Late Night Snark: “Cabin Fever? What Cabin Fever?” Edition
"The number of U.S. coronavirus fatalities is now greater than U.S. losses in the Vietnam War. And just like in the Vietnam War, Trump is AWOL."
—Stephen Colbert
"The president suggested the coronavirus could be cured with disinfectants, then said he was joking, then threatened to stop doing press briefings altogether, which we know he won’t do because he loves cameras more than wasps love my attic. Clorox is going to have to add a new warning to their labels: Keep away from children and the President of the United States."
—Seth Meyers
Continued below the fold...
You Are Now Below The Fold
No Lifeguard On Duty
"I love that people are actually calling their local health departments to ask if they should try to cure themselves with disinfectants. Because that means even the people dumb enough to drink bleach are still smart enough not to trust something Donald Trump said."
—Trevor Noah
"The Vice Poodle was off the leash again today. He went on a tour of the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota where, despite being told to wear a mask, he did not. Mike Pence was the only one who didn't. You do know he won’t wear a mask because Trump won’t wear one, right? Mike Pence is required to keep his lips free at all times for kissing Master's ass."
—Jimmy Kimmel
—Via Late Night with Seth Meyers
"Netflix just added a new category to their menu: “Stuff You Forgot You Already Watched at the Beginning of This Pandemic."
—Conan O'Brien
"Researchers at Oxford University have developed a vaccine that's effective in monkeys. [They] inoculated six monkeys with their vaccine. These animals were then exposed to heavy quantities of the virus. I assume by going bowling in Georgia."
—Stephen Colbert
"Fun fact: if an American flag and a diaper are struck by lightning, they create a Sean Hannity."
—Colin Jost
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, May 1, 2020
Note: Due to a foreseen accident involving a sugar beet truck, an army of ferrets in red jumpsuits and a giant ray gun, there will be no C&J on Monday. Back Tuesday to defer all questions about the incident to my lawyer.
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By the Numbers:
236 days!!!
Days 'til Festivus: 236
Percent of U.S. adults polled by The Washington Post who believe the current restrictions on the size of public gatherings in their state are either appropriate or not restrictive enough: 86%
Amount by which the economy shrank in the first quarter, the biggest drop since George W. Bush was president: 4.8%
Favorability of George W. Bush, Barack Obama, and Donald Trump, respectively, among registered voters, according to a new Emerson College poll: 40%, 56%, 38%
Point drop in approval of Trump's handling of the pandemic (now 39%) from March to April, according to the same Emerson poll: 10
Number of times you blink your eyes per year: 4,200,000
Number of countries that make up 60% of the world's militaries: 5
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Quarantine buds…
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CHEERS to May! Month 3 of pandemic-monium! The month of flowers, Mom’s Day, Teachers Day (the 5th), Armed Forces Day, Victoria Day, National Pet Week, the start of Ramadan (the 5th), “End of the Middle Ages” Day (May 29—for Republicans a day of mourning), and Cinco de Mayo, aka Watch The President Embarrass Himself With A Taco Bowl Again Day.
And every day in May: Zoom, Zoom, Zoooooom!!!
It’s National Hamburger Month for carnivores and National Salad Month for vegans. The Webby Awards (and their famous 5-word acceptance speeches) will be virtually awarded on the 19th. Memorial Day weekend kicks off summer in 21 days (like that means anything this year), but not before we celebrate Star Wars Day (i.e. “May the Fourth Be With You”) and the 50th anniversary of the Kent State shootings on the same day. Full moon arrives on the 7th, so make a note to look up, think of Neil Armstrong, and give it a wink. As for movies: the Michelle Obama documentary Becoming drops Wednesday on Netflix.
Sadly, due to the coronavirus lockdown, the Daily Kos contributing editors won’t be dressing in their frilly best to dance around the Maypole this year, the first such cancellation in the blog’s storied 18-year history. "Thank you, thank you, thank you," said the Maypole.
CHEERS to seeing light, and fresh banana slices, at the end of the tunnel. As hospitals and state/local governments (but not the feds—they're worthless) continue coping with the pandemic still slamming into their worlds, the white lab coats around the planet are busy working on an effective vaccine to kick Covid-19 back to the stone age. And this evening we doff our fez to our simian planet-mates who are unwittingly helping find it:
Six monkeys given a vaccine developed by the University of Oxford are said to be coronavirus-free 28 days after sustained exposure to the virus.
For their work on a coronavirus vaccine, Dr. Simba and Dr. Winthorp have been nominated for the Nobel Prize.
The result is a promising early sign for the vaccine, which is also undergoing human trials. … Six rhesus macaques received a vaccine produced by the Jenner Institute and the Oxford Vaccine Group. They were then exposed to heavy levels of the coronavirus that were known to have previously sickened other monkeys…and remained healthy at least 28 days later, The Times said.
Humans and macaques share about 93% of their DNA. Just because a vaccine appears to work on a macaque does not mean it will work on humans, however.
Adding to the good news are the lack of side effects from the vaccine which, according to observers, appear to be limited to headache, mild fatigue, and throwing your feces against the wall.
