Headlines You Won’t Read Today
Trump Returns From Oklahoma Rally Triumphant
Coronavirus spares Tulsa MAGA Rallygoers
2020 Democrats Campaign on Platform of Lies, Paranoia
Black Lives Matter Efforts Stall
Tucker Carlson Makes Valid Point
Continued...
Infrastructure Week Yields Hundreds of Shovel-Ready Projects
Jared Kushner Completes Task Competently
Rep. Matt Gaetz Offered Job at MENSA
Susan Collins Genuinely Concerned
Polls: President Enjoys Comfortable Lead Over Biden
Eric Gets Head Unstuck From Mayonnaise Jar
Coal Makes Comeback!!!
Mexico Pays For Wall
Liberals to Bolton: All Is Forgiven
Murder Hornet Announces Run For Congress
But here’s a headline we did see over the weekend: 6 Trump Campaign Members in Tulsa test Positive for the Coronavirus Ahead of Trump Rally. Sadly, Stephen Miller wasn’t among them. (Then again, he’s dealing with something far worse: chronic, incurable Being Stephen Miller Disease.)
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Monday, June 22, 2020
Note: One of the coronavirus molecules at the Trump rally in Tulsa lost its MAGA hat. If you find it, please pick it up carefully with a pair of tweezers, seal it in a zip-lock bag, and turn it in to the BOK Center Lost & Found desk. Thx. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Trump ruins July 4th again: 12
Percent of Black Americans who say they were close with someone who has died from the coronavirus, compared with 5 percent of Americans overall and 4% of white Americans, according to surveys done by NORC at the University of Chicago: 11%
Factor by which the coronavirus is killing more Black people than white people in Michigan: 4x
Percent of Black Americans who tell Fox News pollsters that Trump and Biden, respectively, respect racial minorities: 8%, 79%
Percent of Americans surveyed by Quinnipiac who believe vote-by-mail should definitely be an option to every American this fall, versus 38 percent who say no: 58%
Percent of Americans polled by Morning Consult who believe the $600-a-week unemployment insurance subsidy should continue longer: 75%
Ago of brilliant British actor Ian Holm when he died last week: 88
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Tis the season…
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JEERS to keeping count. The Covid-19 world tour marches on, and our macabre Monday tradition of maintaining a benchmark of the awfulness for the C&J historical record continues. Let’s check the most depressing tote board in the world with all due reluctance:
10 Weeks Ago: 560,000 confirmed cases, 22,000 deaths.
5 weeks Ago: 1.5 million confirmed cases, 90,000 deaths.
1 week ago: 2.1 million confirmed cases, 118,000 deaths
This morning: 2.4 million confirmed cases, 123,000 deaths
But there is good news. The President of the United States sidled up to a microphone last week and announced: "If we stop testing right now, we'd have very few cases, if any." And he knows whereof he speaks. After all, that's how he cured his gonorrhea.
JEERS to Night of 1001 New Coronavirus Cases. Impeached President Donald Trump was so fanatical about owning the libs by making his Tulsa hate rally go off as scheduled, he was willing to put the lives of his MAGA cult on the line to air his grievances and feel the endorphin rush of an ego well-stroked. Here’s the one and only highlight of the event...for liberals, at least:
Yup. After boasting a million ticket registrations, only 6,000 thrill seekers bothered to show up, and Trump was not happy about it. For a complete list of the lowlights, including his admission that he slowed down coronavirus testing to fudge the numbers, send a self-addressed, stamped shipping container and we'll send you all 80-thousand single-spaced pages. And an absentee mail-in ballot application, courtesy of Joe Biden.
P.S. The Lincoln Project scores another direct hit:
CHEERS to supporting the troops. 76 years ago today, President Roosevelt—he of the super-awesome Democratic Party—signed the G.I. Bill of Rights:
Although World War II was far from over, FDR was determined to plan ahead for a smooth transition to peace, both abroad and at home.
