From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
"At least someone with a good hair job…"
Jimmy Kimmel went down to the farmer's market to find out who kids think should be the next president. Thankfully, no demand for a second term of the racist-in-chief:
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C&J reminds you that it’s not nice to call the president a toddler, as this is an insult. To toddlers.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, August 7, 2019
Note: Oh fiddle dee dee. Don’t you hate it when you get distracted, and before you know it the burning fuse has already gone under the neighbor's porch? Oh well...everyone carries dynamite insurance, right?
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til elections for Virginia House of Delegates and Senate seats: 90
Days 'til the 28th Seattle Hempfest: 9
Jobs added in July, a disappointing number: 164,000
Increased spending at bars and restaurants over the past year: 4.2%
Maximum percent of what they've heard over the past few days that the typical person can actually remember: 20%
Rate at which people can comfortably process words: 500 per minute
Rate at which people tend to speak, leaving a lot of room for, as marketing guru Jack Trout calls it, "mental fidgeting": 120-150 per minute
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 184 (including 4 volcanoes and 1 Deep State asset posing as innocent TV host Ellen DeGeneres). Soul Protection Factor 16 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Today's lesson in meteorology 101…
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CHEERS to being bored with all the winning. I know that political polls and a few bucks will buy you little more than a cup of coffee, but it's still nice to see the latest numbers from Morning Consult showing that the dotard behind the curtain is far from secure in his bid for a second carnage-filled term. These numbers are the average for the month of July, and MC's conclusion is: "President Trump remains underwater in key battleground states":
Wisconsin
41% approval, 55% disapproval
Michigan
42% approval, 54% disapproval
Iowa
43% approval, 54% disapproval
Pennsylvania
45% approval, 52% disapproval
Arizona
45% approval, 52% disapproval
Ohio
45% approval, 51% disapproval
C'mon, America, you can do it. Just hold his head under for just another 15 months and we might get out of this thing alive. But someone go sit on his legs—he's a squirmer.
JEERS to boom-booming business as usual. Down in Texas, home of the second-most-recent white-supremacist terrorist massacre, the Republican-controlled state government has swung into action to clamp down on lax gun laws and bring some sanity to Lone Star country. By which I mean they're 24 days away from, you guessed it, making the situation as lax as possible:
As the shattered community in El Paso, Texas, reels in wake of the nation’s seventh deadliest mass shooting on Saturday, which left 22 people dead, the state is gearing up for an overhaul of several gun laws in just a few weeks’ time. […]
From Sept. 1, it will be even easier to carry guns in Texas churches, schools, apartment buildings and disaster zones.… Under the new legislation, Texas will have fewer gun-free zones. Landlords will have no power to prevent tenants or their guests from carrying a firearm. Churches, synagogues and other places of religious worship will be removed from the list of prohibited locations for carrying a firearm.
None of the 10 bills passed would have had any direct effects to prevent the El Paso tragedy.
Just in case you're wondering: no, the 'G'in GOP doesn't stand for "genius."
JEERS to America the Gullible. Fool us once: On August 7, 1964, Congress passed the Gulf of Tonkin Resolution, giving President Johnson a big fat stick to wield while dealing with reported North Vietnamese attacks on U.S. forces. It was all crap—the attacks never happened but we bought it anyway. Fool us twice: four decades later George W. Bush did virtually the same thing by ginning up bullshit documents and other phony evidence to concoct a bogus case for invading Iraq, but we (well, not we we but they we) bought it anyway. Lesson learned: our wars need to come with a stronger refund policy.
JEERS to previews of coming cataclysms. Got plans for the weekend? I'm not saying you should cancel them, but you might think about strapping a cast-iron pot on top of your head:
Yes, there's an asteroid bigger than the Empire State building passing by Earth.
Asteroid 2006 QQ23 is scheduled to zoom by Earth on August 10 and, at an estimated diameter of up to 1,870 feet, it's easy to see why people are worried.
If something the size of Asteroid 2006 QQ23 hit Earth, it could devastate a statewide area.
The Trump administration says it's sending Mike Pence up in a pressurized Space Force bumper car to nudge the asteroid, which NASA says has a zero chance of hitting earth, into a new trajectory as a hail-Mary election ploy. And that can only mean one thing: lots of thoughts and prayers on Sunday morning for the giant smoking chasm that used to be the Dakotas.
CHEERS to honoring our casualties. On August 7, 1782, George Washington created the Purple Heart, a decoration bestowing honor on soldiers wounded during their service to our country. The recipient, said Washington, "has given of his blood in the defense of his homeland and shall forever be revered by his fellow countrymen." It only took Republicans 222 years to dishonor, tarnish and abuse it at the 2004 Republican convention as a way to mock John Kerry's own Purple Hearts (and another 13 for trump to carry on the tradition):
John Kerry became our globe-trottiest Secretary of State—the most distinguished member of the president's cabinet who, among other things, achieved the impossible by successfully negotiating a multi-nation nuclear-limitation agreement with Iran. (Trump pulled out of it, but we'll rejoin it on January 20, 2021 when a Democrat wins back the White House.) The pre-tea party teabaggers who so callously wore those Purple Heart band-aids are now walking billboards for Absorbine Jr and Life Alert bracelets. Sorry…no medals for wounds sustained while engaging in combat with your prostate at 3am, Gramps.
JEERS to travel headaches. A mission to Mars in search of more helium for our birthday balloons is still on NASA's drawing board, and among the concerns on their pre-flight checklist is the effect on the human body of long-term giant leaping for humankind. On that front, a new study published in eNeuro suggests that among the issues that would likely affect our astronauts are impairments in learning and memory, pre-frontal cortex and hippocampus damage, and lack of ability to make sound decisions on even trivial issues. To prepare for the experience by observing the warning signs firsthand, the crew will spend several months as Oval Office interns.
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Ten years ago in C&J: August 7, 2009
CHEERS to 3:13pm. That's the time at which Senator Al Franken confirmed yesterday that the Upper Chamber had voted 68-31 (Maine Senators Snowe and Collins both voted "Aye") to approve the nomination of wise Latina Sonia Sotomayor as America's next Associate Justice of the Supreme Court. I wonder if the Hispanic community noticed:
At the moment of Sonia Sotomayor's confirmation as the first Hispanic on the Supreme Court, Carmen Garcia cried, hard.
She was one of several women at the FB Lounge in New York City's Spanish Harlem who saw in Sotomayor's life story a version of her own, or her parents'. For many of the nation's Hispanics, Sotomayor's confirmation marked a proud milestone---an affirmation of their struggles and hard work, an inspiration for them and their children.
Awesome. And let us not forget that it's also a victory for the diabetic community, which has a new role model in a very high place. And the members of the Perry Mason Fan Club? They'll be walkin' around with hangovers for a week.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the badass birthday boy. He may have appeared a little shaky in front of those twin House hearings last month, but Robert Mueller's gruff confirmation of the details in his report, which failed to result in Trump indictments only because he's supposedly protected by his office, resulted in over half of House Democrats openly calling for an impeachment inquiry. And that ain't exactly chopped liver. Plus, his investigation did result in dozens of indictments and some arrests, not to mention spin-off investigations that he handed off to other bureaus. So, for a lifetime of nabbing bad guys, we say "Happy 75th birthday and many blessings on your subpoena power" to Robert S. Mueller III. This guy…
In his honor, today in the C&J cafeteria we’re serving slabs of rusty nail cake topped with arrest-warrant frosting. His favorite.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
Democrats want to have their Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool and splash in it too
—Vanity Fair
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