His Excellency
Mr. Vladimir Putin
President of the Russian Federation
The Kremlin
23, Ilyinka Street,
Moscow 103132 Russia
Dear Mr. President
How are you? I am fine.
We live in rapidly changing, dynamic times, do we not? As I’m sure you have been made aware, my nation, the United States of America, has undergone a profound change in how we conduct our foreign policy, interact with other nations, and conduct our elections — I understand you are a longtime proponent of this new realpolitik, so I hope you will give this solicitation its due attention.
I write to you concerning a US Senator, Mitch McConnell, who will be standing for reelection this fall. People say to me, Sir, they say “Moscow Mitch”. While I have not yet acquired any physical evidence of Moscow Mitch’s Moscowyness, I have seen many RTs or “retweets” indicating that Senator McConnell may be working in service of Russian intelligence services or some element of your government. In addition, reliable media reports have also referred to this moniker on multiple occasions.
To be clear, I am acting on the personal capacity of prior and potential future US Presidents — President Obama used to correspond regularly with me by e-mail, though less so nowadays. However, I regularly receive such electronic correspondence from no less than four contenders for our office of President in the next election. Your intelligence services may know me from the various digital entities I sometimes interact with on twitter and other social media.
Again, these rapidly changing times have been a cause of great confusion here in my nation, so I believe I am supposed to mention corruption generally. Or, I am supposed to have someone claim this is what I meant later. Regardless, to be perfect: I am desirous of you announcing an investigation into “Moscow” Mitch McConnell, including, but not limited to his work on behalf of Russian brothels, his involvement with Russian gangsters, and the possibility that he is the former Tsarist princess Anastasia in disguise (she never had much of a chin, did she? People tell, they say Sir...)
I believe that I am supposed to now offer you what is colloquially referred to as a “quo”, from the Latin “quid pro quo” which means a thing of value in return for that which you provide me. However, as this new method of domestic and international policy has not yet finalized the finer points, I feel that out of an abundance of caution — it best to address that separately… but let’s just say the Russian shortage of Duck Dynasty DVDs due to sanctions need not continue and with the easing of sanctions and exploding food delivery options, a bucket of “the Colonel” — as we refer to KFC — may also be possible.
Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter and I look forward to discussing further… just as soon as you make the announcement noted above.
Yours
Zonk
CC Senator Mitch McConnell