Cheers & Jeers is an unpardonable weekday post from the great state of Maine.
Thursday + Haiku = Haithurksdayu!
Susan Collins crows:
“POTUS has learned his lesson!”
Ready to fly, pigs?
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Bloomberg goes shopping
Hmm... What to buy? What to buy?
One election please
Continued ‘neath the bonsai tree…
Haikontinued...
Stephen Miller weds
His and Hers Iron Crosses
Danke, Hair Führer
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Wham Bam Biff Oof Thwack
All your moms wear combat boots
Primary debate
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Donald → Tree ← Lindsey
K-I-S-S-I-N-G
Get a room you two
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John Bolton despairs
Why do people hate me, man?
Cuz you're a dick, dude
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, February 20, 2020
Note: Today is National Handcuff Day. It’s a timely reminder that no member of the Trump family will ever find themselves in cuffs. Because only medieval stocks will do.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til International Women's Day: 17
Days 'til Mardi Gras in New Orleans: 5
Percent of Americans polled by Civiqs who disapprove of how Senate Republicans conducted Donald Trump’s impeachment trial: 60%
Number of billionaires in America, and number of them—including Oprah, Jay-Z, and Michael Jordan—who are black: 607 / 5
Size of the Wrangell-St. Elias National Park and Preserve in Alaska, America's largest NPS property: 13.2 million acres
Size of the Thaddeus Kosciuszko National Memorial in Pennsylvania, America's smallest: 0.02 acres
Age of former UAW president Owen Bieber when he died this week at the age of 90: 90
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
The kind of humor Limbaugh uses troubles me deeply, because I have spent much of my professional life making fun of politicians. I believe it is a great American tradition and should be encouraged. We should all laugh more at our elected officials—it’s good for us and good for them. So what right do I have to object because Limbaugh makes fun of different pols than I do?
I object because he consistently targets dead people, little girls, and the homeless—none of whom are in a particularly good position to answer back. Satire is a weapon, and it can be quite cruel. It has historically been the weapon of powerless people aimed at the powerful. When you use satire against powerless people, as Limbaugh does, it is not only cruel, it’s profoundly vulgar.
On his TV show, early in the Clinton administration, Limbaugh put up a picture of Socks, the White House cat, and asked, “Did you know there’s a White House dog?” Then he put up a picture of Chelsea Clinton, who was 13 years old at the time and as far as I know had never done any harm to anyone. … On another occasion, Limbaugh put up a picture of Labor Secretary Robert Reich that showed him from the forehead up, as though that were all the camera could get. Reich is indeed a very short man as a result of a bone disease he had as a child. Somehow the effect of bone disease in children has never struck me as an appropriate topic for humor.
—May 1995
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Special delivery…
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CHEERS to bipeds on the move. Beyond hyper-performance cars going round and round in circles really fast to the cheers of Trump supporters, I know nothing about, nor have any interest in, NASCAR racing. But it was hard not to get sucked into the horrific drama that unfolded Monday when the field in the postponed-from-Sunday Daytona 500 was on its last lap. A car driven by veteran racer Ryan Newman was involved in an almost cartoonishly-awful crash: slamming into the wall, flipping on its roof, skidding back onto the track, flying into the air after getting slammed in the driver-side door by another car going 195 MPH, and skidding on its roof across the finish line, but not before bursting into flames. Newman, who has two young daughters, was loaded into an ambulance after they surrounded his smushed car with those large black screens that shield spectators' eyes from the gruesomeness. (If you have the stomach, you can watch the crash here.) There's no way a mere mortal could've survived that, even with all the advancements in safety engineering—many of which Newman championed—they’ve put into their cars since Dale Earnhardt's death on the track 20 years ago. And yet, here we are...
Didn’t even break a nail, let alone a bone. Oh, waiter? I’ll have whatever he’s having.
"CHEERS!" to fixing the worst domestic mistake in American history. On February 20, 1933, Congress proposed the 21st Amendment, which would repeal the 18th (also known as "that no-good stinkin' prohibition"). Once it was adopted, the booze again flowed free and unfettered. C&J will be performing a historical reenactment of that moment in our living room around 9 this morning. Same as we do the other 364 days of the year.
