I was telling someone that the latest tracking poll shows Bernie winning New Hampshire by six points.
She asked what the poll was.
I responded, "Boston Globe/Suffolk U."
To which she replied,
"So, fuck you too, asshole. You Bernie Bros are such creeps!”
We Bernie brethren are viewed with suspicion. There’s a few of us out there acting in ways that make the rest of us look like bad bros. People have this way of transferring their feelings about us towards Bernie himself. We could point out how whack that is, but we’re still gonna be seen as representatives of Bernie himself, so represent him well! He’s a kind, wise, and loving man. Let’s do him proud!
Since Bernie is most likely to be the Democratic nominee, here are a few tips to help him win by not helping him lose:
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A political story takes at least a few days for the facts to fully surface. Often the initial take is way off. If you’re reacting in an extreme or vicious way after your first superficial glimpse of a story, you reveal yourself to be a noob, and a boob. Instead, light up a doob, and wait for the facts to come out before launching into any kind of vitriolic screed.
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Heed the wisdom of The Boy Who Cried Wolf and choose your battles and outcries carefully. There may be legit, actual, and verifiable conspiracies against Bernie by the media, or Republicans or Democrats. But not everything that isn’t shinola is shit. Politics is a rough sport and every politician gets hit below the belt. If you cry foul when it's pretty normal stuff, nobody will take us seriously when it really is foul.
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Accept that Bernie's gonna lose some battles along the way, even when exit polls or whatever, suggest he was supposed to win. That's the inexorable math of statistics, not evidence of high crimes and misdemeanors. Stay woke, but also go the fuck to sleep!
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Previously okay people who happen to oppose Bernie are not all of a sudden the worst type of scum on earth. If you find yourself suddenly loathing the likes of Pete Buttigieg or James Carville, you are becoming deranged. A good martial artist does not hate the opponent, they just kick the living shit out of them.
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Eliminate the word "shill" from your language. To the average person, this is a dead giveaway that you are suffering from psychosis. You don't think so? That's because you're suffering from psychosis. The world is not divided between pure unicorn goodness on the one hand and utter shill on the other. There's lots of grey area, such as shillicorns and unishills. Those words are acceptable.
Bernie Sanders will be the next POTUS!
Bernie Sanders will appoint the next SCOTUS!
Jane Sanders will be the next FLOTUS!
Let's do this like Brutus!
Don't Quench The Bern!
* A few commenters seem maybe triggered by my claim that Bernie is the most likely nominee. I’m only following the renowned oddsmaker Nate Silver at 538. Most likely does not equal definitely, just ask Hillary Clinton. But, as of right now, the most likely outcome is that we have a Trump v. Sanders election, so start getting used to it. It seems like some commenters are in the early stages of grief about this: Denial, Anger, yadayadayada…. I feel ya. I had to deal with that in 2016….TWICE!