William Southold | Opinion Columnist |The Southold Report
“Speaking fiction to power one story at a time.”
Veritas Per Ficta!
I am thinking of pulling off the perfect crime. What would that be? For me, it would have to be something expressly nonviolent, perhaps something unnoticed by anyone other than my closest friends and family (and perfectly understood and forgiven by them) yet be significant enough to receive the adjudication of house arrest that would exactly coincide with my accrued vacation time from CNS. Yes, that would about cover it.
What would be an example? I couldn’t tell you. I repeat, I am only in the “thinking” stage on this one. If any of you would care to offer suggestions I would certainly welcome them.
I am mainly thinking about how I would endure my justly deserved sentence.
For instance, my wife might say, “Darling, would you mind running up to the market? We’re getting low on half and half.”
Of course my response would be to hike up my trouser leg and rattle my ankle monitor at her.
Or, maybe she would suggest we take a little vacation, drop in on her mother up in New York’s Lake Country. I would probably prop my shoe up on my desk and pull down my trouser leg for that one.
“Sorry hon, no can do. But why don’t you go, I’m sure it’s just lovely this time of year up at the cabin.”
Yes. House arrest. That’s what I’ve been dreaming of. I’ve already checked out the latest Netflix specials that will be coming out, and I just registered for a free week of BritBox. I love the British detective series, but never have had time to really indulge in them. So much less horror and gore than the typical American series, I love the ones that historically recreate an accurate portrayal of events. Have you ever seen Foyle’s War? Amazing. I am normally not a binger, but I would give it my best if I discovered a new season of that one.
Yes, a vacation for my wife, combined with a not too snug ankle monitor. That would be just the thing to round off this summer.
So why all the subterfuge, why not just take the bull by the horns and make all this happen? And why be confined to home during your free time, when the world offers so much to see and experience?
My answer here is twofold. There is a certain serenity that comes from just accepting the consequences of your own actions, especially if they turn out to be exactly what one has been dreaming of. And as far as travel is concerned, as I have grown (groan) older, my bladder has not only picked up on my curmudgeonly outlook, it has become more Pavlovian, responding to any bathroom in sight. Familiarity has its own rewards. Not to mention the pause button on my remote.
Yes, dreams can be addictive. I think I need a nap.
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