CHEERS to paying the piper. Susan Collins, the pleasant, middle-of-the-road "moderate" who has somehow Trump-ass-kissed her way to least-popular-senator-in-the-country status, is going to have to unleash a torrent of the most vile Stalinist propaganda and smear-merchantism if she hopes to win a fifth term. Cuz after spending her entire career with approval ratings in the 60s, she's suddenly in serious trouble:
Republican Sen. Susan Collins (Maine) is tied with her leading Democratic challenger, according to a new poll released Tuesday.
Forty-two percent of respondents in a Colby College poll said they would vote for Collins, compared to 43 percent who said they would support Sara Gideon, the speaker of the Maine House of Representatives and the front-runner for the Democratic nomination.
"The results indicate this could be the kind of race Sen. Collins has not had to deal with before," Dan Shea, a Colby College professor of government and the lead researcher on the poll, said in a statement while caveating that "there’s a long way to go."
Once our March 3rd primary is in the history books, Maine will become the battleground of the most expensive and savage senate race of the 2020 cycle. We want you all to know that we still encourage you and your credit cards to continue visiting our lovely beaches, mountains and forests throughout the year. But until November 3rd, we suggest you bring a helmet.
CHEERS to a pleasant commute. I couldn't possibly let today go by without giving a shout-out to my home state hero who sadly passed away in “The Great Legend Purge of 2016.” Fifty-eight years ago today, on February 20, 1962, Ohio native (and future senator) John Glenn took a little trip into space, which The Atlantic recreates here:
Five minutes and four seconds into the flight of the Friendship 7, as John Glenn prepared to become the first American to orbit Earth, he radioed to NASA, his capsule turned and brought the Earth into sight.
"Oh, that view is tremendous," he said. […] Shortly after reaching orbit, his gave his first description of an earthly phenomenon from orbit.
"This is Friendship Seven," he said, "Can see clear back; a big cloud pattern way back across towards the Cape. Beautiful sight."
Glenn orbited the world three times aboard Friendship 7 in just under five hours. Or as we now call it: an entire Trump workday.
CHEERS to saving the planet one "om" at a time. Says here that monks in Thailand have done something worth breaking a vow of silence over:
A large recycling machine pulverizes donated plastic bags and bottles into large bales which the monks organize to be shipped off to recycling plants. Once broken down, the plastic is turned into polyester fibers which are then dyed by the monks and turned into their iconic saffron orange robes.
We did something like that over here recently. It involved taking a 300-pound pile of human garbage and then giving it to a handful of electors, who then turned it into an iconic saffron orange rube:
In the immortal words of Thomas Dolby: “Science!”
CHEERS to Bucky's bane. On this date in 1872, Silas Noble and J.P. Cooley patented the toothpick-making machine, thus idling the country's entire beaver workforce while President Grant looked the other way. The bitterness still lingers. Dam him.
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Ten years ago in C&J: February 20, 2010
CHEERS to alternative therapies. Hey, War-on-Pot Gestapo: Suck on This:
As an $8.7-million state research effort comes to an end, investigators report that cannabis can significantly relieve neuropathic pain and reduce muscle spasms in MS patients. More research is urged.
"It should take all the mystery out of whether it works. We've got the results," said former state Sen. John Vasconcellos, who led the effort to create the 10-year-old Center for Medicinal Cannabis Research.
Legalize it. Regulate it. Tax it. Meanwhile there's another bit of interesting health news out today: an analysis in the British journal Lancet says that the "placebo effect" is stronger than first thought. Placebos, of course, are things you have to swallow even though they contain nothing that actually helps you. It's like trickle-down economics in a pill.
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And just one more…
JEERS to unfettered narcissism. But at least Randy Rainbow knows how to make it sound catchy. Here’s the latest from He With The Angelic Voice That Leaves A Mark:
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So mocking. So dismissive. So perfect.
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
Warren Chuckles About Klobuchar and Steyer Not Knowing Cheers and Jeers creator Bill in Portland Maine's Name: 'It Was a Surprise'
—Mediaite
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