I awoke before dawn this morning dreaming that I was Hunter Biden’s laptop. I was afraid to cross the street, however, even at a designated crosswalk, because there were so many fake Hunter Biden laptops whizzing by at dangerous speeds.
I knew I was the authentic Hunter Biden laptop, though, because I found a text on my phone from Cecil B. DeMille, offering to make an epic of my life. I messaged him back, saying, “Get in line. Coppola already offered me Brando and both Ford and Huston said Wayne wants to do it. Even better, Wilder says Marilyn read me and told him it’s the chance of a lifetime. Paramount even volunteered Jimmy Stewart, but I spent most of my time weighing Manny and Mo’s generous offer against my final first choice, Groucho.