Late Night Snark: Pandemically We Roll Along
“On Saturday, the Sunshine State broke the nation's covid infection record, and yesterday Florida announced another 12,000 new cases. Well, at least they don’t have a lot of old people down there…or at least, thanks to their governor, they won’t in about three weeks.”
—Stephen Colbert
"As covid cases rise across the country, many states are fighting another tragic medical condition known as Being A Fucking Idiot. … Wearing a mask protects everyone. Early research shows wearing masks can reduce transmission of covid-19 by as much as 50 percent. On the other hand, it's also reduced the effectiveness of my resting bitch face. I have to do a lot more work with my eyes."
—Samantha Bee
Continued...
YOU ARE NOW BELOW THE FOLD. WELCOME TO THE BUNKER.
"Forty-five people in a major vaccine trial successfully developed antibodies, [but] a vaccine isn’t coming until next year at the earliest. In the meantime, America just set a new record for daily coronavirus cases. So congratulations to those 45 people. Not only do you have antibodies, you're probably going to inherit the earth. So have fun re-populating. And if you get hungry, there's a can of Goya beans in the White House."
—Trevor Noah
"After critics called for a ban of Goya Foods because its CEO praised President Trump last week, Ivanka posted a picture of herself holding up a can of beans on social media. Originally Jared was gonna do it but it was too heavy."
—Seth Meyers
"He's a gnat. You just have to swat him away."
—Senator and injured Iraq War veteran Tammy Duckworth (D-IL), reacting to the way Fox News host Tucker Carlson questioned her courage and patriotism, on Late Night
"And to think that this whole time, I respected Donald Trump because of his SAT scores. Strike one, Mr. President."
—Conan O'Brien
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, July 17, 2020
Note: 555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555 Sorry about that. Had to clean some chocolate off my 5 key. All better now. ---Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Tequila Day: 7
Expected number of covid-related deaths in the U.S. by November, according to new modeling as reported by NBC News: 224,000
Number of additional lives that would be saved if 95 percent of Americans wore their f*cking masks in public: 40,000
Biden-Trump matchup in the Quinnipiac poll released Wednesday: 52%-37%
Biden-Trump matchup in the NBC News-WSJ poll released Wednesday: 51%-40%
Portion of voters in the poll who say the country is on the wrong track: 7-in-10
Size of the bonds approved by Maine voters Tuesday for broadband expansion and infrastructure: $120 million
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Seen the new twitter hashtag #DogsForBiden yet? Now you have...
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CHEERS to the Energizer justice. Using our exclusive recording technology (a microphone planted in her lava lamp), let's check in and see how 87-year-old Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg is doing after using her immune system to destroy an infection and getting discharged from the hospital days before she was expected to, and continuing her chemo for a small cancerous lesion on her liver:
"One hundred and eighty one…one hundred and eighty two…one hundred and eighty three…"
"Um, Justice Ginsburg, ma'am, could you maybe stop bench pressing me for a few minutes so I can go pee and maybe check my messages?"
"Oh, quit being such a putz. What kind of personal trainer are you, anyway?"
"Yes, ma'am. Sorry, ma'am."
"Where was I? One hundred and eighty four…one hundred and eighty five…"
Meanwhile, since it's a day ending in y, Brett Kavanaugh's liver is spending another 24 hours wondering how everything in life went so terribly, horribly wrong.
JEERS to Trump Plague Theater. There ain't a Darwin Award big enough or a Monty Python sketch nutty enough:
A public meeting in Utah about a mask policy for schoolchildren was abruptly adjourned when people without masks packed the room.
Aaaaaaaand…scene!
JEERS to the current chain of command. Seventy-three years ago tomorrow, on July 18, 1947, President Truman signed the Presidential Succession Act, which clearly establishes who takes over if the president dies or is otherwise incapacitated. If you ever need to induce vomiting because you or someone else has OD’d on something, just whip this list out and read the name at the top:
Vice President Mike Pence (But only with Mother's permission)
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (First woman president? Fine by me.)
President pro tempore of the Senate Chuck Grassley (Dear God. Stay healthy, President Pelosi.)
Sec. of State Mike Pompeo (“Under my administration, everybody gets a free ticket to The Rapture!”)
Sec. of the Treasury Steve Mnuchin (He’d instantly vault to #1 among most-punchable presidential faces ever.)