The President proposed to Congress a way to level the economic impact of the war’s end and to integrate returning veterans back into American society.
The result was the GI Bill.
Now widely credited with creating the post-war middle class, the GI Bill of Rights provided returning veterans with educational benefits, work training, hiring preferences, and subsidized loans for buying homes, businesses and farms. It continues today to be one of the lasting legacies of the Roosevelt administration.
It rewarded servicemen for their sacrifices with low-cost loans, educational subsidies and other benefits. Kind of like what George W. Bush (remember him?) wanted to do for servicemembers during his wartime presidency...minus the low-cost loans, educational subsidies and other benefits. (But double the deployments!)
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to being born! A hearty "Happy Birthday and many blessings on your camels" to Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren, who turned [hffrrhffrrhrrr] today. Republicans fought tooth and nail to keep her from getting elected to the seat once occupied by the mighty Ted Kennedy, and it's easy to see why: her brains, common sense and willingness to expose the banksters and Trumpbots as the scum-sucking vampire squids they are have made her the ideological North Star for the Democratic party and a huge swath of independents. Our official C&J birthday gift to Senator Warren, as she continues her battle against the Republican forces of evil: a new pair of shoes with spikes in the toes. (Use them for good, ma’am. Only for good.)
JEERS to punishment via dumbstick. And then there's this little bit of scientific wankery, courtesy of the Catholic Church of yore. On June 22, 1633, Galileo Galilei was told that he had to "abjure, curse, and detest" his view that the earth revolved around the sun. Let's review the church's decree, shall we?
The proposition that the Sun is the center of the world and does not move from its place is absurd and false philosophically and formally heretical, because it is expressly contrary to Holy Scripture.
The proposition that the Earth is not the center of the world and immovable but that it moves, and also with a diurnal motion, is equally absurd and false philosophically and theologically considered at least erroneous in faith.
It took the Vatican over 350 years to admit their heads revolved around their asses. But they had a very good reason why: they were, like, y’know busy with stuff.
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15 years ago in C&J: June 22, 2005
JEERS to Dr. Lapdog. First Bill Frist said there would be no more Senate votes to try and confirm John Bolton as American U.N. Hater of the U.N. But then, after taking a time-out in a corner in Karl Rove's office, he magically changed his mind. So let me get this straight: you were against the war on Bolton before you were for it? Flip Flop!!! (And not very presidential, doctor.) [6/22/20 Update: Today John Bolton is helping dismantle the Trump presidency and still no one likes him. Dr. Bill Frist is doing god knows what and still no one remembers him.]
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And just one more…
CHEERS to a lifetime of riotous indignation. Hard to believe it was twelve years ago when we got the news that Philosopher of Comedy George Carlin had died at 71. Seems appropriate to remember him with some of his zingers, of which this is, oh, maybe one-zillionth-of-one-percent of 'em:
"Remember, kids, Mr. Policeman is your friend. Always cooperate with him. Mr. Policeman wants to help you, so you must help Mr. Policeman. Don't forget, if you refuse to cooperate, Mr. Policeman will beat you to death. Especially if you're not white."
“Hansel and Gretel discovered the ginger bread house about 45 minutes after they discovered the mushrooms."
"Traditional American values: genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods."
"Unbelievably, a goldfish can kill a gorilla. However, it does require a substantial element of surprise."
"Children's Hospital in New York is quite an amazing place. On a recent visit, I saw two seven-year-olds performing a kidney transplant."
"They always say the vice president is just a heartbeat away from the presidency. Don’t they mean the lack of a heartbeat?"
"Stick around. China's gonna win it all."
And if you have time, sit back for ten minutes and appreciate the sheer preparation and practice required to pull off his legendary (and NSFW) set about those 7 famous words. Like a vuvuzela to the ears of the Puritan. We approve.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"It looks to me like Bill in Portland Maine has lost his mind. That’s some of the most tortured cheers and jeers I’ve ever seen by a kiddie pool splasher."
—Lou Dobbs
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