[Please feel to circulate on Christian conservative social media forums- My intended audience]
On November 8, 2016, this once great nation turned its back on God by electing a lying, cheating, sexual assaulting, worker exploiting, reality TV, grifter to lead it.
How did you ever get the idea that God liked this loser? Do you know what it takes for a God damn gambling casino to go bankrupt. DIVINE fucking intervention that’s what. Ever wondered why all Trump’s businesses go bankrupt? Does that sound like the chosen one to you? And while we are on the topic, did you not notice that Barack Obama fucking walked on water (yeah, yeah he was on a windsurfer but still, read the fucking biblical signs people). Look at Obama; look at Trump; who was so obviously touched by divine grace?
But Jesus F. Christ! Making the right choice in 2016 should not have been that hard. Remember the eight deadly sins?—Lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy and pride and eating KFC. And YOU voted for the guy with ALL the deadly sins oozing out of his greasyazz pores, when God, in their gender-neutral blessed wisdom, had sent you THE MOST QUALIFIED PERSON IN HISTORY TO BE YOUR PRESIDENT.
Yes, A GIFT WRAPPED BLESSING from above and you pissed all over Hillary Clinton like a Russian prostitute, because of what-- an email server? Do you think God gives one holy fuck about SMTP or IMAP techno bullshit? Guess what, you had climate change to worry about. God would have really liked for you to have “gotten religion” about, you know, not DESTROYING the planet just so your fat asses can cruise around in oversized SUVs. You know, it took six days of hard fucking work to get this place up and running. [For the record, a “God day” is like a billion human years; so shut the fuck up you creationist morons]
But I digress. I ask only one thing of you: answer me this soul searching question:
What the fuck did you think would happen when you elected Trump (and no, the popular vote will not save you from damnation, so don’t even. You ain’t free riding on that come Judgment Day, no fucking way).
YOU voted Trump and the Lord has rained Holy wrath down upon the nation ever since-- Massive wild fires to Tennessee and California; Hurricanes Harvey, Irma, and Maria.
But you still did not take the divine hint and so God let the fuckin’ pillow guy haunt your late night TV and snack time with horrendous, interminable infomercials and sell his crappy ass product that makes your arthritic necks stiff as hell every god damn morning. Still no repentance.
Then God showed great mercy. “I’ll mix up and try a new testament approach,” thought God.
And so, this forgiving (but don’t push it) androgynous deity gave you, his fallen flock, a golden chance at redemption. Yes, the beatific, impeachment proceedings; Hark, the Democratic angels sing!!!!
Ring a fucking bell!!!! Did you repent? Did you SEE the light of a President Pelosi administration (because you also could have impeached that two-faced, homophobe sin-enabler Pence).
And God would have said, “All is forgiven my children; Nancy has chutzpah. You go United States.”
But alas, you cheered when a demonic turtle-man saved that Cheetos dusted, pussy grabbing sinner from his most deserved day of reckoning.
For Fucksake, you really left God no other choice but to get medieval on your asses and unleash a plague!! And, this very plague revealed to All, who would gaze upon the revelatory truth, that this imbecilic, syphilitic emperor wannabe has no clothes (yech, oh, please God take that mental image away).
And yet, the vast majority of you “born again” hypocrites still aren’t getting the fucking, loud and clear, divine message. You continue in your false idolatry. You proudly proclaim that this bumbling, science denying, responsibility dodging, “let grandma die for my stock portfolio,” “Nazis are fine people” narcissistic, conniving, incompetent idiot is somehow doing a good job “managing” the Corona virus pandemic and that it is all a hoax anyway! Word to the wise; Trump just can’t file for bankruptcy on this one; Banks don’t classify dead bodies as liquidatable assets, ya know.
GOD DAMN IT People; do you really expect God to give a damn about you after all this?
Right now, I am streaming my heavenly Twitch channel and I can tell you that GOD is now officially PISSED OFF and I mean like John Wick 3 pissed.
So the listen the Fuck up you right wing fuck ups! This is your Last GOD damn chance at salvation, no excuses; no exemptions!!!
Stop listening to Trump’s malevolently deceptive, self-promoting, press conferences; turn off Fox News (remember Fox news spelled backward is Mephistopheles; just trust me on this one, I am a PREACHER!); immediately send Trump’s approval ratings to HELL!; and MOST IMPORTANTLY, vote Democratic candidates all down the ticket in November. It will save your sorry ass souls.
Can I have an amen?!!!