From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
What Made Trump Look Like An Even Bigger Jackass in July
Last month's record-breaking contribution to Bullshit Mountain:
India
Sweden
Article 2
"Alcaida"
The kidney
Al Sharpton
Mick Jagger
His "sir" tell
Bette Midler
Michelle Obama
"Fort McHendry"
His blatant racism
The Baltimore Sun
The Sherman tanks
"Lost Trump History"
His "very fine people"
"George Wyth…W-I-T-H"
The private prison system
His white-supremacist base
His "send her back" cultists
The Independence Day panic
The Federal Reserve chairman
The Lord's name he took in vain
These 148 former Obama staffers
The drone that ignored his warnings
This is only the tip of the assberg. The rest of it can be seen at the bottom of today’s column. If you get bored with all the winning before then, feel free to skip it and donate a little something to your favorite Democratic candidate instead.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold...[Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, August 1, 2019
Note: "You got your avocado in my toast!" "Well YOU got your toast in my avocado!" [Brief pause] "Heyyyy….dis ish tashty. Evweebody twy some now!"
—This note paid for by National Avocado Toast Freedom PAC
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Christmas: 146
Days 'til the Wyoming State Fair: 12
Percent of women who blame Trump and the Democrats, respectively, more for the lack of civility in politics today, according to a Quinnipiac poll: 53%, 29%
Percent of Democrats/Independents and Republicans, respectively, who think Congress should pass more laws to protect the 2020 elections from foreign interference: 71%, 34%
Current ocean temperature off the coast of Portland, Maine: 69F
Number of years that Elton John has been clean and sober: 29
Speed at which a bison can run, according to the park ranger I just saw on TV: 30mph
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
So, now all we know about John Roberts is that he has nice manners and is being managed by a bunch of morons---and he's willing to say what they spin for him. Then we start getting the record. He's defended the often violent Operation Rescue.
He went to Florida to advise Jeb Bush during the 2000 election recount. Other Federalists, Timothy Flanigan (who's now in confirmation hearings for deputy attorney general) and Ted Olson (who became solicitor general of the United States) signed onto the brief to convince the Supremes to stop the count in Florida and install Bush. It's all classic, right-wing judicial activism—the very "activism" they complain about if it doesn't fit their radical agenda.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: C&J’s lab mix Haley just isn’t very good at getting the hang of this Hide ‘n Seek game…
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CHEERS to August. The dog days. (See above.) The month everybody, not just Congress, should be allowed to take off for vacation. (Right, France?) The month everyone wears out their whites because they know Labor Day's just around the corner. The 13th is the high Trumpian holiday known as "Blame Someone Else Day" and the next 31 days will also see National Raspberry Cream Pie Day, Watermelon Day, Ice Cream Sandwich Day, Mustard Day, Potatoe (I prefer the Dan Quayle spelling) Day, Cherry Popsicle Day and Trail Mix Day, to be followed on September 1st with "Honey, Where Did We Put The Treadmill?" Day.
August movies are headed up by the Melissa McCarthy mafia movie The Kitchen, a new Fast & Furious flick (the last one was surprisingly great), the climate-crisis wake-up call Aquarela, and keep your eye out for an indie gem with a stellar cast called The Peanut Butter Falcon. Loni Anderson and I (but, sadly, not fellow Leo Neil Armstrong, except in spirit) blow out our birthday candles on the 5th, a day after Barack Obama turns a still-youthful 58. Of course, it's also the month in which you never want to introduce a bogus war based on lies to the public, but there'll be plenty of bloodshed around the world all the same. Cosmically speaking, on August 15 you'll see a full moon (sadly, no eclipses this month) and a meteor could strike at any moment so keep that cast-iron skillet strapped to your head. And on top of that, the 25 (26?) Democratic candidates will continue their mad dash for the brass ring as Trump escalates his scorched-earth presidency under the loving gaze of Mitch McConnell and the Russian government that repaid him for his treason with a lovely new aluminum plant on Kentucky. Plus humanity will continue destroying the planet at a record pace. Oh, for the good old days when August used to be boring.
CHEERS to brevity. I watched Round 2 of Democratic primary debate #2 in Detroit (properly pronounced day-TWAH) last night, and am now the proud owner of several notebooks filled with my instant reactions to the event. If you'd like to read them all, please send me a self-addressed, stamped crate that can hold 300 pounds of notebooks, along with $1 million for processing and handling. Or, if you'd just like the CliffsNotes version, here you go:
What the…???
Who came up with that lousy argument?
Finally, someone says it.
He seems likable enough. But that hair and those slacks!
Good point. No, great point!
Kicks ball into own goal!!!
Quit changing the subject.
Moderators: SHUT. UP. AND. LET. THEM. FINISH. A. SENTENCE.
Put that on a bumper sticker!
Oh, nicely played.
Oops, twitter disagrees.
Eggs, milk, bread, ice cream dammit wrong notebook
So glad they're allowing judo chops during this debate
It's over. Undisputed champs: him, her, him, her, her, him, him, and especially the guy who wants to send me $1,000 a month for life. (And that better be tax-free, bub.)
