Last night I found myself outflanked by Agent 45 minions. They engaged me. And when it was over, they were hopping mad and I walked out the door laughing.
My local gym, where I practice my hydraulic therapy is normally a bastion of liberal minded folks. That’s why I go there. Most of us can talk in comfort about the days head spinning ridiculousness without fear of having to confront anyone laden with Faux News “Facts”. Those folk tend to keep their mouths shut around us. But last night, there must have been a plan to ambush us pansy liberals and tell us how great everything is in America right now. They had no idea that I have been in boot camp polishing my “Socialist” chops longer than they’ve been paying attention to what’s going on.
The battle began with the opening salvo aimed at welfare queens, and how everybody is lazy and scamming the system. This came from an actual friend and I know he lives in section 8 housing. I’ve loaned him money on several occasions and buy him beers when needed. Normally our biggest conflict is when he tries to defend his New England Patriots from the rest of us football fans. I listened and tried to understand where he was coming from. Once he had charged forward with his reasoning far enough to expose all ways he was wrong, I countered. In the end, he couldn’t tell me of one person he knew that was receiving benefits that wasn’t old, infirm or addled in some way. He was mad that he had to cede the point that maybe most people accepting help from the federal government were in his shoes and not criminal masterminds out to live the high life in crappy living conditions, eating junk food and never going to Disneyworld.
Alas, as I was just getting settled in on the high ground, to irregulars piped up. Evidently, they thought our conversation was interesting enough that they should start lobbing Hannity produced talking points in my direction. Oh dear lord, didn’t you just see what happened to a guy I actually like?
The one on my right flank declared himself a true believer by asking me what I thought of all the great accomplishments tRump has made as president. Holy shit, this guy actually thinks the tweets are true!
“Like what? His only major legislative victory was passing tax cut to corporations, thereby increasing your tax burden? Which had the only effect of letting these corporations buy back their own stock, keeping the economy from finally correcting itself and going into a recession?”
This left him a little taken back. As he took some time to compose himself, the left flank spoke up.
“If only the Democrats would stop blocking everything he’s trying to do.” FFS, this guy only watches Fox.
“How can they block anything when tRump had majorities in the House and Senate for two years? They could have passed anything they wanted.”
I knew instantly he had never spoken with a political junkie. His silence allowed the right to reload and fire again.
“What about the wall and the tariffs against China?” Dude, if those are his accomplishments, this is going to be a quick conversation.
“You mean the wall that he promised time and again that Mexico would pay for and he’s now using military medical benefits to pay for a couple miles on wall that won’t keep anyone out? Or how he’s trying to reroute funding from other agencies that breaks the rules of the constitution by going against what congress had budgeted the money for?” Anytime you bring up the constitution, it makes them blink. Leaving me for the easier victory. “As for the tariffs that he thinks China is paying for, it’s clear he doesn’t understand how they work. How can he use tariffs effectively when he doesn’t know what they are? Because of the tariffs, China is no longer buying our crops, breaking farmers. Then tRump has to pay them 17 billion last year to keep them happy. Do you like your tax dollars going to rescue farmers who should have been able to make their own money, but China is now buying from other countries like Brazil? How does that help us?”
By this point they knew they were not on strategically advantageous ground. My left fell silent. He would have to go on the defensive. My right, clearly used to browbeating anyone who disagreed with him, was confused that his Limbaugh style wasn’t standing up to my Carville strategy. There was only one course of action left to him, go low.
“Your just another liberal that hates guns.” This is Arizona knucklehead. You think that ridiculous brushstroke can touch me?
“I used to hunt. I just might have more firearms than you. I was a teen who took NRA training courses, back when they cared more about safety and education than accepting millions from Russian nationals.” He should have known better than to assume I’m not a country redneck from rural Arizona. Look around you. We all grew up this way.
To show him I was no shrinking violet, I took the offensive.
“tRump is the only president who has uttered the idea of taking anyone’s guns away. But he was talking about black folks in the cities. That’s as un-American as it gets.” Yup, I opened up the racist front. If he’s going to defend tRump from that soggy quagmire, I have him surrounded.
“How many innocent Americans were summarily executed this year by people who are parroting his racism?”
“There’s been mass shootings during every president’s term.” Ha! Whataboutism is the next to last foxhole of argument he has. Everybody does it is next. I’ll be prepared for that one.
“This is the first President that has openly advocated for violence against American citizens. Do you think it’s acceptable to offer to pay the legal fees for someone who’s beats up somebody based on their beliefs? What about demonizing poor unarmed peasants, who want nothing but to escape their harsh lives? What about them makes you so scared that you have to build walls and try to use the military on American soil to stop what you call an invasion? That got 22 people killed just this week.”
He was pissed at this point. But I will give him credit. He realized he was in public and everything he wanted to say was going to make him look like the slimiest P.O.S. in the bar. And his girlfriend was bartending.
“The guy in Dayton was a liberal!” Oh, good. The left side has now rejoined the fight.
“Up until 2 hours ago, I have not read one report that says he was anything but a woman hating scumbag who was into to grindporn. There’s only one party in America that tries to tell women what they can do with their bodies, who wants to keep legislation from passing that guarantees equal pay or defends the likes of Brett Kavanaugh and Roy Moore. If that guy was a liberal then to hell with him, he doesn’t represent a single value that the left holds.”
And that was the end of the battle. Who can defend racism, sexism and economic slavery for very long? They stopped talking to me and tried to find comfort in sharing the latest elephant meme’s between each other as they paid their bills and tried to leave. I had had my two beers and already paid. I stuck around to see the look on their faces as they realized they had no ammo left. No strength of arms. No chance to win this war for America’s soul.
The bartender, who is rather new, says “Great, now when I go home he’s gonna be pissed.”
I was sorry about that. But it’s about time they’re the ones feeling bad. I walked out the door laughing.