculousous: Why did you decide to run for president?
Brown: I call this the Miss America question where in the onstage interview competition the contestants answer the host’s questions with something patriotic like “I always wanted to do something for the country,” or along the lines of how they’d like to help achieve world peace or eliminate poverty, disease, or hunger. However the truth is as mundane as it dates back to who I was when I was in 1971. I was involved with the anti-war movement and in graduate social work school. While I eschewed the barber shop and had an Emiliano Zapata moustached and I was not a hippie I had lots of friends who were. One of them was a self-proclaimed witch and she told me I was one of the chosen ones and if I committed to celibacy I could be president someday. Obviously I never forgot that.
Ridiculousous: Well, did you remain celibate?
Brown: No, that night I slept with her. In the day it was called a one night stand. Do they still have those? Her father was a actually quite famous at Michigan State but I can’t reveal who he was.
Ridiculousous: So what happened that led you to run for president? How is it you decided to do this Pat Paulson thing?
Brown: Who’s Pat Paulson?
Ridiculousous: He’s the comedian who….
Brown: Oh, I remember, he claimed to be running for president as part of his schtick and I think a few people voted for him as a write-in.
Ridiculousous: He came to mind when I was preparing for this interview so I looked him up on Wikipedia and ironically came upon his famous quote: “All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian.”
Brown: I immigration as an issue, he was prescient. I don’t remember that one but in many ways it sure is applicable today what with Donald Trump’s immigrant extinction program which is worse than merely unenlightened, it is cruel and emblematic of his racism and hate mongering. I’m glad you didn’t liken my candidacy to that of Roseanne Barr. She is among many others, mostly comedians, who also ran for president.
Ridiculousous: I assume your position on immigration is the same as the other candidates.
Brown: Yes. One of my first acts when I am elected will be to tear down all the walls on the Mexican border. I’d beautify the border. I’d replace the walls with rows of indigenous plants and flowers and signs that say “Welcome to the United Sates, Please Go to Check-point for Entry.”
Ridiculousous: So I take it you would welcome immigrants to assimilate into our society…
Brown: Of course. I’d take the money spent on our quasi-military border cops who I consider an embarrassment to the vast majority of those who I consider to be real cops protecting all residents and fighting real crime. Having been a reserve police officer for 20 years I know dozens of police officers who took the words on their cruisers “to protect and to serve” were meant to apply to everyone.
Of course I’d close those horrendous inhumane concentration camps on the border. (I agree with Corey Booker who has a plan to reform the criminal justice system — without Congress.) With the savings from eliminating most border protection officers and reducing the prison populations I would fund social programs for new arrivals and former inmates. Working in these programs would be a great job for bachelor level social work and psychology graduates and volunteer retirees.
Ridiculousous: You’ve had no experience in business, foreign affairs, and have never held elected office, so how do you propose to govern?
Brown: I don’t plan to govern.
Ridiculousous: What?
Brown: I don’t plan to govern.
Ridiculousous: How can you be president without governing?
Brown: I’ll leave the governing and decision making to my highly qualify Vice President who would probably be the person who came in second in the primaries and advisors, Cabinet members and agency heads. I will fill the swamp that Trump drained with those so-called swamp people people many of whom would be from the Obama administration who are willing to serve in an acting or permanent capacity. They would be people who the majority of the country would agree are the best and the brightest.
Ridiculousous: So what would you do as president? Would you do anything at all about policy decisions?
Brown: I’d weigh in on matters with have to do with my area of expertise which is mental health. I’d establish a permanent presidential commission on mental health which will include substance abuse. I’d also ask congress to fund a new and better act than the Community Mental Health Act of 1963. Only half the proposed community mental health centers (CMHC’s) were built as a result of the act and the grants expired. States were expected to fund the programs and many didn’t. After working in a family service agency I got my next psychotherapist job at the Mason Mental health Center near Lansing, Michigan — link with photos (where I eventually became the director) in the second year from the staffing grant for CMHC’s.
Ridiculousous Would you meet with world leaders, including despots like Putin and Kim?
Brown: I might sit in on some meetings, but I would leave the heavy duty discussions and negations to my Secretary of State and expert advisors. I think Secretary fo State Hillary Clinton, John Kerry, Michelle Obama or someone equally esteemed would be head and shoulders more qualified that Mike Pompeo.
Ridiculousous: Is there anything else you know about from your own experience that might help inform you as a president?
Brown: I did lots of different things during my career and my life that I’m proud of. I’d weigh in when I felt I could contribute, but not as the absolute decision maker. This would force those with differing opinions to talk them out and come to either a compromise or agree on a course of action.
Ridiculousous: Trump issued lots of executive orders…
Brown: ...which I just learned he signed with a specially made Sharpie felt tip pen. (“'Make it look rich': Trump told Sharpie to create a custom pen for him to sign important documents.” Business Insider)
Ridiculousous: What would you do about executive orders?
Brown: I’d heed the advice of my advisors and as someone who has been a marriage counsellor when there were divergent opinions I’d use my skill as a mediator to reach an a decision or compromise. Oh, and I’d use an inexpensive ballpoint pen to sign the executive orders that my advisors believed were in the best interest of the nation.
Ridiculousous: It sounds like you’d be a figurehead, kind of like Queen Elizabeth.
Brown: I doubt I’d start out as a beloved monarch but hopefully in four years I’d have grown on people.
Ridiculousous: You’ll be 76 when elected. Is there any downside to your age?
Brown: I require an hour long nap at about 2:00.
Ridiculousous: I have to ask this. Would you tweet?
Brown: Sure, I’d tweet cute photos of my Westies.