CHEERS to the days of lollipops and surpluses. On tomorrow’s date in 1997, President Clinton and congressional Republicans came to terms on a plan to balance the budget over five years. Said Newt Gingrich of the bipartisan agreement: “This is a great moment for our children and our grandchildren and our country, and we are proud to be part of that.” Fourteen years later, as a presidential candidate, Gingrich foolishly raised his hand when asked if he would veto a budget with ten dollars in cuts for every 1 dollar in revenue increases. But in fairness, he did also offer jobs to our children and grandchildren. As janitors. On the moon. Amazingly, he didn’t become president.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to a memorable growth spurt. On May 1, 1931, the Empire State Building was dedicated. It was the tallest building in the pleasant village of New York until 1972, when the World Trade Center rose above it. It regained its "tallest" status in the worst possible way 28 years later. But today it plays third fiddle to the new One World Trade Center tower and the luxury apartments of 432 Park Avenue. There, there, Empire State—if it's any consolation, King Kong always liked you best.
JEERS to lunatics on the loose. And now, a dramatic reenactment of the police reaction to the armed revolt by Trump's "very fine people," who invaded the Michigan state house in Lansing yesterday to fight for their right to give themselves and others the deadly Covid-19 virus:
One slight difference between the two: this baby’s knuckles don’t drag on the ground.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Just a quick preview of some of the viewage that might show up on your screen this weekend. After Chris and Rachel do their Friday night thang, Bill Maher talks with our last decent attorney general Eric Holder, plus Matt Taibbi and New York Times right-wing concern troll Bret Stephens on HBO's Real Time.
The Ark of the Covenant gets hauled out of storage Sunday night on CBS.
New home video releases include the Daniel Radcliffe actioner Guns Akimbo and the Wes Anderson masterpiece The Grand Budapest Hotel gets the Criterion treatment. If you're yearning for sports, any sports, NBC is airing a replay of the 2015 Kentucky Derby Saturday afternoon, and Fox is airing a replay of the 2020 Super Bowl Saturday night (thanks to creative editing, this time the Patriots win). On 60 Minutes: a look at already-hurting rural hospitals getting slammed by the coronavirus, and how small farms are getting f*cked by big ones when it comes to China trade-war relief money. The best movie of 1981 (and that's sayin' something), Raiders of the Lost Ark, airs on CBS Sunday at 8. Reverend Lovejoy gets to the bottom of a mystery in part 2 of Warrin' Priests on The Simpsons, and Meg is erroneously reported to have died in a car crash on Family Guy. Finally, Sunday night at 11:15 John Oliver is back with another shelter-in-place edition of HBO's Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: TBA
Face the Nation: Former FDA commissioner Scott Gottlieb; Southwest Airlines CEO Gary Kelly; Daniel O’Day of Gilead Sciences, creator of the antiviral medicine remdesivir.
Governor Whitmer will have a thing or two to say to the armed nimrods who invaded the state house Thursday.
This Week: TBA
CNN's State of the Union: Governors Gretchen Whitmer (D-MI) and Larry Hogan (R-MD); White House economic idiot-adviser Larry Kudlow, the guy who said in late February: “We have contained this [pandemic]. I won’t say airtight, but pretty close to airtight. We have done a good job in the United States.” And speaking of idiots, the lineup also includes Libertarian presidential hopeful Justin Amash.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Governor Phil Murphy (D-NJ); Facepalm specialist Dr. Deborah Birx.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: May 1, 2010
JEERS to the arrival of the slicksters. Federal disaster officials say folks down south who live and work along the Gulf Coast should expect the worst kind of slime to inundate their communities. In fact, it's already happening and is worse than originally thought. Yes, the BP lawyers have flooded the area to con residents into signing forms they don’t understand in exchange for a few pieces of gold and their silence. Meanwhile, the oil itself is still gushing from the Deepwater Horizon site, and the best estimate anyone has for when they'll be able to shut it off is, "Um...we'll get back to you on that." But there is one small glimmer of optimism: as of Sunday evening, the Gulf of Mexico no longer squeaks.
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And just one more…
JEERS to the other date which will live in infamy. Putting this little bit of history down here in the cellar where it belongs. Seventeen years ago today—wow, an entire generation ago—our steely-eyed chief warrior, Commander Codpiece, who’d lied his pantaloons off to get our country to approve going to war with another country that hadn’t done a thing to us, dressed up in a flight suit and pretended to fly a plane out to an aircraft carrier, where he made a victory speech under a banner that said MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. And oh how the pundit class swooned. Let these clips (and this is just a tiny sample) forever be anvils around their necks…
"Well, that was probably the coolest presidential image since Bill Pullman played the jet fighter pilot in the movie Independence Day. That was the first thing that came to mind for me."
—Joe Klein
The Republican Doctrine: over-promise, under-deliver.
“Speaking as a woman, and listening to the women who called into my radio show, seeing President Bush get out of that plane, carrying his helmet, he is a real man.”
—Laura Ingraham
”…a one-time fighter dog.”
—Wolf Blitzer describing Bush
“Al Gore had to go get some woman to tell him how to be a man. And here comes George Bush. You know, he's in his flight suit, he's striding across the deck, and he's wearing his parachute harness, you know, and I've worn those because I parachute, and it makes the best of his manly characteristic. … You know, all those women who say size doesn't count—they're all liars. Check that out.”
—G. Gordon Liddy
In fact, winning the war was so much fun that Commander Codpiece went on winning it for another eight years until his successor decided that enough winning had been won. When it was all over, hundreds of thousands of people had lost their lives, limbs and minds and Commander Codpiece’s taxpayers were on the hook for trillions of victory dollars. Oh, and filling the vacuum Commander Codpiece created was a nightmare army of ISIS orcs whose favorite things in the world are raping women and burning people to death in cages. But the important thing is, Commander Codpiece and the very serious pundit class are still living happily ever after to this day. The End.
Have a great weekend. May all your wings take dream as you put food on your family. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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