A Pre-4th Public Service Message
Randy Rainbow warble. You listen.
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And remember: never run up and throw firecrackers at non-compliers. Always practice safe social distancing by nailing ‘em from a block away with bottle rockets. Together, we can make a difference.
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, July 2, 2020
Note: Here's ye olde July 4th holiday schedule for C&J. Tomorrow evening we'll post our annual July 4, 1776 edition. Fair warning: we link to a painting that shows a woman's boob, so be sure to gather all the children around to read it with you. Monday we'll be off so we can get our fingers reattached from Saturday's fireworks. If the operation's a success, we'll be back Tuesday. If the operation is a failure, we'll be back Tuesday with a plate of lightly-breaded finger food.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the virtual Netroots Nation Convention: 42
Number of states in which coronavirus cases are rising: 36
Length of time you're supposed to wash your hands using soap and hand sanitizer, respectively: 20 seconds / 30 seconds
Biden-Trump matchup in December 2019 among registered voters polled by USA Today-Ipsos: 41-44
Biden-Trump matchup per the same pollster today: 53-41
Factor by which the south pole is warming versus the rest of the planet, according to The Guardian: 3x
U.S. towns with Independence in their name: 11
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
Happy birthday, America! Ye Olde Fourth of July rolls around again and finds the Great Nation in, frankly, a somewhat pissy mood. Lots of blame game, name-slinging and general unpleasantness. But there's always an upside. The vice president reports that if you go ahead and let fly with the f-word, it makes you feel better. Anything to get that fun Dick Cheney back to his usual sunny self, I always say.
True, we seem to have had more halcyon national natal days, but if we ignore Iraq for the weekend, we should be able to celebrate our national heritage without punching each other in the eye.
So let's salute all that makes America special, starting with us, the people. Here's to all the musicians from country to hip-hop to rock to classical to jazz to folk to be-bop to norteno to polka to reggae, and to all the fusion forms thereof. Here's to all the artists who get no respect—the washboard players and lute strummers, harmonica blowers and banjo pickers. Here's to their endless generosity in playing special benefits for retired musicians who are ill and have no health insurance, all over America, every night. And here's to the great Ray Charles, bless his heart. May we all hear his version of "America the Beautiful" this holiday.
—July 2004
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Honorary Lippizzaner stallion…
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CHEERS to victorious victories in Victory Land. Despite the pandemic, primary and referendum issues are still getting voted on hither and yon. Here are a couple Wowie Zowie! results worth noting, one from last week and one from last Tuesday:
June 23 Kentucky special election Democrats won a special election to fill a vacant Kentucky state Senate seat this week, flipping a district Republicans held for decades and signaling that the suburban shift that helped create a blue wave in 2018’s midterm elections may continue in 2020.
Dr. Karen Berg defeated Republican candidate Bill Ferko by 14 points to win the race to replace longtime GOP state Sen. Ernie Harris, who retired in April after holding the seat in suburban Louisville for 25 years.
June 30 Oklahoma election Oklahoma will become the latest state to adopt the Affordable Care Act’s Medicaid expansion after voters passed a ballot measure Tuesday that aims to cover an estimated 200,000 low-income adults. […] The Oklahoma Medicaid expansion campaign faced considerable obstacles, including opposition from Republican Gov. Kevin Stitt.
Looking at these results through our exclusive C&J lens of rigid impartiality, our staff of seasoned analysts can safely predict that Trump will lose by 890 million votes in November, Democrats will pick up 97 seats in the U.S. Senate, and all the conservative justices on the Supreme Court will get struck by lightning at their annual Federalist Society cookout and be replaced with a liberal Black, a liberal Gay, a liberal Hispanic, a trans liberal, and Chief Justice Cecile Richards. What can I say? My team is simply the best.
CHEERS to clearing the air. After originally gasping over the scope of the original Green New Deal proposed by Senator Ed Markey (D-MA) and Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY), the House Select Committee on the Climate Crisis has digested it, embraced it, and put it in a form suitable for President Biden's desk next year:
The 538-page plan is a message in a bottle to Democratic voters: Hang tight, the left has a climate plan.
