From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: Trial of the Century Edition...with Free Tote
"Democrats spent three days laying out in great detail how they believe President Trump has been the most egregious abuser of power in American history. And then Republicans laid out their defense: the shrug emoji."
—Colin Jost, SNL
"Trump is all worked up about Bolton's book, in which he says the president personally told him he was holding up aid for Ukraine in exchange for dirt on the Biden family. The White House doesn’t want anyone to read this. They sent a threatening letter telling him he's not allowed to publish the book because it appears to contain significant amounts of classified information. Which is funny coming from the guy who'll give the nuclear codes to anyone standing in line at the Mar-A-Lago omelet bar."
—Jimmy Kimmel
"According to sources, former national security adviser John Bolton told conservative donors he thinks President Trump is mentally unstable. But I'm sure he'll clear up that misconception with a hundred and fifty tweets at 3am."
—Seth Meyers
"It's clearly obvious. Fox is now done with Bolton because he went against Donald Trump. And at Fox News, you can do a lot of things, but there's two things you can never do: criticize Trump…or have a regular size neck."
—Trevor Noah
"This impeachment is like a bad episode of Maury. There's all this evidence that Trump clearly cheated, and Republicans are still like, 'But Maury, he loooooves me.’"
—Michael Che, SNL
And this just in from the Eyewitness News desk: f*ck you, Mitch.
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
C&J Annual Fundraiser: Day 4
A few brief points as we wrap our 2020 plea for cash and jewels and/or fine artwork: 1) 100% of your donations go toward vital food, medicine and sagebrush clearing. 2) I have never taken money from Super PACs, and if they ever offer me any I would certainly turn them down. [Uncrosses fingers] And 3) Spreading your wealth around to someone like me would be socialism, which I guarantee you will drive the Republican snowflakes bonkers. So it's a unique opportunity to "own the cons." Do it! Do it! The more you give, the angrier they’ll get. Here are your payment options...
One time contribution: click here.
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To send a donation via snail mail, the address is:
Bill Harnsberger, 16 Pitt Street, Portland, ME, 04103.
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Thanks again for supporting America’s longest-running kiddie pool-based blog post. We now return you to your regularly-scheduled stuff you were doing before reading this.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Iowa Caucus: 3
Days 'til California Western Monarch Day at the Pismo Beach Monarch Butterfly Grove: 1
Percent of registered voters who believe, via Quinnipiac polling, that the impeachment charges against President Trump are more serious and less serious, respectively, as the charges made against President Clinton: 51%, 29%
Degrees above average Portland, Maine was during the month of January: 7.7 F
Amount GM plans to invest in its first all-electric vehicle plant: $2.2 billion
Surge in pizza sales on Super Bowl Sunday, according to USA Today: 35%
Surge in antacid sales at 7-11 the day after: 20%
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
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JEERS to border insecurity. Under the watchful spray-on-tan raccoon eyes of fearless impeached leader Donald Trump, the border between the U.S. and Mexico is now tight as a drum. If, that is, you don’t include the thousands of foreigners who overstay their visas. And the hundreds of undocumented immigrants discovered working at Trump resorts. And the section of wall that fell over in a mild breeze. And the gates that have to be left open to avoid knocking it down. And the caravans of refugees adopting Romulan cloaking technology to pass through undetected. And this:
U.S. authorities on Wednesday announced the discovery of the longest smuggling tunnel ever found on the Southwest border, stretching more than three-quarters of a mile from an industrial site in Tijuana, Mexico, to the San Diego area.
The tunnel featured an extensive rail cart system, forced air ventilation, high voltage electrical cables and panels, an elevator at the tunnel entrance and a drainage system. … [T]he length—more than 14 football fields—stunned authorities. “This one blows past (the second-longest),” said Lance LeNoir, a Border Patrol operations supervisor.
Other than that, the border is sealed shut, nothing to see here, please move along, have a pleasant evening, and Mexico says the check is in the mail.
CHEERS to safety nets. 80 years ago today, the first Social Security check (#00-000-001) was issued to Ida May Fuller—a Vermonter and childhood classmate of Calvin Coolidge—for $22.54. Or, as Republican leaders calls it: "$22.54 too much." Despite all the despicable fearmongering coming from the right that Social Security is "flat broke," Senator Jeff Merkley (D-OR) reminds us via email….
Here’s the truth: Social Security is fully solvent, and will be through 2038. So why all the bluster? It’s a giveaway to Wall Street, plain and simple.
Starting with Ida May Fuller in 1940, our nation has a proud history of rewarding a lifetime of hard work with the promise of financial security in one’s golden years. It’s been the most effective anti-poverty program in the history of the world.
As always...much obliged, FDR.
