Just off 4 back-to-back shifts, all between 13 to 16 hours each. Two days off then back and so it goes—day in, day out. Our unit has settled into a grim routine, new patients come in and old patients leave, about 40% on a morgue trolly. I feel like a zombie, my emotions have been walled off in an effort to preserve my remaining sanity. I got home at 2am this morning and have 2 days off. I got an emergency request to work but I just can’t—I have nothing left to give. I have a new procedure, when I get in my car to drive home, I turn the volume all the way up and just scream until there is no more grief or anger or voice left. I howl and cry for every death, for the losses suffered by the loved ones left behind, and for the evil ignorance that has made the situation so much worse than it needed to be. Most nights/mornings I don’t even remember the drive home.
The number of patients each RN is treating is above the guidelines. We have no choice, part of a nurse is better than no nurse at all. Several nurses are out with COVID, no return dates specified. Patient care suffers—welcome to COVID triage.
I have been working as PRN (primary nursing resource), when there is an emergency I respond to aid the treating RN. It tests my brain and my skills, not a job for the faint of heart. At the end of shift my brain is tired, it’s not a head ache, it’s an exhausted brain screaming for a break.
Last night, one of our most experienced ECMO RNs asked for help, they did not like some troubling rhythms the patient was throwing. As soon as I entered the room, the patient started bradying down. I was shouting the numbers while the other nurse administered atropine. We pulled off an amazing save, drew blood and got the patient to CT. The vent and ECMO have to be disconnected and the patient hand ventilated with a bag. There I was on the bed, astride the patient, hand ventilating as we sped down the hall to CT. The patient was admitted about 5 days ago with a lung function of 25%, the bottom of the scale for ECMO. Now at 15%, not a good sign at all. There will have another CT in 24 hours, unless there is improvement, that patient will be removed from ECMO and will die. Even when you save a patient, they still die—it’s so hard.
Another patient, a teenager, has been here several months, the patient is COVID free but has MODS and has suffered irreparable damage to their heart, kidneys and lungs. At least the patient is out of isolation so a few family members can be there as the patient passes. That patient is scheduled to go on Comfort Care as soon as family arrived this morning, I expect the patient has passed by now. A young, healthy kid taken out, a heart broken family. This is the stuff that gets to a nurse.
I am sure every nurse has similar stories. I wish other nurses would share their experiences, it is important for the general population to realize just how critical the situation is. I don’t expect to change anyone’s mind, by now they are hard wired. I want those that believe in science and know COVID is not a hoax to remain vigilant. I truly try to keep politics out of my diaries but watching Trump worrying about toilets, showers and dishwashers while an American dies every 40 seconds just crushes my soul. I used to believe that humans were innately good and given a choice the vast majority would chose to do what was best for their fellow humans. I have lost that core belief and it’s irreparably damaged my sprit. I will go on because I am a nurse, I care for the sick and sometimes the dying. I am a nurse it’s what I do and who I am. God Bless every health care worker. Please stay safe and stay sane.