From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: Across the Pond and Back Again Edition
"President Trump is in Europe right now. He spent the past three days in London. He's now at his golf club in Ireland. Today “His MAGAsty” joined the queen to commemorate the 75th anniversary of D-Day. Trump initially agreed to attend because he thought the D stood for Donald."
—Jimmy Kimmel
"Prince Harry's wife Meghan Markle was able to avoid meeting President Trump because she's on maternity leave. So today when Trump said he'd like to come back, Queen Elizabeth announced she's pregnant until Trump's term in office is over."
—Conan O'Brien
"Jared Kushner and Stephen Miller have spent months together working on the Trump administration's new immigration plan. What I wouldn’t give to be a fly on that wall…watching all the other flies swarm around their masters."
—Colin Jost
"Wow, Jared has not been taken to the woodshed like that since he was carved by Geppetto."
—Stephen Colbert, on Jonathan Swan's interview with Kushner
"Even if you have a Fox News Town Hall and absolutely kill it, they'll spin it so that you went on a killing spree."
—Samantha Bee
Hooray. Nukes stayed in their silos for another week. Free lime and spinach jello molds with banana slices and olives for everybody below the fold, right after a quick duck ‘n cover drill. Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, June 7, 2019
Note: Caution. This note. Makes frequent. Stops. Sometimes unexpect. Edly.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Father's Day: 9
Days 'til Denver Pride: 8
Amount of lead that melted during the Notre Dame cathedral blaze, prompting health authorities to urge nearby residents to get their blood tested: 300 tons
Amount of land currently being deforested every minute in the Amazon rain forest: 2 soccer fields worth
Maximum term Supreme Court justices would be limited to, according to Beto O'Rourke's voting rights plan: 18 years
Current price of oil per barrel: $51
Current ocean temperature off Portland, Maine: 51F
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weeeeeeeekend…
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CHEERS to Audio Smoking Guns for $800, Alex. Here's a great example of how audio and/or video evidence holds a lot more power than just telling someone to sit in a quiet corner and read a dull report to themselves. Yesterday a judge released the voice-mail message left by Donald Trump's lawyer to Mike Flynn's lawyer. At the time, Flynn was cooperating with federal authorities in the Mueller investigation, and actually hearing one of Trump's fixers do his dirty work on behalf of his crook boss is really something. For me it's a kind of shocking that I just don’t get from the printed page. Have a listen to this scumbag…
And here's a thought to give you a warm, fuzzy feeling all weekend long: There. Will. Be. More.
CHEERS to changing the nameplate above the front door. On today's date in 1775, "United States" was chosen to replace "United Colonies" as our country’s official name (beating out "Bubbaland" by one vote). But the colonies themselves were far from forgotten—the 13 stripes representing them on our flag take up the vast majority of space, with the states relegated to a modest blue box. By the way, if you need some parchment at bargain basement prices, there's still ten thousand boxes of "United Colonies" stationery in the Independence Hall supply closet. Thanks for the advance notice, management. :-(
CHEERS to mooning earth. A quick heads-up that on Monday an object nearly as big and gaseous as our commander-in-chief's noggin will be sashaying across the night sky. Scientists—if you can believe them—call it the planet Jupiter. Some call it MAGA Land, while others insist its proper name is "NASA's Biggest Hoax." But anyway, apparently you'll be able to view it with the nudie-tunes eye and also see some of its 79 moons with just a pair of binoculars Monday night. Here's what it’ll look like from your back yard, many people on the internet are saying:
Make sure you go out at exactly 9pm, stare up at Jupiter, and don’t budge for a minimum of 15 minutes. That oughtta give me enough time to raid your fridge.
JEERS to sudden endings. If you were planning on becoming a fan of the TV series Swamp Thing, sad news to report: it's been cancelled after just two episodes. Swamp Thing, as we all know, is a grotesque monster from the D.C. universe who lords over a patch of putrid wasteland dominated by carnage and chaos while surrounded by swarms of vicious parasites. But enough about Donald Trump. Did I mention that they cancelled the TV series Swamp Thing?
