My life seems to have devolved into a pretty small pattern. Wake up, stumble to the computer, put in 8 or 9 hours, log off and then read. When I say stumble to the computer it is just that. A short walk filled with the chance of hitting the ground. something that has been happening more and more lately. So I went off to the doctor to see what was up. Hitting the ground is not sometime I was used to doing nor is it something I enjoy doing. Heck no it hurts a lot !!! Turns out I have new bone spurs growing into my nerves at L3, 4 and 5. That also explains the fun fact that my pain has been going up, ( Along with my weight ) So I decided on the slow approach to fixing this. No quick trip to the Neurosurgeon and a nice painful Myelogram for me ! Nope ! Instead I figured hey why not do some Aqua-Therapy. That helps plus I lose some weight plus I get to go swimming. Kind of nice win win win for ME ! NOPE of freaking course not. Dang insurance will not cover Aqua-Therapy anymore. But instead of just denying it so I can appeal it etc. It is a covered benefit, but they refuse to pay the only code that is in existence to bill for it. Makes you want to scream !!! So I decide to go ahead on my own and use our apartment complex’s pool. Too bad it is only open from 11 am til 8 pm. If it is not closed because the guard called out sick. Then I have to compete for room with kids going nuts without adult supervision because of course the parents are at work and Jr can just go swimming for most of the day. Jeez so much fun ! Bonus our city has decided to keep all of the public pools closed this year due to budget shortfalls. UGH I can’t get a freaking break. So now trying to decide on the next course of action. Go with the wonderfully painful Myelogram and possible surgery etc or keep trying to find 2 feet of clear space to do Aqua-Therapy on my own.
Back to my routine. When I said I log off and read it is just that. PCs all get turned off and I head to either the bed or my recliner to lay down and read. ( Once in a while maybe a movie ) By the end of my work day I am beat. I have no energy left to do even the basics around the house so I lay back and read and read some more. Usually I will fall asleep by 6:30 or 7:30 pm and get crappy sleep until I have to get up and go back to work at 5 am. Weekends are FUN time !!! More like catch up on house work stuff and laundry ( though not much of either as too much and I am hurting so badly I chance missing work on Monday. ) Throw in grocery shopping ( Thank God for Kroger’s Click List and Walmart’s version as well. ) and it is time for work again on Monday. I went out the last 2 weekends for events my friends were having. That truly sucked. Not the going and talking etc. but the aftermath of PAIN ! PAIN ! And yet more PAIN !. I want a vacation from PAIN. Hell I would sell my soul for 2 weeks pain free. I am tired of it. Tired of not being able to do stuff with my friends. Tired of not being able to do stuff I love to do. Tired of trading 1 day of fun for 3 or 4 of MORE PAIN !! Why do I even keep fighting all of this when my quality of life SUCKS ? What do I have to look forward to in the future when the present sucks this bad ? No I am not suicidal just TIRED. it is like the crap just keeps flowing. (Yes I know that is life but once in a long while some nice shit would be good !)
Living with chronic pain is never much fun. Seems like most of the people around us have varied opinions on what that means. They also have varied opinions on what will “FIX” us. Everything from diets, to God to the latest supposed medical miracle cure will fix you. Then we have the real fun people who insist it is ”all in our heads” and we just need to ignore it and get on with our lives. Throw in our politicians who think they can legislate pain away and make medical decisions with no medical background and you get our world. We live in a world where our friends and relatives tell us our pain doesn’t matter, those who denigrate our very real struggles to get through 1 day and then the next. You get judgments from those in the medical profession, even peripherally, like pharmacy techs who judge us for being dependent upon strong opioids to get through the day to those who refuse to treat us because they believe we are faking it to get drugs. So many negative stereotypes are thrown at us it is amazing we can ever be happy.
Funny too how we have to give up so much which has made us happy in the past. No more golfing outings, no more fun trips to amusement parks. (Even if I could go on the roller coasters again the amount of walking would kill me lol. ) No more gardening with all its bending and twisting and lifting. No more trips to the theater to see a new movie. Nope I get to wait till it comes out on Blu ray or DVD and order it through Amazon or Netflix. No more dinners out. Not sure which is worse restaurant seating or movie theater seating. Neither is fun after just a few minutes. Even taking a nice drive is out if it is longer than 15 to 30 minutes. No more camping, fishing and definitely no more deer hunting. ( I only took 1 deer a year if I even got 1 with a bow and ate the meat. ) No more flea markets. Going to family events can be cancelled at the last moment due to high pain levels no matter how much I want to go. Heck even though I love my job and work from home there are days when I can’t work due to the pain. Then we have the stuff we HAVE to do like laundry, grocery shopping and cleaning. Yeah no one really likes doing this stuff and I HATE it because of how much it hurts, even cooking hurts and I love to cook. My apartment looks like a disaster area with Amazon and Walmart boxes needing a trip to the dumpster. I have a new writing table I got to put my crock pot and other kitchen items on ( lack of counter space is 1 downside to apartment living lol. ) that is still only half put together with the top on the floor next to me at the moment. I can laugh at this stuff to myself but it hurts. Would love to get a maid to come in and lend a hand but that is just out of the picture money wise. (Also afraid they would run screaming from the mess lol. ) At least changing the sheets got easier since I got an air mattress I use on top of my normal one. I just rotate it to get all the corners on. Dropping stuff sucks as I had broken my grabber ( got a new one finally lol ) so it lay there until I could bend down to get it and that was never right away.
One huge thing I should count in with the losses is my marriage. Yeah the down side no one really talks about with chronic pain, the loss of intimacy. The fact that we put a lot of pressure on our partners. The fact that we have no energy for sexy times and if we do have the energy we do not have the inclination due to PAIN of course. Then we have the constant doctor appointments, procedures, surgeries etc. Takes a heck of a lot of love and patience to put up with us !
The upside of being single though is pretty nice. I have MONEY ! LOL. Yeah amazing what not spending 300 every 2 weeks for groceries does to your budget. (For 2 freaking people no less. ) I have a decent 1 bedroom apartment. Ground floor which is a must. Unfortunately I have had to move 3 times in the last 2 years. 1st to the apartments, then to another as they started renovating the apartments and finally to this one. It has been renovated (with a jump in rent of course. ) and the only down side is the 4 steps up then down to get to my front door. I was parking on the back side and coming in through the laundry room (no steps and come out right next to my door. ) but they have locked the back door to the laundry room during the winter. I am guessing to keep homeless people from sleeping there. Plus I have gotten a newer car. A 1 year old Kia with just about 12K on the odometer.( The old car literally died on the highway and it was more to fix than it was worth, even with all the $$$ I had put into it.) The new car runs great. It is a Forte 5 which basically means it is a station wagon. Gets great gas mileage. (I fill up like every other month, lol) Still I have been putting some money up and trying to pay all my past medical debt. (What fun that is. JEEZ. ) I was even able to go up and see my parents in 2018 for Thanksgiving and last year for Christmas. (Mom loved that. Everyone made it. All the kids and grandkids. Hoping it is not the last one for her as she is getting up in age. )
Well I think I have covered just about everything. Work is still taking up most of my time and energy. Lately we have had a lot of OT (Yippie, more for my doctors lol. ) Most days I am working 11 hours. Thus of course my pain is worse and my energy levels suck. I am hoping that as the OT goes away (normally should by end of Jan. ) I can maybe get back to reading DK on a more regular basis.
Love and miss all of you !!!!!!!!
Tony