There it sits. A little red dot at the top of your Facebook feed. Like a little thorn in your side. It’ll be there until you do... something about it.
Someone who you haven’t seen, heard, or even thought of in nearly 40 years has asked you to be his (or her) Facebook “friend.”
And now that little dot sits there--like that obstinate customer in front of you who won’t leave the supermarket checkout line-- until you “confirm,” “deny” or “delete” it. But unlike that customer, yes, you acknowledge to yourself, as you must, you do actually know this person. They are not a complete stranger. They’re not trying to transfer a large sum of foreign currency if you will only provide your bank account number. You have a basic sense of who they are and where they’re from.
You wonder, what could have possibly motivated this. You wonder, what in the world is this person thinking.
I'm feelin' so good right now
There's a handsome boy tells me how I changed his past
He buys me a brandy
But could it be he's really just after my ass?
Pete Townshend, “How Many Friends.”
Life is a long haul. It’s nice—and part of life-- to make acquaintances over the years. But really, were we biologically intended to keep “in touch” with people who, although they may have shared a small part of that journey with us, and although we were on friendly enough terms, way back when, we never really associated with “friendship,” but rather, perhaps, just someone we passed in the high school hallway, or shared office space with? While we were preoccupied with planning to do something...well, with our real “friends?”
Is it really healthy for our emotional well-being to be exposed to and follow the lives of such people—who might normally have passed quickly enough through our lives--in perpetuity?
The people who we never spent more than a few minutes of our free time with because...we had our own lives to live at the time and our own interests—as we assume they did as well.
And then you start to wonder… Am I being too harsh about this? Maybe those few minutes a day we spent together made a real difference to that person? Maybe there was some conversation or moment that I have forgotten in the fog of memory? Do I owe it to them to at least consider what they’re feeling? Or maybe, this just some kind of a “networking” effort on their part?
And if that’s it, would I possibly interested in whatever they have to offer? Or trade?
But then you think: wait, it’ s probably not “networking.” Unless this person went to the Tony Robbins School of networking and you’ve inadvertently become a part of his “Fire Walk” or something. And then you say to yourself, oh please god, no.
So you check his profile. Or her profile. And of course, only the barest details are public that you can see. But you know once you accept this “friend request” you’ll be deluged with whatever it is that he or she considers worth “posting.” And he or she will be exposed to your life, your thoughts, your friends and values, every positive thing you have to say about yourself, every picture you treasure, every stray thought that’s gone through your head—as well.
And you may think to yourself, I don’t recall this person as being a particularly interesting individual. But maybe they thought differently about me.
But, then again, he or she may just have changed. Some dramatic life event may have altered their trajectory like that asteroid that Matt Damon or someone like him was able to redirect before it struck the Earth. That person may be completely different than the person you thought you knew, that you think you remember. That person may now be the modern incarnation of Einstein. Or Virginia Woolf. Or Sylvia Plath...but please, let’s hope it’s not her.
Or maybe there’s something more sinister going on. Maybe that person knows about…well, you know...and is about to issue a ransom demand for your life savings. Or just hang the specter of guilt over you for the rest of your life. Hey, it could happen!
Or maybe there’s been something terrible that occurred in his or her life and he/she has no one to talk to and is desperate to connect. Maybe they’re just terribly lonely. Something may have happened and for some reason they are now reaching out, for whatever reason, to you.
And maybe you want to connect. But maybe you don’t. Maybe you’ve reasoned that the human species is only designed to provide that degree of intimacy on a limited basis. Or, on the other hand, maybe your capacity for such empathy and understanding is bigger than that. Maybe it’s boundless. Or maybe it’s circumscribed by events.
It’s a just a little red dot, after all.
How many friends have I really got?
You can count 'em on one hand
How many friends have I really got?
How many friends have I really got?
That love me, that want me, that'll take me as I am?
Pete Townshend, “How Many Friends?”
And then you’re forced to think—and forced is the right word, because let’s face it, were it not for the superhuman tech wizards in Silicon Valley sitting in their modern, open-air office spaces in their jeans and T-shirts, tossing paper airplanes back and forth, you’d never have to deal with this—what happens if I refuse?
Will that person suffer a complete nervous breakdown? Will he/she think terribly of me for the rest of my days? And will I stay awake at night thinking about that? Will they? What happens if we see each other again on the street?
Is that person ready to do something drastic if I don’t respond? Am I to be hated, despised, for my refusal? And should I worry about any of this? Why?
It certainly seems easier to click “yes.” That’s the route of least possible conflict, right? And then you can just ignore them if you want, right? Or don’t ignore them, if you choose.
What a brilliant solution that is. You can see a lot of hard thought went into that.
And that may be enough for them. Because everyone is on such an even keel, aren’t they? Even though the markers of their lives that people post on Facebook tend to only show us the best of themselves, right? Does anyone ever post anything really, harrowingly, negative about themselves?
Well maybe a few have. We know how they turned out. I think maybe I saw it on YouTube, once.
Or, then again, it may not be enough for them.
And once again, you wonder, why is this person asking you to be their “friend,” again?
It's all like a dream you know
When you're still up early in the morning
And you all sit together to watch the sun come through
But things don't look so good
When you could use a bit of warning
Then you know that no-one will ever speak the truth about you
How many friends have I really got...
That love me, that want me, that'll take me as I am?
