The human tells me that Halloween is a time for scary things, so I decided I would take over today and make sure the Halloween here on Daily Kos is a scary as it can be. Are you ready for this? Because maybe you should get in a blanket cave and cuddle your stuffed catnip fish because this is going to be really scary.
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One time, on a Halloween night, everyone was asleep but me. I was doing what I normally do; wandering around aimlessly, occasionally running as fast as I can down the hall. There’s carpet on the floor there and I can go really fast! I ran up and down the hall outside the humans’ bedrooms, gripping the carpet with my claws and pushing myself faster.
That was hungry work, so I decided to head over to the bowl and check out the kibble situation. That was when I noticed it: THE BOWL WAS ONLY HALF FULL!
I whined and looked around the dark kitchen. There was no human to fix it for me. I raced upstairs and into the only bedroom door that was open. I jumped onto the bed and made my way over to her face. I stared for a few minutes, but she didn’t wake up, so I leaned down to smell her hair. She stirred a little, so I started to purr really loud so she would know I needed something.
She murmured something I couldn’t understand and fell back under.
I huffed impatiently and then gave her a whackwith my paw. The claws were in – I’m not a monster – but she startled awake and glared at me.
I purred again.
“Freddie,” she whined, and closed her eyes again. Her hand came up and she gave me a clumsy pat just before she went back to sleep.
“Hungry!” I said.
Nothing.
I growled in frustration and left the bedroom. I’d have to distract myself from my increasingly hungry belly. I decided to pace for a while. That might tire me out enough to sleep. And then I’d probably not wake up again because I was near starvation. “That’ll show her,” I muttered.
I made my way into the bathroom and then into the spare room. There’s a nice little circle for pacing in this part of the house. It takes me past the bed of my human who was cruelly sleeping while I starved, but maybe my repeated pacing would wake her up.
The spare room is nice, because I can sleep in there and no one bothers me. But at night it can be a little scary. They keep the vacuum in here. I noticed as I walked by that the human had not put it away the last time she had chased me with it. She had told me to “go downstairs” and to “get out of the way” and had failed to change her plans when I ignored her. She still vacuumed!
The machine in question sat quietly next to the bed. The light from the street outside fell on it just right, illuminating it in the darkness. I had never seen it turn on by itself, but wasn’t sure that it couldn’t if it wanted to. I slowed my walk when I got to it, and watched it carefully as I passed by it. It did not move.
Once past it, I sped up to get back into the hallway. Through the hallway I went, then back into the human’s room. She snored a little as I walked by her bed. Humans sleep very funny. All at once and they aren’t terribly quiet about it. They don’t seem to worry much about predators.
I walked into the bathroom and through it, going back into the spare room.
I stopped.
Was the vacuum closer to me?
Impossible.
But was it now a little more in the shadows? A little further out of the light?
I decided I was imagining things and made my way carefully past it again. I glared at it as I went by, a little angry that it was scaring me.
Back into the hallway I went, then past the human as she slept away the night. I went through the bathroom again and paused before going back into the spare room. I was thirsty, I decided. And didn’t need to go back in there so quickly.
A quick hop onto the toilet, then a jump onto the sink and I was at the bowl the human kept full of water for me. I drank for a while, wishing a little for a full bowl of kibble. I glared briefly in the general direction of the human. She did not wake up.
Deciding I had put it off enough, I hopped down and made my way to spare room.
The light from the window now fell on the chair next to the bed that I sometimes slept on.
The vacuum sat in full darkness, directly in front of the door to the hallway.
I swished my tail and lowered my head, ears flat. The thing had definitely moved while I was not looking.
I growled softly. It did not move or give any other sign of life. It simply sat, blocking my path.
I felt the hair on my back rise as I gave a small, threatening hiss.
Still nothing.
I approached it slowly, keeping my back arched so it would know that I am really big and intimidating. I got close enough to stretch out my neck and give it a sniff.
The was a light thump as the part of the cord that the human sticks in the wall fell from where it was tucked, landing on the floor behind it.
I startled bad, and raced back the way I had come. I didn’t stop until I was on the human’s bed again, butting her with my head in a desperate attempt to wake her up.
“Freddie!” she cried, rolling over onto her back. I immediately climbed on her belly, letting her know I wanted to be touched. She obliged, because I’ve trained her well. As her hand made its way gently down my back, I could see her wake up fully. “What’s wrong?” she asked. “Why is your fur standing up?”
“…vacuum…” was all I could get out.
She snorted softly. “It’s just a machine,” she condescended. “It can’t hurt you. It just keeps the carpets clean.”
I shook my head. “Vacuum!” I said again, a little louder.
She huffed a little, but it sounded funny. Almost like…
“Are those feathers!” I yelled, looking at her arm.
“Quack!” she said.
I jumped off her and backed to the corner of the bed, away from her. She sat up and rubbed her face, and that was when I saw it. Her mouth was gone, and in its place was a bill! “Human…?” I asked, shakily.
“QUAAAAAAAAAACK!” she called out.
“No no no no no nooooooo,” I said.
“QUAAAAAAAAAACKIE!” she yelled.
“Nooooooooo!” my fur was fully on end.
“QUAAAADDIE!”
Wait. What?
“FREDDIE!”
I started awake. The human was petting me and crooning to me. “Did you have a bad dream?” she asked, softly.
I realized that I had. That it was all just a dream. “Just a dream,” I said.
She continued to stroke my fur, reassuring me with her voice and her hands. I settled down after a minute. Now I remembered that I had gone to sleep next to her, using the warmth of her body to make myself comfortable. I sighed, and laid my head down on her arm.
“That’s funny,” she said, looking past me.
I looked up at her. “What is it?” I asked.
“How did the vacuum cleaner get in the bathroom?”
Happy Caturday, Peeps! And happy Catoween! Stay safe this holiday, avoid crowds, and don’t forget to set your clocks back an hour tonight!