Despite years of left-wing suspicion that Republican politicians are incapable of, if not allergic to, feeling empathy for anyone else, the news that Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) had tested positive for Covid-19 led dozens of Republicans to coalesce behind a “Coronavirus Relief Package” geared towards alleviating the impact of the disease on the many Americans who either are members of the U.S. Senate Republican family, or donors to them.
Fellow Bluegrass State U.S. Senator Mitch McConnell announced that House Democrats’ attempt to aid Americans during the Trump-exacerbated economic and medical upheaval was insufficient:
“Have you seen our cruise ship industry? Or hotels? Or golf courses, or even bars or restaurants, lately? These people — the owners, I mean — are hurting, almost literally in pain at the thought of their great economy receding before their eyes,” said the Senate Majority Leader. “Sure, the number of Americans who have tested positive for Covid-19 is increasing inexorably, and the number of Americans who have been hospitalized is increasing inexorably, and the number of Americans who have died from it is increasingly inexorably, but if those poor saps wanted us to give a crap about them, they should have run for jobs in the World’s Greatest and Most Sociopathic Deliberative Institution. Or at least given us enough money to know who they are, already. I had one fellow come up to me, a big strapping guy in a suit that must’ve cost what my third car did, and he said, ‘Sir, you know I have more money than I know what to do with, but if I start losing any, it’s coming out of your campaign fund next cycle,’ and then he almost started to cry. None of us want that, for the country.”
Paul, who has been known to brag about being a doctor [Editor’s Note: he’s an eye doctor, dammit, Jim.], seemed pretty chill about the whole thing: “I mean, I’ve got healthcare. If I were just some dude in Kentucky, I might be really screwed, since Kentucky Republicans have tried to undo KyNect, and my party nationally has been hell-bent on sabotaging the Affordable Care Act from the beginning. But, you know, I’m not, so I should be good.” In news that is surely coincidental, Paul had closed his office(s) earlier this month.
Fortunately for Paul, his fellow Senate Republicans are merely temporarily miffed that he exposed them to the risk of such a common, plebeian disease: “You mean I could have gotten this from someone who went to a nominally top-fifteen med school?” said Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX). “What a f---ing crock. There are doctors, and then there are doctors.” (Cruz, in fact, was one of the rare Republicans to actually follow any logical, relevant health advice, having self-quarantined earlier this month after a possible exposure.)
Other colleagues of Paul were concerned as usual. Susan Collins (R-ME) offered a quavering lower lip. Ben Sasse (R-NE) said that he wasn’t sure whether to root for Paul, as a fellow Republican, or for the virus, as an upstart disease just trying to make a name for itself in the big city, but that after consulting his shrine to John McCain, he’d probably just do whatever the party told him to do. Marco Rubio said he’d offered Paul his thoughts and prayers, only to have Paul lunge at him, before remembering that “thoughts and prayers” is Republican code for “Like I give a rat’s ass about you and anyone like you.”
Few Senate Democrats would talk, much less go on the record; the most vocal was one who mused that “You’d think this would make him, or maybe even some of them, support our bill to keep the healthcare system and the economy afloat,” but allowed that “it was expecting a lot for a man to understand something that his paycheck required him not to.”
Meanwhile, around the country, constituents wracked by concerns for their jobs and healthcare lit up the congressional switchboard demanding that Democrats just hand their tax dollars to any Republican senator or donor who asked for them, as much of the media blamed “both sides” as usual. A representative from Paul’s office said the pluck of the American people warmed his heart.
“Finally,” added McConnell, a strange smile creasing his well-made-up jowls, “I have a special message for one particular American: Andy Borowitz, we’re coming for your job.”