The policy targets laid out in the report are a testament to how much the left has moved the Overton window on climate in recent years. The report recommends eliminating emissions from the electricity sector by 2040 and achieving net-zero emissions across the board a decade after that. It suggests that all new vehicles sold in the United States should be electric by the year 2035. It recommends putting a price on carbon and then funneling that money to low-and mid-income households, an emissions reduction tactic that also has some traction on the right.
The report has garnered praise from climate advocates across the political spectrum.
All that's needed to make it a reality is achieving a modest preliminary benchmark: zeroing out Trump and McConnell emissions by 2021.
CHEERS to leveling the playing field. 56 years ago this week, in 1964, President Johnson signed into law a sweeping civil rights bill originally introduced by JFK that secured "equal rights in voting, education, public accommodations, union membership and in federally assisted programs—regardless of race, color, religion or national origin." And that sure pissed off the asshole wing of the American public:
During the debate on the bill, segregationist politicians from America's deep south expressed their disappointment and anger.
Congressman Howard Smith of Virginia called it a "monstrous oppression of the people."
How sweet to know that today's racist apples don’t fall far from the crazy tree. Even with the murders by police, racial profiling, economic injustice, and voter suppression, a huge swath of today's conservatives seem to believe that overt discrimination against minorities is a thing of the past, and America is now guilty of discrimination against the poor, defenseless white people. Frankly, I believe that, too. But only when I'm smokin' something really wacky.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to today's edition of Well, Liberals Always Were The Smart Ones. Pew poll via mediaite:
The survey, released on Monday, showed Republicans becoming most skeptical of the virus, with 63 percent saying in early June the “outbreak has been exaggerated” compared to 47 percent who said the same in April.
The number of Democrats who said it was exaggerated increased from 14 percent in April to 18 percent in June.
This has been today's edition of Well, Liberals Always Were The Smart Ones.
CHEERS to open rebellion. On July 2, 1776, the Continental Congress passed a resolution saying that "these United Colonies are, and of right ought to be, free and independent States." Luckily, Edward Rutledge recorded the whole thing on his smartphone:
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And that, kids, is why we now have those awesome July mattress sales.
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Ten years ago in C&J: July 2, 2010
YIKES to little distractions. Big government couldn't lay Goldman Sachs low, but the Borg of banking wasn't so successful fending off something a wee bit smaller and unexpected: bed bugs....
Employees who work in Goldman's Jersey City, N.J., office tower have been moved from certain floors and ordered out of the building at times because exterminators have been in checking and spraying for bed bugs, said two separate sources at the firm. Neither source was comfortable being quoted by name, citing company policy.
By the way, you know the difference between a bed bug and a Goldman Sachs executive? One is a parasite that feeds on humans. The other is a parasite that feeds on humans while wearing designer cufflinks.
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And just one more…
JEERS to short fuses and slow reflexes. Fireworks are now a fact of life here in Maine (thank you, 2011 Republican-led legislature, you twits). In fairness, though, municipalities are still free to ban fireworks, and Portland is among them (our city has burned down enough times, thanks). But like everywhere else this year, sales of personal explosives are, um, rocketing this year—up an average of 200% nationwide, thanks to the cancellation of municipal displays, we presume. Some of our neighbors are already firing shit off their balcony, and Grampa Billy has the cops on speed-dial. Harumph. And now please join us for our annual pre-4th C&J tradition: reminding ourselves that fireworks are most dangerous when they're in the hands of crazy-ass mannequins...
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And then give a flag-wavin' cheer to America’s official July 4th motto for 2020: “Sorry, the Emergency Room Is Full of Covid Patients, But Please Enjoy This Complimentary Jar Of Aloe For Your Smoldering Stump. Let Freedom Ring!"
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of splash time in the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool on days when the Health Department says it’s okay.
—Declaration of Independence
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