The other day my daughter came back to the house saying she and her friends had had a conversation about privilege, male privilege specifically (I know, kids these days…). In the conversation one of her white male friends asked, “What am I supposed to do, feel guilty about it?” and no one had a good answer.
I think there’s a lot of that going around. Even the most well-meaning white male (raises hand) occasionally feels flummoxed. I want to be a good ally—more simply, I just don’t want to be a jerk. But going around feeling guilty doesn’t seem helpful or even particularly responsive to the problem.
And yet, here’s all this unearned privilege hanging around me like a cloak, or a buff in some D&D role-playing game. (Nerd reference there, the rest of you look it up.) Guys need some way to deal with this in meetings and other interactions that feels authentic and actually ameliorates the problem.
Looking around for a role model to handle this, I realized we have one in our everyday experience. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: the dog.
Have you ever watched a big dog play with a small one? Somehow, without having to be taught, the big dog figures out how to self-handicap so both dogs can play. They lie down or roll over on their back to equalize the height advantage; they go in with little nips instead of using their larger jaws to overwhelm the little dog. Even when they play tug-of-war they don’t use their strength to walk off with the rope.
As so often in life, if you want to be a better person, be more like your dog.
Just like the big dog, if you aren’t conscious and aware of how you use your weight, you are going to roll over people. So you have to actively pay attention. You don’t get to be oblivious. You don’t get to say, “I don’t see race or gender, I just treat everyone the same.” If a big dog plays with all other dogs the same, he’s going to bowl over the smaller ones. That dog is a jerk.
In meetings, you’ve got a larger voice. Notice it. Tamp yourself down a bit, especially when those without your privilege are speaking. Use your voice to create openings for others. “Wait guys, I want to hear what Naomi’s got to say.” Use your voice to amplify theirs when it’s getting drowned out. “I want to emphasize Sam’s point, I think it’s important.” Call yourself out when you find yourself throwing your weight around. “Jane, sorry, I just talked over you. Go ahead.” And make sure contributions are recognized. “So it’s decided this is what we’ll do? Okay. Pat, that was a great idea you had.”
And don’t assume your own perceptions of your behavior are accurate. You may think you’re just taking a strong position. Others just see you yelling. You may think you’re just making sure people understand your point. Others see you soaking up all the airtime. Pay attention and check in with others to get out of your own head.
And guys, this does not make you less of a man, okay? In fact, this is what it means to be a man. There’s nothing more manly than creating a safe space for those who, for whatever reason, have less power in the situation than you do. So leave all that junk right at the door.
It is an immutable fact of the human condition that not being a jerk takes work. Even more so when society has loaded a bunch of privilege on you—then not being a jerk takes hard work. But it’s work that’s very much worth doing.
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If you’re interested in how not to be a jerk in your organization (whatever level of privilege you have), you might be interested in my colleague Karen Holtzblatt’s livestream on The Valuing and Jerk Project. Have a listen! It’s worth it.