Today in Psychology Today there was a discussion about Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, a likely subset of social anxiety disorder that might become a diagnosis in the next version of the DSM.
Normally I'm opposed to the DSM's creating new psychiatric diagnoses out of thin air, but in this case it might make sense.
Extreme rejection sensitivity is found in social anxiety, depression, general anxiety; and borderline, histrionic and narcissistic personality disorders... but all those other conditions have one or more features more important and significant than rejection sensitivity. When rejection sensitivity is the most important feature of someone's emotional turmoil, it makes sense to look at it in isolation.
Here is my response to that article:
It seems as if the default mode in relationships is rejection. Especially in dating and hiring.
For three reasons, it seems safer to have low expectations for your efforts being reciprocated.
1: It hurts worse to be optimistic and then have that be dashed-- it sends the message that your good feelings and instincts about a possible new relationship are not accurate.
2. Strong social taboo against being entitled. If we have too high expectations, we come across as feeling entitled to reciprocation, something that's not in our power to receive.
3. The messages we receive about boundaries discourage us from perseverance. Rejection is silently implied to be forever, because the advice after being rejected is always to move on-- forget about the one fish that said no, look for other fish that may say yes. It's considered a boundary violation to treat relational rejection as anything but "one and done"-- and that goes double for hiring.
It makes sense, then, to be a little pessimistic about the prospect of receiving love and favor from others. You have plenty of control over how much love you give!-- but making life plans based on receiving love from others is a fool's errand. No amount of force, charm, or behaving in an exemplary fashion is guaranteed to get others to favor you.
Live life as if you'll never get any acceptance from others. Then if they do accept you, you can be pleasantly surprised and savor your luck.
So the main task is, how do you keep this healthy pessimism from tipping over into RSD? I don't know.
But we can implement changes to society such as universal basic income, low-cost mental health care, and a more welcoming community; so that our livelihoods and emotional health are not left up to the tender mercies of relationship selection.
We are optimistic about achieving goals that require a relationship to fulfill. We muse about our beautiful weddings, our adorable future children, our high-powered jobs, our becoming beloved and inspirational figures in our communities.
Perhaps that optimism is misplaced. For at the end of the day, we have no control over someone else's decision to favor us.
Putting our faith in being favored by others is dangerous. In our free-market economic system, our livelihoods essentially depend on being chosen, being liked by some benevolent employer who gifts us with a great job. Or we gamble our emotional health on the likelihood that a nuclear family will provide all its needs; and whatever needs don't get met, there's always a higher power.
What if all that isn't enough?
What if the very same nuclear family that's supposed to nourish us, has strings attached in the form of coercion and manipulation?
Jobs should certainly not be thought of as gifts from a friendly boss-godparent. What if all the desperate selling of ourselves to be chosen, "bought" in this talent marketplace, doesn't do much for making us better workers, and brings us little but anxiety?
And what if even the higher power has a fundamental inability to love us without conditions?
If the future DSM6 does end up adding Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria to its roster, we need to be extra careful not to let it become the next "throw pills at it" condition. Because it's actually somewhat of a rational response to a world that puts so much at stake on being chosen by others.
Not only is literally every endeavor involving a team subject to these "market pressures", relationships are still seen as rewards-- for being attractive, for being fun, for being pleasant, for having good timing. We don't want to admit the fickle hands of luck and serendipity, in something so important.
It's time for universal basic income and a strong commons. It's time for the broadest possible definition of family.
Because making a living, making friends, and making something of yourself are too important to leave up to serendipity.