Gary the House Janitor (In fairness, if he can clean up vomit in the school cafeteria, he can probably clean up Washington.)
Dopey (This would not be good because he'd be dwarfed by world events.)
After that they just start drawing random names out of Congresswoman Virginia Foxx's girdle.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to merry meetings. Forty-five years ago today, on July 17, 1975 (12:08 pm ET to be exact), an Apollo crew docked with the Soyuz 19 spacecraft in orbit. (Because, if memory serves, Denny's was too crowded.) It was the first time the world's foremost cold warriors hooked up in space for procreative purposes. A floppy-haired Peter Jennings anchored the event on ABC News, inadvertently calling it a “meeting between an American space capsule and a Russian space ‘crapsule’”:
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Yes, those are model spaceships hanging on strings behind him. Ed Wood shoulda sued the network for stealing his act.
CHEERS to Democrats with the right stuff. Speaking of space, happy 99th birthday Sunday to the late John Glenn, one of the most durable human beings who ever lived. Not only was he the first American astronaut to orbit the planet, he later became the oldest person in space when he blasted off in the Shuttle Discovery at the age of 77.
I don’t plan to have a whole lot etched on my Billystone after I die, but one thing you'll definitely read on it will be, "John Glenn Was My Freakin' Senator." Probably with an exclamation point—more if I can get a volume discount.
CHEERS to home vegetation. A quick roundup of some of the eyestuff that may end upon your TV this weekend.
Not much tonight, although Chris Hayes, Rachel Maddow and Lawrence O'Donnell will be all over the Friday news dumps, so they’re worth a looksie. New home video releases are slim pickins, thanks to the Hollywood shutdown. Sunday afternoon on the NBC Golf Channel the British Open—canceled this year—will instead be a pre-produced "Open for the Ages" between golf legends of the past 50 years (Nicklaus, Watson, Ballesteros etc.), thanks to fancy editing and new commentary. Or you can catch The Memorial tournament from Dublin, Ohio live on CBS. On 60 Minutes: update on the covid crisis, Hungary’s populist government, and Nobel Peace Prize winner Nadia Murad. And John Oliver wraps up the past seven days with a bow Sunday night at 11 on a new edition of HBO's Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: CIDRAP director Dr. Michael Osterholm; NBC News Medical Contributor Dr. Nahid Bhadelia; Gov. Mike DeWine (R-OH); Gov. Jared Polis (D-CO).
This Week: TBA
Face the Nation: Former CDC Acting Director Rich Besser; Former FDA commissioner Scott Gottlieb; UC school system president-elect Dr. Michael Drake; Atlanta Mayor Keisha Lance Bottoms (D); Governor Larry Hogan (R-MD).
CNN's State of the Union: Rep. Ayanna Pressley (D-MA); L.A. Mayor Eric Garcetti; Governor Tate Reeves (R-MS).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Donald Trump in an interview that has already been labeled “Pants on Fire” by Politifact.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: July 17, 2010
CHEERS to climbing out on a ledge wearing roller skates. Whew—give Nancy Pelosi (who will be at Netroots Nation next Saturday) credit for chutzpah. These words arrived in my email in-box yesterday and almost shorted out my laptop:
"Here is what will happen in November. Democrats will keep control of the House. Period."
Either she knows something I don’t or she needs to lay off the Jell-O shots when she's writing emails. As usual, the truth probably lies somewhere in between. [7/17/20 Update: Nope, not in between. In the 2010 midterms we lost 63 seats. Thankfully, eight years later our revenge was served up stone-cold sober.]
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the building eggscitement. Tomorrow is National Caviar Day. I'm sure you're itching, as I am, to send the butler to the walk-in refrigerator to dip into your resplendent reservoir of roe. But before you do, make sure he's not gonna fuck it up:
Fine caviar should never be served with or stored in metal because of oxidation which can impart a metal flavour to the berries (yes, that what each little egg is properly called). Serve caviar very cold and nestled inside another bowl or container that holds ice to keep it fresh and cool.
Choose servers made of glass, bone, wood or plastic. If you want to go by tradition, try mother-of-pearl or gold.
While it’s tempting to overdo it, try not to as eating more than two ounces or two spoons of caviar is considered a social faux pas.
And no matter what, fellow Kossacks, never, ever spill any caviar on your Manolo Blanhiks. They kick people out of country clubs for less.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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