CHEERS to that shining city on a hill surrounded by the aforementioned gaseous swampland. 226 years ago Sunday, in 1793, Congress—back when it was functional—voted to make Washington, D.C. the official replacement for Philadelphia as the nation's capital. Today the beltway politicians, lobbyists and pundits have so sullied the name of the place, and besmirched the memory of the person for whom it's named (Ronald Reagan Washington, the Texas school board tells me), that we really should think about moving it again. I offer up my usual candidates: Goober Hill, LA…Devil's Den, CA…Cuckoo, VA…Crooks, SD…Rattlesnake Bend, FL…Mayday, GA…Oil Springs, KY…Petroleum, MT…Crappo, MD…Hell, MI…Money, MS…Loco, OK…and Idiotville, OR. Completely out of the question, however: moving it to any town named Normal.
CHEERS to home vegetation. This is the weekend when TV-viewing Americans develop a serious case of….…..Jazz Hands!!! Yes, the Tony Awards are Sunday night on CBS---hosted by Late, Late Show James Corden (of Carpool Karaoke fame). I’ve got 50 bucks riding on Candy Corn: The Musical starring Christopher Plummer and Cyndi Lauper to win it all. After all, who will ever be able to forget their timeless duet, Leaving You Brachs My Heart? Not a dry eye in the house.
But first, Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow have to sift and sort through the various Friday news dumps. Then on HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher holds court with firebrand Rep. Katie Porter (D-CA), 2020 candidate Andrew Yang, NYT columnist Charles Blow, and Clint Watts (senior fellow at the Center for Cyber and Homeland Security at George Washington University). New home video releases include absolutely nothing of note for me, but you may find something in here. The baseball schedule is here. Toronto plays at Golden State tonight in the NBA finals on ABC (Toronto leads 2 games to 1). Boston plays St. Louis Sunday night on NBC in Stanley Cup action (currently tied 2 games apiece). Oh, and the Belmont Stakes are tomorrow. (Here's the recipe for the Belmont Jewel, that goes down a helluva lot smoother than that Kentucky Derby julep concoction that tastes like benzene. Does Elizabeth Warren have a plan to eliminate that public menace?) On 60 Minutes, China’s dominance in the rare-minerals industry, and a profile of a couple who appear to have figured out how to win millions in state lotteries. And after the Tonys are over, we'll be switching over to John Oliver's Last Week Tonight at 11 on HBO.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
This Week: TBA
Meet the Press: Preempted by the Snooty French Open.
Face the Nation: TBA
CNN's State of the Union: Sen. and 2020 candidate Bernie Sanders (I-VT).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Rep David Cicilline (D-RI) of the House Judiciary Committee.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: June 7, 2009
CHEERS to pressing the 'Reset' button. [Yawn] Another day, another grand slam. President Obama, speaking in Egypt, threaded a needle this morning and gave the Middle East (not to mention folks here at home) plenty of food for thought. He spoke of respect for religious diversity, women's rights, peaceful co-existence, political freedom, nuclear disarmament, and fighting terrorism. He pledged to support these efforts without acting like a bull in a china shop, but said change would only come with fresh thinking on everybody's part. But even more than that, he accomplished one thing that historians will marvel at as a high point in the first year of his presidency: he knocked Joe Scarborough off the teevee for an entire hour. On behalf of a grateful nation: thank you, sir.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to ending the week on a Kum by Yah note. This month marks the 50th anniversary of the Stonewall riots in New York City that kicked the gay-rights movement to the next level in terms of activism and visibility (not to mention righteous anger). And although some of the original police officers involved have individually expressed their remorse over the years, yesterday the NYPD issued a formal apology:
The city’s police commissioner, James O’Neill, made the remarks during a safety briefing related to World Pride, which is being celebrated in New York this month.
“I think it would be irresponsible to go through World Pride month and not to speak of the events at the Stonewall Inn in June of 1969,” O’Neill said.
“I do know what happened should not have happened. The actions taken by the NYPD were wrong, plain and simple. The actions and the laws were discriminatory and oppressive, and for that, I apologize.”
Well…okay. But don’t do it again or you're grounded.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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