In anticipation of Donald Trump's now-certain ouster, the Dow Jones surged past 30,000 during trading on Tuesday for the first time ever. The headlines are already precious.
"Wall St. trades in record territory as Biden transition begins," declared The New York Times.
"Dow surges above 30,000 for first time as investors cheer transition to Biden administration," wrote Business Insider.
"Dow soars past 30,000 mark," The Washington Post announced, adding in a subhead, "Investors cheer as the White House transition gets under way, and Janet Yellen is tapped for treasury secretary — steps seen as progress in stabilizing the economy."
Simply put, investors are absolutely elated over Joe Biden's rise and Trump's demise. And for Trump, the historic stock market news and its context were clearly a killer. Within minutes of the headlines hitting on Tuesday, Trump called a spontaneous press conference in the White House briefing room so he could rush out and take credit for the surge.
In a matter of 64 seconds (yes, 64 seconds!), Trump let Americans know that the Dow's rise and steady vaccine advancements are all his doing.
"I just want to congratulate everybody. The stock market Dow Jones Industrial Average just hit 30,000, which is the highest in history. We've never broken 30,000," Trump told reporters, adding, "Never been broken, that number, that's a sacred number, nobody thought they would ever see it." (Ah, a Trump favorite—the likes of which no one has ever seen.)
Trump claimed it was the 9th time in 2020 and the 48th time overall that his administration had broken records—it's unclear exactly which measures for those “records” were floating around in his slippery mind.
Trump also expressed being "thrilled" over progress on the coronavirus vaccines. "Nothing like that has ever happened medically," he added, suggesting that perhaps he's never heard of vaccines.
But Trump, ever magnanimous, said he simply wanted to come out and congratulate the people of the country. Then, 64 seconds later, he ran for the briefing room exits without taking a single question.
He will be missed.