That was fun. Now stay tuned for debate #3—on ABC and Univision—which happens September 12 and 13 in Houston. Free tip for the Democratic dais dwellers: don’t forget to say the city's name like the locals or you'll be rode out on a rail: it's pronounced "yeeee-HAW."
JEERS to the wilting season. How hot was July here in Portland, Maine? Hotter than Louie Gohmert's dendrites when he's trying to remember how to tie his shoes. Hotter than Trump's tits when he's face-down on a tanning bed. Hotter than a toaster inside a microwave inside a convection oven dangling over Mount Doom by Louie Gohmert's dendrites when he's trying to remember how to untie his shoes. This hot:
This month will go down as not only the warmest July on record in Portland, but also the warmest month on record. […]
It's interesting how we're setting this record, because it hasn't been remarkably hot, with the exception of the weekend in the middle of the month. […] [W]e've been consistently warm, a vast majority of the days a few degrees above average. The nights have been much above average, however. […]
Our two warmest summers on record are 2016 and 2018. Now we're setting a record for the warmest month, just one year later. Warmer and more humid summers are a symptom of our changing climate.
On the bright side, we're just a few years away from being able to local source all the ingredients for coconut cream pie. And that's good eatin'.
JEERS to today's edition of Well, I Guess HE Ain't Gonna End Up on Mount Rushmore Now. Courtesy of The Atlantic:
The day after the United Nations voted to recognize the People’s Republic of China, then–California Governor Ronald Reagan phoned President Richard Nixon at the White House and vented his frustration at the delegates who had sided against the United States.
“Last night, I tell you, to watch that thing on television as I did,” Reagan said. … “To see those, those monkeys from those African countries—damn them, they’re still uncomfortable wearing shoes!”
This has been today's edition of Well, I Guess HE Ain't Gonna End Up on Mount Rushmore Now.
CHEERS to remembering that time when the Republicans were awesome!!! Yup—five years ago this week the House Intelligence Committee released the findings of their Benghazi investigation. And just like Trey Gowdy's "select committee" sideshow, what they found was a whole lotta nothin'…
…there was no deliberate wrongdoing by the Obama administration in the 2012 attack on the U.S. Consulate in Benghazi, Libya, that killed Ambassador Chris Stevens and three other Americans, said Rep. Mike Thompson of St. Helena, the second-ranking Democrat on the committee.
The panel voted Thursday to declassify the report, the result of two years of investigation by the committee. U.S. intelligence agencies will have to approve making the report public. Thompson said the report "confirms that no one was deliberately misled, no military assets were withheld and no stand-down order (to U.S. forces) was given."
As Joan McCarter noted five years ago, Gowdy swore on a stack of Brylcreem that his committee's investigation—quoting here—"would be an objective search for facts, not a partisan attempt to smear Democrats ahead of the 2014 mid-term elections and the 2016 presidential race." And since his lips were moving at the time, naturally he was lying. If they weren't so busy with their 101 investigations into Trump, I'd suggest that House Democrats oughtta demand a select committee investigation into the select committee's investigation, and conduct it at an appropriate venue: under a circus tent.
CHEERS to the wondrous world of astronomical wondery. Did you see the "black moon" last night? If you said yes, I say "J'ccuse!!!" You can't "see" a black moon because it's invisible. Invisible, and unusual…
A black moon is basically the second new moon of the month, something that rarely occurs. It works similarly to a Leap Year. A lunar cycle typically takes about 29 days to complete, but our months are slightly longer. So sometimes, about every 32 months, we happen to get two full moons or two new moons. The second full moon in a month is called a blue moon, and the second new moon is called a black moon.
When he heard about last night's black moon, President Trump immediately took to twitter to condemn Congressman Elijah Cummings and Rev. Al Sharpton for allowing it to become a vermin-infested hellhole.
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Ten years ago in C&J: August 1, 2009
JEERS to dashing through the heat and humidity in a one-sunroof open SUV. Don’t be surprised if you see Bill O'Reilly starting the war on the War on Christmas a little early this year. The economy "forced" stores like Sears and Kmart to officially launch their holiday shopping season this month. For the first time in his life, Santa's biggest problem isn't unruly children peeing in his lap...it's heatstroke.
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And just one more…
JEERS to more of Mr. Maniac’s manure. As promised, here’s the bottom half of this month’s record-breaking list of people and things that made Trump look like an even bigger jackass in July:
This photoshopped presidential seal
His former Ambassador to the U.N.
His idiot Sunday morning surrogates
His totally not broken TelePrompTer
Fellow sexual predator Jeffrey Epstein
His new SecDef's "Infantroopen" badge
His dumb daughter…er, "senior adviser"
His predator-enabling Secretary of Labor
His crackpot-filled "social media summit"
The “Lights for Liberty” marches and vigils
His Quixotic obsession with the Nobel Prize
"The Squad" (Reps. Pressley, Omar, Tlaib and AOC)
2020 GOP convention city Charlotte, North Carolina
The weather-controlling gays, feminists, and pagans
The airports George Washington took from Cornwallis
The foreign models reading scripts in his campaign ads
Sorry about the smell. Goes with the territory.
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
“People in the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool are very happy that I’m bringing out the fact that it’s like splashing in Hell.”
—President Trump
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