CHEERS to the first day of the rest of their lives. As of a few hours ago, Brexit is now the law of the land across the pond. The United Kingdom has struck out on its own, tethered no longer to the European Union with its fancy schmancy pro-worker laws, trade equality, and human rights protections. From now on, Britain is an island of rugged individualism, where the commoners pull themselves up by their bootstraps without the heel of the government on their necks. Where cash for health care will soon be raised solely by holding bake sales. Where those f*cking immigrants can bugger off and stop stealin' our jerbs! Where the treasury will be robbed by the upper class twits and pension guarantees for the rest will be hacked to bits. Where the will of the majority will be crushed by the corruption of the minority. Where the undisputed leader for the foreseeable future is a porcine, philandering lunatic with wild hair who speaks gibberish. So exactly like the conservatives’ vision for America...except with afternoon tea.
CHEERS to Maine's matchless movie maker. Happy 126th Birthday tomorrow to director and Portland native (and son of immigrants) John Ford. He launched John Wayne's career and defined the classic American western with Stagecoach, The Searchers, the cavalry trilogy and gobs more. And then there's The Grapes of Wrath, which is in a class all by its amazing self:
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Ford proclaimed in 1967: "I am a liberal Democrat and a rebel." Well, of course he was. He had intelligence and talent.
CHEERS to bold leadership. Seventy-two years ago Sunday, in 1948, President Harry Truman made baby Donald Trump cry by urging Congress to adopt recommendations by a presidential commission on civil rights. It's almost breathtaking in scope. He ended his message to Congress with this, a statement that resonates just as loudly today:
[W]e must protect our civil rights so that by providing all our people with the maximum enjoyment of personal freedom and personal opportunity we shall be a stronger nation—stronger in our leadership, stronger in our moral position, stronger in the deeper satisfactions of a united citizenry.
We know that our democracy is not perfect. But we do know that it offers freer, happier life to our people than any totalitarian nation has ever offered.
If we wish to inspire the peoples of the world whose freedom is in jeopardy, if we wish to restore hope to those who have already lost their civil liberties, if we wish to fulfill the promise that is ours, we must correct the remaining imperfections in our practice of democracy. We know the way. We only need the will.
Oh...did I mention he was a Democrat?
CHEERS to home vegetation. In addition to the Concussion Bowl (more on that below), here's some stuff on TV this weekend: First, Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow throw the impeachment trial in the blender and create a delicious conviction smoothie on MSNBC. On HBO's Real Time at 10, Bill Maher talks with Mitch Landrieu, Rick Wilson, Michael Eric Dyson, and Rep. Miki Sherrill (D-NJ). New home video releases include Cynthia Erivo's Oscar-nominated turn in Harriet, and the critically-acclaimed Parasite. The NBA schedule is here, and the NHL schedule is here. Houston Texan J.J. Watt hosts SNL. But the big sporting event will be, of course, the clash of titans Sunday at 3 during Puppy Bowl XVI on Animal Planet. Be prepared to shield the kids’ eyes from any canine or feline wardrobe malfunctions.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Live from Iowa. Mayor Pete! Plus Senator Lamar Fucking Alexander (R-Fuck Him).
Face the Nation: House impeachment manager and Intelligence Committee chair Adam Schiff (D-CA); Mayor Pete! Plus RNC chair Mitt Romney’s Niece (R-Moscow); new CBS News election polling.
CNN's State of the Union: Mayor Pete! Plus Sen. Joni Ernst (R-Moscow).
This Week: TBA (But guessing the lineup will include...wait for it...Mayor Pete!
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN); Monarchy advocate Alan Dershowitz (R-Moscow).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: January 31, 2010
JEERS to convenient excuses. Barack Obama recently got called for jury duty, but wriggled out of it by claiming he's President of the United States and, like, busy. I should try that next time. My usual excuse—I'm the judge's boy toy—is starting to lose its mojo.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to Roman numeral abuse, Version XVIIIIIIVIXIIIIIIIVIIIII. Not many people know this, but I've predicted every single Super Bowl winner since I was knee-high to Howard Cosell. Last year, for example, I picked the Providence Steam Rollers over the other team by 13, and although I haven't checked the box scores yet, my gut tells me I was 100% correct. Over the decades people have asked, re-asked, begged, pleaded and prayed that I would reveal the secret to my success. And seeing as my heart grew three sizes today (memo to self: schedule appointment with cardiologist), I'm prepared to give you my annual peak behind the ol’ faux-pigskin prognostication curtain. Here's how I do it. Step 1: Plug it in. Step 2: Let ‘er rip...
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As you can plainly see, my 2020 prediction is ridiculously easy: the Providence Steam Rollers by 13. Oh, and in order to make life easier for the nation's water-management teams, everybody please remember to flush at exactly 7:29:59. Thanks for your cooperation and bwoo-ha-ha.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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